PaulPrins.net

And welcome to crunch week. I really wish this could have taken place next year but with the event moved up two weeks because someone at red bull can’t check a hockey schedule properly, I am forced to be a bastard this week to my sponsors. The fortunate thing is that all budgets should be filed and approved by this point so it’s just a matter of me getting on them and getting the product/cash sent my way.

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Here is what has been going on in my mind for the last couple days. I don’t expect anyone to read this and/or understand it. This is just to help me write it out and maybe come to some sort of conclusion.

Have you ever felt as though you were at a point in your life where you truly stood at some sort of cross roads? I’ve been standing here for over a month trying to decide what to do, testing the waters in every direction I can sense, though it seems as if I am blind to my options. Which, even though this might come off as arrogant, hasn’t really ever happened to me before. I have strived to live my life where I knew the choices I had and could logic out the choices I needed to make and have made. There are very few things in my past you could ask me about that I couldn’t explain. Now I need to take things on faith, being able to separate what I want from what is my fate.

In the past few weeks there have been to many things to call it coincidence and it has me very worried. Worried because the direction I’m being lead to is not one which I have much experience, or good and positive experience. I will be the first one to admit that I’m scared, because in the past four years what have I failed at? Every major under taking which my heart was set upon has been blessed beyond compare and now I am feeling led to give it all up, but am I being misled. Could I be misled by my own selfish desires, or is it something greater then me all together?

It pains me to write this out, because of who might read this. Here it goes though… My event may not happen, it has a six-day timer set and running. That event is the only thing that I’ve been hanging onto with skiing, of which my passions are dying for. I spent last weekend in Utah and still felt next to nothing, because skiing has become work for me, and work that causes me stress. Coming from a guy who rarely has to deal with those feelings. Furthermore, what if I am meant to stop this event, should I disregard everything that I’m doing for the Midwest skiing scene? Now for the larger picture.

I’ve been taught invaluable skills over the past years by running CTP, but is this the time that I’m meant to stop and pull the plug? My vision in blurred and I can’t tell if it is His will or not. Either that or I can see what I am to do but am scared that it isn’t what I want, or that I won’t make it. Just what is there to be scared of, every time I have called upon God he has been there with more then I’ve needed from Him. I think back to several times where prayers have been answered. This just feels as though there is no one I can turn to who will understand me and what I’m going through.

Maybe it’s just that I make assumptions that people won’t understand my faith, last time I explained it to someone she told me she couldn’t help me. I didn’t need anyone’s help with my faith. I feel almost as though I’m under constant attack because I’ve reached the place I’m at. I’m just having a hard time knowing what to do with what I’ve been told. I know it feels so right but at the same time I feel like I was made for more… not to belittle it at all, but I feel almost as though it would be forfeiting something. Alas I’m selfish and in time will have to deal with it.

God bless,
~paul

I’m sitting here in the Marriott Park City and realizing that finally today something struck me. I know I realized it for some time but today the actuality of it became quite clear. There were actually two big things that happened this weekend. I’ll start with the lesser of the two, as it requires some explanation.

Sunday while I was skiing, at the end of the day, dad and I were heading down the mountain to the base. I was nearly there and the run was more or less flat. Screwing around to see what I could get my skis to do I was doing a nice little tail stall, nothing overly impressive and I decided that I would turn both skis to the right then hop and land facing forwards again. Probably sounds more complicated then it really is, just a hip turn and a jump. Well it was going alright and as I pressed down harder to get ready to do the jump I caught an edge or something and was thrown onto my left side (had spun the skis to the right) and I hopped back up and kept going. Turns out that I broke the break off my ski in that short instant.

This morning I went and screwed it back in and everything was go again. A couple runs into the day I was riding through a nice glade (nine inches of fresh stuff I couldn’t resist) and came around in this turn and my ski just clicked off. I was pretty upset as it was the second time that ski had just ‘come off’ for no reason and proceeded to start digging for it. I kept digging for it for another twenty minutes. I couldn’t really give up, as I need two skis to really ski very well. So I just stopped and prayed that I would find that ski and that my day would go better. Within thirty second of my finishing the prayer someone was there asking me if I was alright. I told him I was fine and that I couldn’t find one of my skis. He then asked if I broke it and said the break was right in front of him and I asked if he could see the ski down the hill. I was very relieved to find that he saw it and was nice enough to go down and stick it upright for me.

After that minor fiasco I grabbed lunch and then took a couple more runs, when I was just about ready to call it a day the lift broke down. I ended up spending several minutes talking to a couple guys and they asked if I wouldn’t mind tagging along with them for the day. I was a little hesitant but agreed (as I thought they were going to the base and I could just leave). The rest of the day has just been great since then on. They were a ton of fun to ski with and were very well rounded riders and really open as well. Hopefully we’ll keep in touch. What has taken this long is me to truly realize how big of a part of my life God plays everyday. I had kind of thought about it a bit more lately but this really helped to cement that reality into my mind even more.

Second thing, I was really looking forward to this weekend, being able to spend time with my dad. Just him and me. It was more or less me seeking approval for what I’ve decided to do with my life so far. I’m positive that he isn’t the most thrilled with me deciding to attend college for a BFA, and was just worried that he might let that bind our relationship. Well the weekend with him was fun, then this morning he met Soren down in SLC and then came back through the hotel to drop off the car and left me a note. Now my dad isn’t the most open or emotionally charged person out there, maybe he is just really good at hiding it because he thinks he needs to, I’m not sure. However, he signed the note Love Dad. Reading that made my day. Being that it’s only the second or third time I recall him ever telling me that (and the other time I remember I was in councilor Pauls office with both my parents while the two Pauls [him and I] explained to them what I was going through). To be told that, even through a note in his subtle way, means the world to me. I just couldn’t have asked for anything better. And in about 24 hours I will be home again. So I’m off until then.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

Semester one is complete and I’m just waiting until I head for home (in about four hours). Finals we’re as hard as everyone seemed to make them out to be, maybe after getting further into the program they will become harder for me. I did only have one test, two portfolio reviews, a semester project and a written portfolio submission to do. Somehow it seems like more when I write it all out like that though.

I’m looking forward to a short stint away from stout. The lack of homework will be greatly appreciated and will allow me time to do other things that I really want to do.

So my RA just walked in and now I have a single room for next semester. Part of me is disappointed that it didn’t work out with ned and me but there comes a time when you need to do what is best for yourself. This is what is best for me. I guess I might come off like a jerk to one of the people who I used to conceder my first true best friend, but he’s changed and I guess to an extent I have as well. We grew apart and he has a different concept of what he is looking for right now then I do.

Well I’m gonna hit the showers and then start packing my stuff up for the break. I’m still not sure exactly what to bring home or what to keep here. Should be a good time for sure… and coming back here to my own room (it still baffles me how he didn’t get the director of Res Life to understand his view point, I talked to him for about five to ten minutes, held my ground and he indirectly agreed to my terms. Jason had even already received a roommate which changed and ned is going there now. How ned wasn’t able to accomplish that I don’t know)

I don’t know if I will be able to make another entry before I leave for utah tomorrow or not. I’m really looking forward to spending time with my dad, It seems almost as if in the past few months he’s had some internal revelation and I’m very excited about it. I’m excited at the prospect of really getting to talk with him, then there is the skiing which is just going to be fun. We’ve been smack talking each other for weeks, I’m just gonna feel bad when he doesn’t get a chance to catch his breath. Although I won’t say anything when he blames it on the altitude.

take care and God bless your soul,
~paul

My friend called this a little ‘disney’ of me but alas sometimes I’m like that. Although I’m not totally sure why it happened yesterday, it did happen. It just hit me and I was faced with this epiphany that I had been ignoring up to that point. Maybe it’s a little of this hopeless romantic inside of me trying to come up with super elaborate schemes. Last night I finally realized what was right there, who was right there, and how much I enjoy being around her. I don’t know if it caught her off guard or not but it was nice, amazingly nice to spend a couple hours with her.

Last night I slept with a smile on my face, I could tell because this morning my cheeks were a little sore. Now there is just this long month span where I won’t get to see her, though she did just tell me she’d talk to me. That was sweet of her.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

Have you ever stopped and thought if it was truly enough? If the relationships you had with those around you were sustaining you as a person, or if you were putting enough work into a project or job, or if your idea of what you should be doing was accomplishing what you think it aught to. If you truly understand what it is you know, or if you can be enough without understanding that knowledge?

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Story background information:
A little over a month ago I was really into this gal named Terry. I would swing by and leave notes on her door and see if I couldn’t catch her for a moment just to chat and make sure she was doing alright. After about a week she started avoiding me pretty bad, then one of her really good friends proceeded to call me creepy and a stalker for all of that. Now story time.

Story:
Tonight at dinner we were just living it up and making fun of each other. Was a good time for sure with the guys (since the girls took up the entire long table we packed around a smaller round table). Our meal was winding down and only Lauren and Kelli were left at the other table. Earlier when Kelli was getting food someone, that she was less then interested in, asked Lauren what her name was. She should have told him to grow a pair and ask her himself but she just didn’t tell him. At this point of the meal I saw him stand up and start walking over to our side of the commons, I pick up my tray and walk over to talk to kelli as to deter him from coming over and bugging her. I let her know that he had gotten up and they mocked me to flirt with her.

I threw my leg up on the table as to make a scene and they broke out laughing shortly before I did. We talked for a minute then cleared our trays and left back to the dorms. We were talking about my table ‘experience’ and as we got to the outer doors Scott made an off-handed comment about my flirting abilities tonight, implying how creepy they were. On the other side of the door there was terry and her roommate. I couldn’t help but sequel out “Irony” and a few steps later Scott and me broke out in amazing laughter.

Other News:
there really isn’t to much going on, got my last fundamentals of design project done, have my drawing portfolio review tomorrow, and seem to be staying on top of pretty much everything I need to be

Also I want to that everyone who prayed for me over the past two days, and an extra thanks for those who prayed for jon and his family. They need our continued support.

Take Care and may God bless your soul,
~paul