Paul Prins

And welcome to crunch week. I really wish this could have taken place next year but with the event moved up two weeks because someone at red bull can’t check a hockey schedule properly, I am forced to be a bastard this week to my sponsors. The fortunate thing is that all budgets should be filed and approved by this point so it’s just a matter of me getting on them and getting the product/cash sent my way.

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Here is what has been going on in my mind for the last couple days. I don’t expect anyone to read this and/or understand it. This is just to help me write it out and maybe come to some sort of conclusion.

Have you ever felt as though you were at a point in your life where you truly stood at some sort of cross roads? I’ve been standing here for over a month trying to decide what to do, testing the waters in every direction I can sense, though it seems as if I am blind to my options. Which, even though this might come off as arrogant, hasn’t really ever happened to me before. I have strived to live my life where I knew the choices I had and could logic out the choices I needed to make and have made. There are very few things in my past you could ask me about that I couldn’t explain. Now I need to take things on faith, being able to separate what I want from what is my fate.

In the past few weeks there have been to many things to call it coincidence and it has me very worried. Worried because the direction I’m being lead to is not one which I have much experience, or good and positive experience. I will be the first one to admit that I’m scared, because in the past four years what have I failed at? Every major under taking which my heart was set upon has been blessed beyond compare and now I am feeling led to give it all up, but am I being misled. Could I be misled by my own selfish desires, or is it something greater then me all together?

It pains me to write this out, because of who might read this. Here it goes though… My event may not happen, it has a six-day timer set and running. That event is the only thing that I’ve been hanging onto with skiing, of which my passions are dying for. I spent last weekend in Utah and still felt next to nothing, because skiing has become work for me, and work that causes me stress. Coming from a guy who rarely has to deal with those feelings. Furthermore, what if I am meant to stop this event, should I disregard everything that I’m doing for the Midwest skiing scene? Now for the larger picture.

I’ve been taught invaluable skills over the past years by running CTP, but is this the time that I’m meant to stop and pull the plug? My vision in blurred and I can’t tell if it is His will or not. Either that or I can see what I am to do but am scared that it isn’t what I want, or that I won’t make it. Just what is there to be scared of, every time I have called upon God he has been there with more then I’ve needed from Him. I think back to several times where prayers have been answered. This just feels as though there is no one I can turn to who will understand me and what I’m going through.

Maybe it’s just that I make assumptions that people won’t understand my faith, last time I explained it to someone she told me she couldn’t help me. I didn’t need anyone’s help with my faith. I feel almost as though I’m under constant attack because I’ve reached the place I’m at. I’m just having a hard time knowing what to do with what I’ve been told. I know it feels so right but at the same time I feel like I was made for more… not to belittle it at all, but I feel almost as though it would be forfeiting something. Alas I’m selfish and in time will have to deal with it.

God bless,
~paul

I’m sitting here in the Marriott Park City and realizing that finally today something struck me. I know I realized it for some time but today the actuality of it became quite clear. There were actually two big things that happened this weekend. I’ll start with the lesser of the two, as it requires some explanation.

Sunday while I was skiing, at the end of the day, dad and I were heading down the mountain to the base. I was nearly there and the run was more or less flat. Screwing around to see what I could get my skis to do I was doing a nice little tail stall, nothing overly impressive and I decided that I would turn both skis to the right then hop and land facing forwards again. Probably sounds more complicated then it really is, just a hip turn and a jump. Well it was going alright and as I pressed down harder to get ready to do the jump I caught an edge or something and was thrown onto my left side (had spun the skis to the right) and I hopped back up and kept going. Turns out that I broke the break off my ski in that short instant.

This morning I went and screwed it back in and everything was go again. A couple runs into the day I was riding through a nice glade (nine inches of fresh stuff I couldn’t resist) and came around in this turn and my ski just clicked off. I was pretty upset as it was the second time that ski had just ‘come off’ for no reason and proceeded to start digging for it. I kept digging for it for another twenty minutes. I couldn’t really give up, as I need two skis to really ski very well. So I just stopped and prayed that I would find that ski and that my day would go better. Within thirty second of my finishing the prayer someone was there asking me if I was alright. I told him I was fine and that I couldn’t find one of my skis. He then asked if I broke it and said the break was right in front of him and I asked if he could see the ski down the hill. I was very relieved to find that he saw it and was nice enough to go down and stick it upright for me.

After that minor fiasco I grabbed lunch and then took a couple more runs, when I was just about ready to call it a day the lift broke down. I ended up spending several minutes talking to a couple guys and they asked if I wouldn’t mind tagging along with them for the day. I was a little hesitant but agreed (as I thought they were going to the base and I could just leave). The rest of the day has just been great since then on. They were a ton of fun to ski with and were very well rounded riders and really open as well. Hopefully we’ll keep in touch. What has taken this long is me to truly realize how big of a part of my life God plays everyday. I had kind of thought about it a bit more lately but this really helped to cement that reality into my mind even more.

Second thing, I was really looking forward to this weekend, being able to spend time with my dad. Just him and me. It was more or less me seeking approval for what I’ve decided to do with my life so far. I’m positive that he isn’t the most thrilled with me deciding to attend college for a BFA, and was just worried that he might let that bind our relationship. Well the weekend with him was fun, then this morning he met Soren down in SLC and then came back through the hotel to drop off the car and left me a note. Now my dad isn’t the most open or emotionally charged person out there, maybe he is just really good at hiding it because he thinks he needs to, I’m not sure. However, he signed the note Love Dad. Reading that made my day. Being that it’s only the second or third time I recall him ever telling me that (and the other time I remember I was in councilor Pauls office with both my parents while the two Pauls [him and I] explained to them what I was going through). To be told that, even through a note in his subtle way, means the world to me. I just couldn’t have asked for anything better. And in about 24 hours I will be home again. So I’m off until then.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

Semester one is complete and I’m just waiting until I head for home (in about four hours). Finals we’re as hard as everyone seemed to make them out to be, maybe after getting further into the program they will become harder for me. I did only have one test, two portfolio reviews, a semester project and a written portfolio submission to do. Somehow it seems like more when I write it all out like that though.

I’m looking forward to a short stint away from stout. The lack of homework will be greatly appreciated and will allow me time to do other things that I really want to do.

So my RA just walked in and now I have a single room for next semester. Part of me is disappointed that it didn’t work out with ned and me but there comes a time when you need to do what is best for yourself. This is what is best for me. I guess I might come off like a jerk to one of the people who I used to conceder my first true best friend, but he’s changed and I guess to an extent I have as well. We grew apart and he has a different concept of what he is looking for right now then I do.

Well I’m gonna hit the showers and then start packing my stuff up for the break. I’m still not sure exactly what to bring home or what to keep here. Should be a good time for sure… and coming back here to my own room (it still baffles me how he didn’t get the director of Res Life to understand his view point, I talked to him for about five to ten minutes, held my ground and he indirectly agreed to my terms. Jason had even already received a roommate which changed and ned is going there now. How ned wasn’t able to accomplish that I don’t know)

I don’t know if I will be able to make another entry before I leave for utah tomorrow or not. I’m really looking forward to spending time with my dad, It seems almost as if in the past few months he’s had some internal revelation and I’m very excited about it. I’m excited at the prospect of really getting to talk with him, then there is the skiing which is just going to be fun. We’ve been smack talking each other for weeks, I’m just gonna feel bad when he doesn’t get a chance to catch his breath. Although I won’t say anything when he blames it on the altitude.

take care and God bless your soul,
~paul

My friend called this a little ‘disney’ of me but alas sometimes I’m like that. Although I’m not totally sure why it happened yesterday, it did happen. It just hit me and I was faced with this epiphany that I had been ignoring up to that point. Maybe it’s a little of this hopeless romantic inside of me trying to come up with super elaborate schemes. Last night I finally realized what was right there, who was right there, and how much I enjoy being around her. I don’t know if it caught her off guard or not but it was nice, amazingly nice to spend a couple hours with her.

Last night I slept with a smile on my face, I could tell because this morning my cheeks were a little sore. Now there is just this long month span where I won’t get to see her, though she did just tell me she’d talk to me. That was sweet of her.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

Have you ever stopped and thought if it was truly enough? If the relationships you had with those around you were sustaining you as a person, or if you were putting enough work into a project or job, or if your idea of what you should be doing was accomplishing what you think it aught to. If you truly understand what it is you know, or if you can be enough without understanding that knowledge?

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Story background information:
A little over a month ago I was really into this gal named Terry. I would swing by and leave notes on her door and see if I couldn’t catch her for a moment just to chat and make sure she was doing alright. After about a week she started avoiding me pretty bad, then one of her really good friends proceeded to call me creepy and a stalker for all of that. Now story time.

Story:
Tonight at dinner we were just living it up and making fun of each other. Was a good time for sure with the guys (since the girls took up the entire long table we packed around a smaller round table). Our meal was winding down and only Lauren and Kelli were left at the other table. Earlier when Kelli was getting food someone, that she was less then interested in, asked Lauren what her name was. She should have told him to grow a pair and ask her himself but she just didn’t tell him. At this point of the meal I saw him stand up and start walking over to our side of the commons, I pick up my tray and walk over to talk to kelli as to deter him from coming over and bugging her. I let her know that he had gotten up and they mocked me to flirt with her.

I threw my leg up on the table as to make a scene and they broke out laughing shortly before I did. We talked for a minute then cleared our trays and left back to the dorms. We were talking about my table ‘experience’ and as we got to the outer doors Scott made an off-handed comment about my flirting abilities tonight, implying how creepy they were. On the other side of the door there was terry and her roommate. I couldn’t help but sequel out “Irony” and a few steps later Scott and me broke out in amazing laughter.

Other News:
there really isn’t to much going on, got my last fundamentals of design project done, have my drawing portfolio review tomorrow, and seem to be staying on top of pretty much everything I need to be

Also I want to that everyone who prayed for me over the past two days, and an extra thanks for those who prayed for jon and his family. They need our continued support.

Take Care and may God bless your soul,
~paul

I guess you should be slightly suspicious of a blog the very next day, since I have been slacking of late. Tonight has sucked, there really isn’t any better way I could word it (and several worse that I’ll omit).

I was just wrapping up eating dinner, which was turning out to be an amazing meal. Went with a couple friends and they were serving really good food for a change. To add to it she was there tonight, walked past her in the commons stopped over and talked for a minute, not more then a couple minutes after I got back to my table and took a swig of milk did my phone ring. Answered it and talked to Chris Jones, let him know I got the weekend in Duluth set up for him and he was taken back. Leaving me very confused as to what is going on, proceeded to ask what was and found out what happened last Saturday.

One of my biggest mentors, John Koskinen (worked for ESPN and NFL films), past away from a heart attack on Saturday. I had to have been in shock for at least a half an hour before the harsh reality hit me. He was such a vital part of forming me to who I am today. Before him I can’t think of anyone who truly had followed his heart and passion. He was a shining example that it does work, that you can look forward to your work, even if at times it got hard to be gone so much. When it seemed like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing with my camera he would show me, he had some way of just having it all make sense. He kept me motivated through the first film, telling me what I needed to be doing all along the way.

Indirectly Jon is a core reason why I’ve been able to accomplish so much. Every time I would get one step of the process done he was asking me when the next one would be ready to check out. Not to mention how he always seemed to show up on the most ideal days to film for us, and from watching his footage I learned a lot about composition and different ways to follow with the camera. Without a doubt, every time I touch a camera I will be reminded of him and what he did for me so generously.

He was an amazing man, please pray for his family and friends in this hard time.

Take Care and May God look over Jon’s soul,
~paul

The weekend past and I didn’t see her in the hours elevated from my sub-conscious state. I’ve been precocious over going to slumber, scared that she won’t be there to meet me. I can’t understand my heart and I barely know her name. Yet it seems different this time, sparing clichés and leaving it at that.

Finding myself, walking in the cold, inventing poetry with each step, flowing words previously unconnected, warming my soul against the brisk winter eve, no one hear, I speak louder, my soul longs to sing, time beckons forth a key, that will fit, within my heart.

——————

Finally I’ve overcome my guilt for loving it at school. Feelings that I had because of the way some people aren’t happy or moving on with their life. Resulting in a torn feeling that I shouldn’t be feeling any better then they are, after all I do care about them. Unsure about what brought this change about, possibly an unnoticed epiphany. Regardless, I’m finally able to truly love every moment and subtle joy in my days.

—————–

I just emailed my resume to Highline and will hopefully hear back in the next two days over the prospect of my winter/summer employment. If it turns out we can’t agree on terms or it just doesn’t work out I am going to start finding summer freelance work to do. I was very blessed last summer and hopefully can do more this upcoming (also would love to do some concept based cinema work).

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul

What has been going on in my life? This week has been quite the week, compared to weeks of late. Ned and me had been growing distant because we more or less stopped talking when we were in our room, and we’ve been talking more again and I feel like were becoming better friends again. It was really nice to be able to sit and talk on the ride back to school, just about life/love/trials and the $6.99 Quick Trip all you can eat buffet… very questionable.

I also going to be the co-leader for the mens bible study in HKMC next semester, very excited about that. I had quite the hunch last winter when we started up our study back home that it would eventually lead to me leading/co-leading one here. I’m really humbled that they asked me to help out like that.

Highline is also being a little weird, I’m getting mixed singles from them ATM and am going to send my resume into them tomorrow, most likely. I had prayed that if God had wanted me to do mission work next summer that he would close they opportunity in Vail, so we’ll see what ends up happening.

Onward to the post I want to write.
Tonight has been a little weird, I had been trying to find something to sit down and contemplate for a while and everything I could come up with was a two second idea, in and out. Then I was reading through my friends online journals and noticed that Katie was looking for someone to critique an essay she was going to turn in. I read it over and it really got me thinking, wondering what impact the people I’ve dated or become close with have had on me. Pondering if I had truly hurt some people without intention or, worse, even noticing.

It’s always nice to get notes from people who I have dated or been really close with and to find out that I actually left an impression on them and wasn’t the heartless wrench I thought myself out to be. It might have been that I read a lengthy essay of Katie’s tonight that I remembered something she had written about me,
“dear paul you were my first minnesotan and dance-pickup and writer of love letters and poetry i believed every word and although we knew each other for such a short time you had a big impact on my life your work inspires me or the fact that you can do so much and i wish life or you had treated you better so that it wouldn’t seem to sneak up and crack you in the face as it does to me too but don’t allow yourself to throw yourself away because you are worth more than that, believe me”

That coming from someone who I felt like I left on the side of the road and tore up inside, and I know I did Katie. There are other times this has happened, and it just has me wondering if I’m in relationships currently that are helping to form me into the person I envision myself being down the road. I guess that could have some light as to why I can’t seem to understand my attractions as of late, I can’t sort out in my mind where I’m going to be and don’t know who will help me get there. Basically I need to let go of that concern and let God show me where to go with my life and who should be part of it, I just tend to have a problem understand where I’m heading and this is the first time in a few years I’ve been like this.

Here is my plan, I’m gonna try to further myself and my knowledge as much as possible over the next couple years and then see what happens to my future.

Aside: the speaker at cru tonight was really good, and I strongly suggest that everyone find someone they can confide everything to. Will write more about that later I’m sure

Take Care and God bless,
~paul