Letter from June 2001
Well this is a letter that I hope people find. In no way does it have anything to deal with suicide or any of that…
I am Depressed. I would have written a bigger ‘d’ but I know people that have been lower and I myself have been as well. It just boggles my mind how people don’t want to see what is so obvious. They just always try to blame it off on something else like the computer or skiing. How it makes me a less social person or how the people I’m around are a negative influence on my life. It is mostly my parents. Why can’t they see that they are my biggest problem. I pick up on so much. Hear them talk. It is destroying me. Why can’t they show their love for each other. I’m always hearing my mom’s rant on things she dislikes about dad. How he never fixes anything, doesn’t notice his own health, forgets little things that he should do, how he never calls her to let her know when he’ll be home. But my dad is also giving off signs. The silent moments at the dinner table, inactivity at home, not willing to help around the house.
It is tearing me apart inside to see the two people that I care about most slowly drift away from each other. In an instant I would give so much, everything I have, so that they will love like they did before. The moments of endless thoughts of the other. It hurts to see the two of them standing next too each other and then walk away with no physical sign of affection. I love them both so much and wish that I could give them that love to share between the two of them. The next page is going to be more on about me, what’s been happing to me lately.
Well I’m going to start this with a thank you. Don’t know what I would have done without You there. Now I’m going to start back a few months ago.
I was/am depressed. Right now is A LOT better that I was prior to my birthday. From the top. At first I didn’t even realize that I was depressed. I’m not sure if it was not wanting to admit that I was or truly not knowing. The first time I truly questioned it was one night when I caught myself thinking of all the ways that one could kill themselves. It was a huge shock to me once I accepted it. That was several years ago and it quickly got better from there. To the point where it was like nothing was ever wrong. I put that night behind me and promised myself to look forward. Maybe a year went by since I broke up with Tara (that was the real reason why). The same feelings started to come back. So I would just free write to figure out the problem/s. They were skiing, school, and most importantly my parents (see page 1). I can tell that I am acting different. I know they notice yet day nothing. It started to go downhill from there. It was like living hell for me for those days. The only thing to look forward to was my birthday. What happened that day will be with me forever.
The day started out great, got to see my crush at church and church was good. Then my dad takes us to Edina for lunch. They were closed and there is a short/loud argument. That shot me because I figured that things were going better there. At that point I just wanted to go home and cry, but we went to lunch somewhere else. I suggested Perkins but my dad made us go to Kinkads. I don’t remember much about that place except thinking that the waitress cared about me more than my more for my dad (and vise versa). Then we went home and just sat there. I had nothing at all to do. Time slowed down and I was getting slightly more depressed every minute. I finally came up with something to do around 5:00. I left for Kinko’s wishing that I had given hugs to everyone and let my brothers know that I love them.
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