PaulPrins.net

So tonight was the first night that things really started to fall into place. I probably won’t see Alex or Lindsey until Christmas break (or next summer if I have that job over winter break), and this was also the last time I would see the Iowa and ND kids. I really don’t know what to say, I know it wasn’t that hard on me because the people in that group that I continue to be close with and truly treasure will still be here for a while longer (and I have plans with). What hit me hardest was Kessia, yea I know we are gonna spend a night together next week and that she’ll be here until I leave. It’s hard to lighten my grip on her, I guess because I’ve seen her grow up these last years and helped her long the way when I could.

Thinking about the reason it’s so hard on me is because I know she has grown so much, but I’m not totally sure if she realizes that yet. I remember back when we first starting talking and she had no idea what was going on in her life. It was all a blur and seemed to be leaving her behind, clutching and hanging on to what happened to her. Now she is looking for what is ahead and starting to see what it is she wants to do and become. I’m so proud of her that words really can’t describe it. Tonight she was having a hard time with finally realizing that some people were leaving and I walked her out to make sure she was doing ok and gave her a big hug and told her everything would be ok, that I wasn’t leaving her even if I was at college (truth is I could never leave her, not sure why, just something about her). I closed the door on her car as I told her not to worry, that I would take care of her like I always had and she smiled and drove away.

As I walked back to his house I caught tears in my eyes that I had been fighting off so she wouldn’t see me cry. It took me a minute to realize why they were there, not like I’m never going to see her again and that we aren’t going to talk every week. Then I realized why, she had done it, if she realized it or not. When she first confided in me I doubt she had ever though about today, about what she would be doing her senior year of high school and now she is living it and looking to the future. The future that she was so terrified of just a short time ago. I know tonight was rough on her because she felt like she was loosing some of her support group but she stood strong, if she realized it or not. Tonight when I saw her thinking about her friends moving to college her eyes told a different story then those I had seen in the past, she was figuring out what she needed to do in the future, not just what she needed to do to hang on. The hardest part now for me is to start letting go of that part of our relationship, the part where I lead her around and helped keep her safe, because she’s ready for what life can throw at her.

Thank you for all you’ve done for me kessia. It’s more then you’d ever know

Take care and God bless,
~paul

I just got back from spending the day with Carissa Goertz and had a great time. Aside from the fact that I was pretty tired from saying up to late again last night ‘talking’ to someone online. We went over to the Arboretum and walked around for about two hours looking at everything there and just talking about whatever came to mind. Which wasn’t a lot but was fun. After that we didn’t know what we wanted to do, I’m so bad at telling when girls are hungry, I wasn’t sure if she was or not and she told me she wasn’t with more confidence than I usually get from someone so I decided to just go up to the walker and show her some modern art. Turns out she never had seen any in person before so I felt good about that choice then.

After I dropped her off I got thinking back to prom, I wanted so bad to go with her but every time I hinted at it or asked who she was going with she would say, “I think matt but I duno. We haven’t talked about it.” I remember the heart sinking feeling at lunch the last day tickets were for sale and she was looking for a date, but I had already asked Britney to go (who had to be one of the most fun dates a guy could have to prom). I guess I should have hung onto the hope of being able to go with her. She’s kind of been a steady crush of mine since 10th grade, wow that seems like a long time now. I really hope she never reads back on this because it could make things awkward between us and I don’t want that.

In other news (referring to the talk fore stated), I’ve had two lengthy talks with her now and it turns out that the girl I fell for was only part of who she was. She was trying to be what I wanted her to be not who she was. So in really short I am now over her because the girl I knew wasn’t even who Stacey is. I could go into more detail but you honestly don’t need to know. I have a poem I wrote that I’ll post later as well (little different then what I normally write).

Take care and God bless,
~paul

I guess I should take a moment to fill people in on whats been happening in my life lately as compared to me just posting my rants and raves.

Last week I started doing my sponsor calls and asking for money, I hate doing that. I feel like I’m begging them, even though I know that I’m not. It has been going very well though. Which is a good thing. The event is falling together very well thanks to a little help from up above.

Also when I was talking to orage I got hinted to that I might have a job to do over winter break for them which is insanely cool. He implied that it would have to do with running events. I’ll let you know how that turns out.

Today I was suposto have a meeting with Beverly from Red Bull but she had to catch an earlier flight out this morning because something came up, so that meeting has been scratched and I’m just going to meet with phil next week for lunch.

I am practically done with my College shopping at this point, might get a VCR and need one more set of sheets but I am good to go. Very excited about that, I will be sure to put some pictures up here when Ned and me get our room set up.

I also got a call today from someone who totally has me thrown for a loop. But I digress.

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul

So I was just thinking back through my previous relationship and I got to wondering if I could have been played. If I had been taken advantage of with my generosity. I so often read people correctly; my first impression of you is normally very accurate as to your personality and potential. The more that I reflect the more I feel like I have been cheated. The more I look into what is happening now and contrast against the past I see that it never would have worked. My conclusions always seem to come back to one main idea, the idea that I felt and could sense two months ago but that I sheepishly thought I could help with.

The more I look back I see things that I was blind to at the time. I see signals that I should have heeded instead of rationalized. I see conections that I made that shouldn’t have crossed my mind, I see myself falling away from God because of her.

Now I see it slightly differently, I see a girl who is scared of what is ahead of her. I see someone who is willing to start something but not stick through it. I see myself having pity on her for some reason I can’t explain. I see her in my mind everyday that passes. Mostly I see a girl who is unsure of herself, who lacks the vision to look into the mirror and see what really is there. Someone who doesn’t realize everything she posses and is scared to confront issues she can avoid. So I guess I shouldn’t complain that it didn’t work out because in that sense we are opposites, I confront every issue that comes to be head on with as much as it takes to make it through successfully. She has the next four years of her life to figure it out, and I have the next four years to find someone who has.

WOW, so today just kicked ass and was uber krad. Not only did ned come over and work for a while and get a ton of amazing design work done. I really don’t know how his brain works sometimes but I love the work that he does. He’s really going to end up going places in life. Later on chris jones came over to edit and we went and re-filmed an interview I screwed up doing and now it looks amazing, thanks a ton chris. The DVD will be done by this weekend, I can sense it.

In other news of the day I got a call from Red Bull regarding the advanced copy of the proposal that I sent them. Needless to say they continue to show me all the love that they possibly can. Coming in very big for the event next season in their sponsorship for the rail jam. On top of that I get to meet his boss on Wednesday morning/noon to sit down and just hang out for a while, go over the event and make my presentation to her and might even get some more money out of the deal. Either way it will be great practice for me in presenting this, since I really haven’t thus far to anyone. If I screw up with her it also won’t effect the amount that they have set aside for me, just my chances at more.

Well I’m still on cloud nine from that, my dream competition could be coming true very soon (as in THIS FEBRUARY!!) so please continue to pray for it and for me. It’s only by God’s sheer grace that I’ve been able to get this far and do this much. One can only wonder what he has in mind for me come the future.

Take Care and God Bless every one of you,
~paul

I really don’t know what to think right now, I realize that this is another post about Stacey but I can’t help it. She is all that I think about lately, who wouldn’t. It just seems to me like she wasn’t totally honest with me about her reasoning. I guess I could understand it had it been a few days before she left, but I think she just wants to go to college without any attachments and no matter how she felt/feels about me she was going to do that. That would be fine with me if she had told me that, if I wouldn’t be so far thrown to the side.

Then I could be all wrong again, it just seems to me like she is timid when I get to talking about certain things. I’m really tired so maybe that’s it too. I just wish she felt the way I do, alas some things in life aren’t meant to be. My friend Brian is going through something similar so were going to hang out next week for a while. That’s all I got.

So I haven’t really filled anyone in on what happened to Oscar Perez Calix, my sponsor child down in Honduras. It turns out that his mother had lied about some information to get him into the program, what I am not sure. When confronted she apparently got upset and withdrew Oscar from the program. I was heartbroken by that because I was really starting to get to know him better. Although it is better that it happened sooner then later, when I became truly attached to him.

Present Day, I got a packet in the mail from Compassion International with another kid. Needless to say that made my week, which to that point has been rather dismal. He’s such a rad guy. His name is Marlon David Castillo Perez and lives in Honduras as well. He’s seven right now and his either birthday is next month. He lives at home with his sister, who runs the household. I’m not sure where his parents are in the picture, removed or past on. He likes swimming, art, and playing ball games. I really don’t know much more then that. I’m writing him today and hopefully I’ll hear back before school, but probably wont since that is coming up pretty quickly and I can’t imagine mail moves to fast down there.

Plus Marlon has longer hair like me. I would strongly suggest to anyone who reads this to sign up to sponsor a kid, it’s only $28 a month and he or she’ll get so much.

Take care and may God bless you,
~paul