Paul Prins

Quick catch up; Thanksgiving went very well even though my uncle didn’t show up, it was nice to see old friends again and to see movies, which I almost never get to do at school (saw three here… oh well, they were all pretty good).

On to the post:

I’ve spent some time thinking about why I’m so infatuated with opera as of late and I’ve come to some sort of a conclusion. Opera music signifies everything that I haven’t been able to obtain. When two, of the most beautiful voices I’ve ever heard, sing a duet in that harmony and the words themselves flow so eloquently from verse to phrase. I can hear her beauty resonate through the words she is singing, how she knows with all her heart that she has that special something I might spend my entire life looking for. Yet all the while she pulls from the depths of her very soul and lets him see it, her partner in this dance of words. I can almost picture the harmonies dancing together upwards until they fade into the distance.

Then there is his voice, providing this base for her to build from. That without his voice, hers would be lost, as if in his own subtle way he is guiding her to being all that she can be. Through the harmony, for which he seems to ask for no credit, she shines. It doesn’t matter to me what the translation is, because I can feel the meaning. Furthermore, the words speak what my heart can’t put into words, words I wish I could tell her, when I see her. That if I opened my mouth it would only come out in a stream and contortion of words that would loose all definition and understanding.

Digressing and still stating a point… No matter how hard I try I can’t learn any language aside from English, at best I can patch together a partially coherent phrase in French. Let alone make it sound half as breath taking as they can. I try to string together words into poetry but know that it never turns out how I want. That it never turns out how I wish it too.

Fino ad allora, vivo per lei

Ed il dio di ciao benedicono,
~paul

So I’m home now, I guess it is the same as every other times I’ve sat in this chair but something feels different this time. A bunch of us are meeting up on Friday night and to be honest I have mixed feelings about going. There are a few people I want to see really bad just to catch up with and go out and do something with (alas I know we will just sit at sar’s all night, and that’s fine). Mostly I am unsure of where they have taken their lives in the last three months. It’s been a very vital span of time and I’m not so sure that they are all taking the strides that I would long for them. Basically I’m worried that some of them aren’t moving on with their lives.

It’s been weird to be home and be the only guy from college online (could be that it’s still morning on Wednesday of turkey break, meh). I’m used to coming home and seeing ten or so people I can talk to online. For the first time I realized that I really miss them. I miss being able to walk around the hall or being able to go sit in the lounge and just be with them, all of them. I hope that I’m able to keep really busy over winter break or that could be a long month, though I might get out to vail if I get the go ahead on that job in the next few weeks, maybe able to get in some intro stuff so I could start up quickly in the summer (or maybe over winter break to make some money for semester two).

On another, totally irrelevant topic, I’m looking to get a digi-still cam. I used to want to save up to get a nice d-SLR but that is quite out of my budget atm and I also realized that I want something smaller that I can just grab and take with me when we go and do random stuff. Then at some point when I get a d-SLR that I can use for more professional and studio work. I would love to have one to just play around with and experiment with, I’d be much more open to ideas like that if I slide film didn’t cost so much to develop. Thinking something little that uses the same media that the d-SLR will use so that I don’t feel as guilty spending money on the memory, knowing I can use it later as well.

Been looking through my old poetry, found something short so I’ll put it here. From about seven months ago.

“If today was life,
I’d close
my eyes,
and try to
not act surprised,
when it comes
to an end.”
~4/23/03

though I still haven’t found the poem I’m looking for, alas it is written somewhere.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

Sitting here distressed,
longing to regress,
muses a mess.

Thoughts appear irrelevant
in shambled pieces,
every-one incoherent.

Pulsing hearts slow,
when eyes close
to the world.

Appearing empty
for a soul,
searching endlessly.

Mouth shut tight,
words then fight
to be written.

~paul

Had a list in a journal of mine, figured I would type them up here. The list is something that I’ve been working on for some time.

-Go Skydiving
-Visit all fifty states
-Visit Mt. Everest and get my picture taken with her
-Sip wine in Italy
-Read all of Aristotle’s Books
-Read the bible from Genesis to Maps
-See the Northern Lights (CHECK, Saw them at Sonshine this past summer in Wilmar)
-Go whitewater Kayaking
-Make a music video
-Published article in National Magazine
-Photograph the National Capital
-Winter Camping
-Visit Italy, Greece, Switzerland, Germany, Holland
-Visit Café de Prins in Amsterdam
-Visit every corner of Minnesota (and any other state of residence)
-Concert in Carnegie Hall
-Get in the News Paper
-Visit Zions National Park
-Graduate College
-Visit Golden Gate Bridge
-Visit Space Needle in Seattle
-Give a motivational speech
-See ‘Westside Story’ movie
-See all of Kubrick’s films
-See all of Hitchcock’s’ films
-See show on Broadway (CHECK, seen Aida, Mama-Mia, Lion King, 42nd Street)
-See the musical RENT
-Get married

Yea, I got a little work left to do but they are all pretty fun sounding, to me at least. If you don’t have a list I would recommend writing one up. Makes it easier to figure out what you want to do, and you can always add things later. (this is entry 80 btw, getting closer to the 100 mark)

Take care and God bless,
~paul

Recently this subject has repeatedly surfaced and I figured I would just write out my thoughts the best I could on it. I hope that you all can follow my ramblings and me for the next while.

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Sunday November 16th, 2003 at 2:06 AM

Today was amazing, to think that I had been regretting my agreement to GLX (a new ski shop near buck hill) to be the emcee for their store opening event this weekend. I had waiting quite the long time before even seeing if I could get a ride to the city from school. I asked ned on Thursday if he was going back or not and he said he was, so I was going to the rail jam at GLX and to the premier party the later on that night.

Woke up and then lori came over, I hadn’t seen her since I went to La Crosse in May after school one day. We hung out for an hour or so and then took off for the rail jam at GLX. It was a miserable day as far as the weather was concerned, over cast, misting, and wind with some bite to it. However it was the first time that all of the guys/gals have gotten together since last winter. When we got around to the skier exhibition and I took the mic. This is the first time I’ve emceed since my priorities have changed around. I was pretty concerned that it would show through and people would heed my mixed feelings about this upcoming season. After a few minutes I got back into my old mind set and was loving every minute of it. I didn’t think that I did a very good job but everyone enjoyed it, it was sweet. It’s still weird for me to have people build me up, I just hate the idea of being put on a pedestal of any kind. Even if I might deserve it.

I met up with a bunch of people, met OC from Highline Sports Group and talked to him for quite some time. I guess I left some impression on him. Lori and me went back to my house for an hour or so to grab a bite to eat and waited for chris jones to show up. Grubed down and then voyaged downtown and went to the Quest for the poorboyz productions movie tour. We did the marketing for the tour here in the Midwest and apparently that was the only marketing for the region. Was talking to Jordan Bradford before the event (he now works for pbp) and he told me that it was me who inspired him to follow his heart. I can not put into words how thrilled for him I was and how fulfilled I felt, that one of the largest commitments of my life has moved someone so profoundly to follow his heart! Jordan you are now on my list of favorite people, even if your gangly.

After the show I got some swag from Jordan and then was talking to OC and hinted I was interested in seeing what highline did closer and he jumped on me. Telling me that someone with my experience would be invaluable to them and that he would call me and see if I could get in on some projects, only if I was willing to live in vail… That to me is a very hard choice to make. I was honestly floored and being my stupid self brought up my pre-conceived thoughts about an internship… after he just offered me an actual job. Although I still am feeling like I want to go to Brazil next summer. So if anyone out there cares to pray for me about this that would be killer.

When lori was grabbing her stuff from my room and getting ready to take off it really hit both of us. We knew it wouldn’t have worked out, but we never really tried. I wished I could have come up with something eloquent to say to her that would have made her understand exactly how I felt and feel for her. Although I don’t know if any words truly needed to be spoken. I won’t see her again before she moves out to New Hampshire for her internship in December. I can tell she has very mixed feelings about going but she’ll do amazing things there if she only lets herself. I have no idea if you read this lori but don’t forget about me when you are Mrs. BigStuff. I might have to put an event on out there in the future. When I’ve needed support and someone to fall back on you’ve always been there for me and not only been there but been amazing. I will never forget you lori and I will always be there for you.

Over all it’s been a good day but I am already starting to realize I won’t see Hero (aka lori) for a very long time. You better call me.

I just wanted to share the joys and sorrow of my day. I hope everyone else had a great Saturday.

Take Care and God bless,
~paul

Everything has been seeming to turn around lately, I’m so thankful for that. Last week was really hard on me, as I know it was for a lot of people, but I’ve started to realize the simple fact that I am still here. I have people around me who love me, and I’m around people that I love. The sun still rises every morning and the sunset at dusk is still radiant.

I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes, it’s from Aristotle.

“One swallow does not make a summer; neither does one day. Similarly neither can one day, or a brief space of time, make a man blessed and happy.”

I’ve been so blessed in my life. Constantly meeting new and amazing people, just last week I met this amazing person and have cherished every chance we’ve had to talk. I didn’t even realize all that I had, I spent last week stuck in my past and for some reason was having a hard time letting myself get back to where I know I am at now. A place where I can live with joy that most people would have a hard time comprehending.

I am so blessed and truly humbled by all that I’ve been given. I can’t wait to see what is in store next for me.

I also haven’t forgotten those of you who have been there for me when I’ve been down and when I’ve needed someone to talk to. I know it doesn’t happen all the often but when it does I know I can count on you.

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul

I just needed to put something new in here. I’ve been doing a lot better today. Thanks to everyone for their prayers and support. I also just had two cups of butterscotch pudding! it was awesome, somehow it makes me all giddy which is really funny. I don’t really understand it but that’s alright.

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Today I went to his funeral, Nolan Myers, and it was really weird, almost surreal for me. I didn’t know him that well, really at all. We had bumped into each other in the halls once or twice and I had heard his name occasionally. I went to show support for classmates and the family and more importantly some of my good friends who knew him.

To be even more honest this is a subject I have taken great strides to avoid before this week. Ever since my bouts with depression I never was quite sure what to make of death, I learned to downplay it so that it didn’t seem like such a big deal, what I had been considering at the time. Now that I’ve come a long ways since then my views of it haven’t changed. Even after sitting through Pete’s funeral last summer and all the work I did with that did it not even start to hit me. Now that it has I can’t but help myself from crying. Everything happens for a reason, and for some reason today has been full of this reality of death, woke up to a funeral, just came upstairs after watching one on some tv show.

For a large part of the time I was there it seemed like “déjà vu” or that somehow I had been there before. For a while I couldn’t put my finger on it and then all of a sudden I realized where I had seen it before. I had imagined what that day would look like, the only difference was who was in the casket, when I had thought of it I was the one people came to see. It was one of the things I would do to pass time when I was depressed, I would play out how I wish my funeral would happen. Then think about how it would probably be put together. I remember dropping hints about it, that I want it to be happy and uplifting, even if that wasn’t how I had felt inside at the time.

They also said something today that hit me really hard, that he had always lived to try to match up to his dad somehow but he never had asked his dad and his dad had never told him. That’s something that I battle with all the time. I never know what my dad thinks of what I’m doing, if he approves of me going to art school, or wanting to go to brazil next summer on mission work. Not that the decisions are up to him but I just don’t know the answer.

I enjoy and spend most of my time in philosophical thought, it allows me to leave who I am personally and look at me more objectively. It has quelled some of my emotions (although there are things I won’t think about this way, Love being one of them) to the point were something so drastic as today has to unfold for me to realize how it is I feel. I don’t even know if this is coherent or not, not that it matters anyway. My thoughts were just running a muck in my mind and I needed/wanted to get them out there.

Take care and may God bless you,
~paul

I thank all of you who kept me in your prayers last night, again I feel truly blessed. I’m sorry if I came off sounding big headed, I was just having a hard time figuring out why He could want me to leave skiing after the position that he got me in. Turns out I’m being led down the same path I’ve been on all along. This is the season of faith, the industry will accept or reject it. I would appreciate your prayers in softening the hearts of those involved and who may be hearing the word.

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