PaulPrins.net

Sorry I know this one isn’t a poem of mine, but it’s a post none the less.

Tonight was some time in the making I gather. Stacey came over after spending the evening with her mom and we had some time to talk. I finally told her a bunch of things I had been waiting to say to her, I wish I could put this better into words than I am. The only problem with me telling her tonight was that it was the last night. I knew it was coming, I could feel her slowly pulling herself away to make it easier and I just kept on keeping on holding onto the fading hope that I had. I guess there still is some, but I am past the point of pulling on it, if it is meant to be it will return on it’s own and we both will know it.

I’ve been thinking about why I told her everything that I did, I guess it is so that I can move on without guilt and less regrets, if we do end up getting closer again because I finally told her some things that’s cool and I’ll have to see how I feel about it at that time. I wish I could describe how I feel better; it’s partly shock (even though I knew it was going to happen), disbelief, confusion, sadness, expectation (not sure how it fits in but I can feel it, maybe for what’s to happen next), relief (she’s finally told me how she feels about certain things), happy (I know it doesn’t fit but for the second time tonight I felt her care for me as she wiped a tear from my face, kind of ironic isn’t it), and I’m trying to process everything.

I am disappointed that I won’t have someone to do certain things with, someone to go on day trips with, someone to see movies with, someone to surprise (although I didn’t as much as I wanted to), and someone to care about like I did with her. At this point I can sense that I’m ranting on and on. I only have one last thing to say and I hope you got this tonight, I had made a connection and maybe I shed some light on the extent of it before we parted ways. I look forward to hearing from you sweetie.

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul

Simple silhouettes fade from the start,
into the calm setting midnight dark,
moon light races, reaching all it can,
my mind wanders and finds you again,
your gentle nature is why I write,
words that can’t describe the sight,
ingrained in my eyes and thoughts of you,
cherishing the moments with one in view,
when sunlight rests upon your face,
everything else falls into place,
during those moments with nothing else in focus,
your presence is the only thing I notice

(article on BBC)
What is the world coming too. I sit down tonight and sift through the daily happenings in the news and what do I find. That it is now legal in Malaysia to divorce your wife from your cell phone by sending her a text message. I am sitting here still dumbfounded, I realize that I mostly write about personal things in my blog but this just got me riled up. There was a trial in Malaysia to find out if a marriage would be annulled because the divorce was sent via a SMS text message. The court ruled that “SMS is just another form of writing” and thus the annulment was legal.

I personally would like to meet the man who isn’t willing to confront his wife in person to divorce her. The culture in that region of the world is different than here and the roll of women is underplayed compared to the rest of the world (Islam vs. western culture) however just because the culture doesn’t place a high level of value upon you (shown by the ability to annul a marriage over a phone text message) doesn’t mean that you as a person should have such a lack of respect for women and even more importantly, your wife. [end rant]

As for the movie Tomb Raider, it was really bad, mindless but bad. If you have nothing better to do then you mine as well go see it.

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul prins

So here I sit again in front of my computer. It seems like I only ever write when something is going well or when something isn’t. I’m honestly not sure which one it is this time. Stacey is one of the coolest girls I’ve had the privilege to know over the past plethora of years that I’ve existed. It’s just hard right now to see where things are going. The more I look at myself the more I see me falling into old patterns that I thought I had broken. Only thinking of things I want to do with/for her but then not doing them. Unlike the previous times she totally deserves everything that has crossed my mind, but still for some reason I restrain myself from some things. Now it isn’t many things, and I’m actually pretty pleased with how things have gone so far. It’s just a few things that I wish I would stop putting off, things that I know she deserves. It’s to the point where I’m starting to think that if I can’t do them for her that she would deserves someone who would. Because I forgot one of my favorite quotes as of recently and was reminded of it tonight.

“…in a complete lifetime. One swallow does not make a summer; neither does on day. Similarly neither can one day, or a brief space of time, make a man blessed and happy” – Aristotle in Ethics

I need to stop waiting for one moment to show her how I feel and let her know how I feel and let every moment be a testament to that. I really am not sure why I’m going to post this, it’s mostly just me thinking through things in my mind but writing them out as I go. Maybe it’s so I can hold myself accountable for these thoughts I’m having tonight. Whatever it is I am going to really try to make those few things I’ve thought of happen. If I don’t then I may never get the chance.

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul prins

So for the last two hours of my night I sat in his house. The house of a man who is nearing the end, and is only expected to live two maybe three days. I was there on business, putting together a montage of photographs from his life that will be shown at his ‘service’ (as his family put it, funny because it’s the least grim word I could think of at the time as well). So there I was, it didn’t take much more then thirty to forty minutes to get the pictures, music, and general layout for the project figured out and confirmed. I sat around for a while listening to his kin speak of him and then went into the other room where he was sitting. For the half hour before that I had avoided the invitations into that room, fearing that it would be a trap for me. Not sure why I felt that but I did. Maybe fearing that it would re-ignite some old frailties and show me my own immortality.

As I came around the corner I saw him, all his hair had but fallen out and he was laying there in a mess of sheets with a blue piece of paper in his hands. There were people all sitting around him, and two also with paper in their hands, taking instructions from him as to how the folds work on this piece of origami. So I once again sat, on the couch seat closest to the door I entered in, wishing that I could only be but a ghost (kind of ironic considering the stage of life he was in). I sat there and observed the people around me and I felt as if I faded into the wall. Here was a man, in his frailty, using the little strength he has left to make the folds of this paper for a friend who I came with. Spending over and hour and a half on these fold lines and creases for something that he is going to give away. When he only has a few days left he selflessly gave time.

I know that I would say that I’m not scared of death, and I still would agree with that. I am not scared of when I am no longer breathing and of this world, Gods grace will carry me on. However I am growing more frightened of my last moments. How weird is it that while he was laying in the other room in his hospital bed, we were in the kitchen going over photographs and music as if he weren’t even around.

Another thought I had revolved around something I still have problems with (althought I would downplay it if you confronted me with it). That’s running from issues that, could potentially, cause me pain or suffering. It is something I do in conversations and my interpersonal relations with my family and friends. But looking at him tonight made me realize that if he put something off, even if for a brief span of time, it could go without ever being said. There are so many things in life that need to be said, some over and over again. To not give yourself the opportunity to tell people the little things in life would be a tragedy. In the short span of time tonight since I left his house I’ve already thought of several things I want to say and will in the next day.

Now that I’ve rambled on for a while, and I do know it is all over the map, I will end it. No big philosophical ideals here, just some stuff to think about. Will probably post again tomorrow, so until then.

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul

Well I haven’t written again in a while so sorry for the long windedness of this post. Last weekend was the Sonshine Festival. It was a blast. I got to spend a lot of time with some of my good friends from church. I also got to listen to some really good Christian music, for the past few years music has really played a big part of my life and to finally get to sit and experience some artists who weren’t worship based was really good for me. I also got my new tee shirt which is just sweet, all the better because I really like John Reuben (it’s a green shirt that says “Hugs not Drugs” and then has Reuben’s name under that). I really liked a few bands there, John Reuben, Souljahz, Pigeon John, 24:Idaho, Scantus Real, and Toby Mac. Hadn’t heard of any of them before that weekend and left really looking forward to their music and other music like it. The best part of the weekend had to be the late nights all sitting around talking. I learned so much from this kid I met from Iowa, his name was nick and he had been through some serious shit in the last 18 months. Stuff that for me to even fathom was/is heart wrenching. He really helped to humble me and was just a blast to hang out with, even after all he had gone though. Although part of me, for some reason or another, decided not to get a phone number or email from him when we were done talking that last night. I guess it was my way of, I duno, I wish I had. This means I have to go back next summer to see him here.

Then Monday I went to Scotts for a little shindig and to be honest I am quite sick with some of that group of people. I love some of them to death and would go to the ends of the earth to help them but others… I just don’t understand them and never will. They refuse to grow up and face there lives. They hide from what presents it’s self. I remember kary telling this story about the other dance girls drinking at college. First off who cares, second is that she is going to Madison!!, and third, you can go along and not drink and have a good time instead of isolating yourself from them. I’m just sick of the attitude that some of them possess of superiority, as if they are somehow better then someone else because they choose to hide from things. I am constantly reminded of why I don’t do much with them anymore. Enough about that though because that just gets me upset, I did end the night on a good note at famous daves listening to some reggae and eating some wings with some closer friends of mine.

I proceeded to get my wisdom teeth taken out, it went really well and it’s now been about 40 hours and I am doing great, very little swelling, next to no pain, and I’m already eating pretty decent food. Needless to say I’m excited about that.

Paul is really looking forward to this weekend, will be a month that Stacey and me have been going out. I’m pretty excited because I’ve changed a lot since the last girl I dated. I’ve spent a large part of the past 9 months thinking over and examining my life, then to find someone like Stacey to spend the last month with and to keep spending the upcoming days with is truly a blessing. I never thought that I would have met someone like her, so sweet, smart, caring, and cute. To think that I almost missed her, and that by some chance she showed up to my graduation party, and eleven days later we were dating. These last weeks I never would have expect and would never trade for the world. I wish I could keep writing about her but I’ll end up getting all sappy, so I’ll save that for her and spare the rest of you.

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul prins

Sorry for not posting lately, life has been quite busy. But I did post, so here is at least one new one for ya kessia.
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Lately life has been a bit weird for me, almost polar in some instances. I feel as though I am truly starting to move on with my life, I’m not sure what it is about my circumstances lately that have me feeling this way, compared to a few months ago, rather it’s like in my mind I am finally sorting things out. Deciding what I want to have with me in two months and what I am willing to leave behind me. The days are starting to wane away right in front of me and I almost feel pinched to figure things out. Now I understand that everything will work out but I get this apprehension about things that I know are impending in my life, at the current moment it is college.

Understanding what it’s going to be like isn’t what is bugging me, I know that I will embrace the change in environment and thrive there. It is more of my past and how much I am going to hang on to next year. Forgetting where I have been isn’t an option for me but staying truly in touch with the people and things I am involved in is where the trouble lies. For in under two months I will be pushing new roots into the ground and striving to extend those branches as far upward as I can, how much of the ‘old’ tree should I be hanging on to. There are parts that I wouldn’t let go for the world, people that I’ve been truly blessed in meeting and have ongoing experiences that are truly once in a lifetime. This should be a simple choice but it is causing me such concern.

On the contrary to the imminent college and decisions I listed above there is something that a month ago I wouldn’t have thought possible. Stacey is truly amazing, we’ve been dating for a couple weeks now and they have been some of the most rewarding weeks of recent memory. She is more then I could put into words or that I could describe to you. When we’re together I just have this sense of comfort and everything, for at least those moments, makes sense (for me anyway, I hope they do for her as well).

I went to the beach today and caught her at work. This was the first time I got to see her at work, she looked so great and it was fun sitting down and chatting for a few minutes while she was on break. Although I could have gone without the audience when I was trying to film my interview, was so hard to look into the camera while she was sitting there. Ned was also there which was quite the surprise since he was going to be up north for the weekend, apparently a bunch of flies had them come back early.

In other news, I played paintball last Sunday (wow I haven’t posted for a week, that’s bad) and it was a blast. I totally showed Katie Moss what was up getting her in the trigger finger and the side of the mask. Yes she was the only person I got after playing about 6 games. It was still a blast and would recommend it to anyone to try at least once. I will try to post more but I leave for Sonshine on Wednesday and don’t return home until Sunday morning. Will try to post something if I have a chance out there but I doubt it.

Take care and God Bless,
~paul prins