PaulPrins.net

This is the conclusion of the previous entry (the one before the poem) and I highly encourage that you read that before reading this entry. Once you?ve read it or glanced over it to refresh yourself please read this in its entirety. The poem was pretty good too? I like poetry, but I digress and shall press onward.
————————————————

I left the previous entry with a cautionary note entering into dating relationships. Quickly to recap the reasoning; each person has to define themselves with who they are and what their abilities and characteristics are before they attach themselves to another person (who, if they aren?t defined, will start to define who they are).

If you?ve grasped onto and are looking towards change that is what this post in about. From the Inside Out, how we are affect by our thoughts and our actions and how they determine who we are. So often in life you hear about people who wish that they were different or saw everything in different light/attitude, The only hindrance to those feeling and longings is an understanding of how the transformation takes place, how we move from who we are toward who we see ourselves as. Once we have that understand and are closer to who we wish to be and see ourselves becoming that person more and more each day then it is alright to watch for possible relationships.

In an idealistic relationship each person would compliment the other, where one would have weaknesses the other stands strong and supportive. Helping both in the couple push forward in becoming better and stronger people. Allowing them to accomplish more and more as their lives progress together. That through complimenting each other they become more reliant on each other in a healthy way, they come to each other when they need to encouraged and reaffirmed, not propped up and defined.

When each one of the couple knows where their strong points are and where their partners? strong points are, then they have a power to accomplish so much more, and to be more successful at it. If it?s when you?re raising children or going on/planning trips, knowing where each person should support the other is very important.

If you are in a relationship when you aren?t defined as a person, prior to entering that relationship, the system described above will not work. You?ll find yourself defining yourself utilizing the other person, as I have in the past, and then are unsure of where and how you truly fit into the relationship. You?re only sure that you desire it because it helps you to understand who you are. When it is a definition of yourself it is not allow you to give selflessly all you have for the other person, because you need them. You can not give everything to someone that you need so much from, you will only be giving back what they are giving you.

To be completely honest I am not the most, well, versed on this subject, I can only speak of what I?ve done wrong in the past and my understanding of why it was incorrect and infer what is. This is a logically based argument based on my beliefs and experiences. I hope someday that my hopelessly romantic heart will find someone who will allow me to treat them how I see myself treating them. Giving all of everything I can for them, and them in return, to the point where we become equally balanced and unified in our understanding and vision. Then, at that point, there won?t be much of anything that could get in our way towards wherever we wanted to go or be. All of course hypothetical, as I?m single at the moment and no where close to marrying anyone anytime soon, though I am completely sure that.

The poem I wrote a earlier this month (posted right before this entry) regards what is necessary for the change to take place. To take time for yourself, to discover where you stand and what you believe in and furthermore, your strengths and weaknesses. We all have them and should pull in and grasp them (weaknesses) rather then push them away. I ended the piece showing that the world will not see you as changed, that even when you look in the mirror from day to day you will appear to be the same person, but inside your heart and mind tell a different story. That even you will see the same person, but to not get discouraged because change is taking place and to hold onto that truth and not be scared to be who you shall become. Even if the world is not seemingly ready for it.

The world we live in does not like change.

In essence the poem is about me and the distance I had to put between those types of relationships and watching them from a distance. Even though I cared so much for those around me and the person who I was involved with (?I saw you there floating despair, out of reach, unable to care.?) I had to take that time for myself and let the ?world fly by? so that I could become who I am destined to be. Making myself close my eyes on who I thought I was, so that I could open my eyes to who I am and see what needed to be done to get where I wanted to be. Knowing that while I was in a relationship I wouldn?t be able to focus the time I needed to in order to strengthen my relationship with God and being able to get Him more involved in my day to day life. Taking that time away has been one of the best things I?ve ever done (did it twice, once to help through depression and once to get closer to God. Both times discovering more about who I am and want to be).

Take care and God bless,
~paul

written to go along with the previous and the next entry. Please read them if you haven’t. they are basically the essence of what this poem is about (so for those of you reading this poem before I write the last piece, you get a little hint of what?s coming).

I am sorry for it being quite out there… I’ve been writing very deep poetry lately. maybe it will make more sense later

May God bless you and your heart tonight,
~paul

written on march 24, 2004
————————————————–

?For without notice they hit, whirlwinds of change?

roun? about whirlwind
leaving no place to begin.
while the world tilts ?n shakes.
forcing me to sit,
loosing pace,
falling back
in the race.

my life spent for this.
what I sit through ?n miss,
when the winds of change hit,
I saw you there
floating despair
out of reach
unable to care.

forcing eyes to go closed
to the only world I know.
fading away ?n loosing sight
what I long to hold.
while I regress,
sorting the mess
left in mind.

the battle rages onward ?n inward
disheveled mess I appear
all the while longing to hear
voices that aren?t mine;
the moonlit sky,
my cry,
my change.

for when I open these eyes
disheveled mess appears the same
yet I sit here confused
now I?m better than you
stronger than you
further than you
different than you, me?

~paul prins 3/24/04

I?ve been struck reading so much from the minds of my friends about relationships and need and desire and trying to understand. Figure that I will try to describe as best I can with what I have, but twenty-six keys.

It seems as though we are so often trying to gain understanding to why we feel something or to be able to control our emotions. The culture we have been brought up in wants us to be strong, to be you, and to let other people realize how amazing you are. They have totally missed the point. I spent five years of my life depressed because I was trying to attain that very thing, thinking that if I could just fix this about me, or change that aspect of my personality I would be the best person there is. If I could only write better, draw better, relate to people better, THEN I could be something that society would marvel at, who would turn heads when I entered a room, and whose presence was unmistakable. Five years of Hell I endured to attain that reality that was to be my future.

Trying so much to get there, reading philosophy books, dating the best people I knew hoping something would rub off, taking challenging courses, pushing myself whenever I could and only winding up more drained and empty. Because the little that I was hanging onto, that was keeping me going, I had just divided so many ways that I couldn?t even see what was left for me. I was emotionally bankrupt and starving for the ability to feel real again. I didn?t understand how the people I looked at, who had it right, the right that I couldn?t achieve even if I put all my heart into everything I did. It only left me with nothing to give myself. Some would call me selfless, from where I am sitting it?s called empty.

Then something I read somewhere got me to thinking about what I was feeling, I believe it was in Aristotle?s ?Ethics? but it doesn?t really matter, and I realized what I really wanted. I didn?t want to draw better, write better, and relate better or even fall in love, I wanted to smile with all of who I am. It took five years of going through this hellish state of never being good enough for myself, let alone anyone else, to realize all I wanted was to be able to smile for who I am. The relationships I had and people I dated made me feel great about who I appeared to be, the poems I wrote let people know there was love there (though if I was able to give it or not I don?t know), the care I showed people was only a reflection of what I so desired in return, taking a chance on giving so much hoping for something in return.

It took a long time of distance from what I had known for me to get the social ?norms? out of my being, and to be able to look into the mirror and smile because today my eyes were open. Open to be able to look into and back at me, open to see others who felt the exact same as me, open to understanding that I wasn?t alone, open to realizing my problems no matter how hard they hurt. Being able to sit and reflect and understand why I needed to date, why I found such comfort with her in my arms, was it because I felt as though she cared when I didn?t even? Yes. I wished I could relate to people better because then I could stop feeling as though I was ?not lonely, just secluded.? Or maybe if people would open up to me and tell me their problems my life wouldn?t seem so outlandish and dissimilar from others. Everything that I felt I was getting any sort of fulfillment form only returned back to an unfulfilled desire to understand who I truly was. The only way for me to get there was for me to face my greatest fear, to look into the mirror and realize that it was him who held the key, that if I wanted to smile because there was a disgusting day outside I was able to experience, I had to discover myself.

———–
Now don?t go thinking I?m some hippy because I?m talking about self discovery, I?m anything but a hippy (quite the conservative Christian actually) I just ask that if you?ve read this far you hold on for a couple more minutes.
———–

The mind is the most powerful thing someone will ever possess, because what you think is who you are. I took a break from everything that used to sustain my being, I stopped dating, I stopped skiing, I stopped writing, until I could understand how to do it for myself. To sit down and write a poem of how I felt, till I thought through what I didn?t understand about myself and didn?t like about myself, until I learned to accept that and realize that other aspects of who I was made my shortfalls so insignificant. We all have our gifts, it took time for me to find what some of mine were and even longer to realize how I was to use them. Once I had taken that time that I dedicated to myself and trying so many things even within my own time and studies. Focusing upon the dreams I remember having; be it to experience nature, to take photos, to express myself in writing where others can read it and become engaged, to have a relationship with God. Those where only some of the things that I had wanted to do but never had taken the time for myself to experience and try. There were some that the passion didn?t grasp and I let them go, but others were so intense with passion that I keep doing them.

With more time I was able to attain levels where I felt pride in what I had done, maybe not because the piece turned out how I wanted it to, because when I look at it I see the journey it took to get there and saw how far I had come in something, in this thing. Filling myself with accomplishments that were unique to me, because I was the one to do them because I wanted to. Until that point I couldn?t understand how people stood tall, or commanded presence, it?s not because of who they appear to be, it?s because of who they know they are. They may not have everything, but they have something and the progression of it gives them only more passion that others can sense. At this point you can truly come into your own, and be the person that before has only lived within closed eyes and a dark mind.

I caution you from getting into a relationship before you have reached that point because they are crutches; I?ve been in my share to realize that. You will define yourself as us, changing yourself and molding to the frame they present, instead of complimenting each other and being who you are for them (compared to being who they want you to be, because if this was true any relationship would work).

Sorry for becoming so long winded with this post but my heart was not content to conclude until this point. I hope this makes sense; I?ve been doing my share of thinking on this subject over the past months and finally reached a point where I could compose my thoughts for others. I?m always here for anyone.

In the next couple days I’ll write some more about this.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

I?ve been so blessed today. It seems like I have more and more posts starting like this but I am realizing more and more how much and often I am. God has been so gracious to me and I?m in awe. Turns out that my crazy schedule has yielded some great results. I got a 65/70 on my last set of drawings (the set of two triptychs that I posted pictures of a little while back) that is a vast improvement over my first drawing project, which got around a 43. Needless to say getting that around noon today made my whole day.

On top of that my stress level is completely dispersed. The essay that I had due in English was completed and turned in, the art history mid-term went really well and I think I modified my essay content more towards the teachers liking, and I am really looking forward to the next drawing project. So much so that I am going to go up there tomorrow on my day off and just sit and become further inspired by the space and let my emotions run over me and see what I can come up with. Bring my camera back up there as well as my journal to write out some poetry I can try to incorporate into a couple of my pieces.

The planning meeting for the 3 on 3 basketball tournament went really well today, we got everything laid out and in place that we need to have. Should be a lot of fun and really get a bunch of people from campus involved, hopefully a large number of off campus peeps. Then bible study went well, and the rest of the night was just satisfying.

Tomorrow will be a really nice change of pace, don?t have any classes (as it?s mid-program review so no art classes) and will get to sleep in and just relax. Also going out for coffee which will be a great time.

There are people on my heart and mind and may God bless them and take care of them,
~paul

Five minutes till midnight and the beckoning of another day
Five minutes till tomorrow is no longer at bay
Five minutes till I wish it was tomorrow
Five minutes till the reality of my sorrow
Five minutes till the realization that I?m here
Five minutes till I let go of concern.

The culmination of so much has come to a point right now, midnight and the entrance of tomorrow becoming today. The workload for today is immense, probably one of the largest I?ve felt all year thus far. I have it all done (well not the bible study yet?) and made the deadline I set for myself, allowing me to get a solid night?s rest in before starting today.

Over the past five days I?ve had to complete two triptych drawings (six panels) for drawing class which meant doing four full drawings in two days, then I had to complete my Computer Science project (my game which turned out really well), and then this past weekend I took to unwind from that and write my five page essay (titled ?Somewhere Between Civilized and Barbaric: A Discussion Through the Eyes of Michel Eyquem de Montaigne?) and also compile all of the images we studied in art history thus far this semester into a study guide that I may glance over tomorrow.

To top it all off, Wednesday is the mid program review which means that there are no art classes for those of us not participating in the review. For me it means that I don?t have class until 1:25, and it?s a class I don?t normally go to. Needless to say I will sleep well that night well into the day. Hopefully I?ll have some time to sit down and write some more poetry. It?s been a while and the structure of that essay has me craving a more abstract outlet for writing (also sorry for the horrible poem at the top of this, it?s late and I?m just happy to be done).

Well I?m gonna take a midnight walk with chris, I wish you all the best today and may God?s grace find a place within your heart.
~paul

Here are some photos I took with my new camera, these are very scaled down though (origionals were around 3megs each…)

I’ll have a real post sometime in the near future, after all SK80’s was tonight and it was a ton of fun.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

This week has been very overwhelming. From working the majority of the time thus far on my drawings for the critique today and not even touching my Director project for computer programming? yea tonight will be a blast, I can tell you that right now. Because of so much class work I haven?t had the chance to really sit down and work through some of the mental stuff that is going on, also haven?t had a chance to hang out with a couple people since getting back from break. Been slightly bummed about that reality, however the fact that I can see the end of this streak of work is very appealing and satisfying.

Not to much has really been going on, I?ve been forced to disappear into my room more then I would like to finish up the projects I mentioned above. They are all turning out really great though; my drawings are finally looking like art and not something that a third grader regurgitated onto some paper. Had a critique today that, although it went long (more then three and a half hours), went amazingly well. Mr. Lume (teacher) really responded to my work and I?m feeling as though my grasp of it is really improving and it shows. When I head up to art history today I?m going to stop by my work to take some shots of it on the walls. I?ll post that later tonight.

Other then that, life is going along, slowly sorting it?s self out. I wish it would move faster but I honestly can?t complain. I am gaining an understanding of myself more then I?ve had in the past and it?s really starting to show though. My faith is growing even though I try to downplay it, I find myself relying on God more often to help me through and have noticed that I am feelings a lot better over all. I jus hope that the female situation would work it?s self out, I?ve been super tempted lately and that?s not good. I?ve changed and am trying hard to stay so. I may expound upon the latter at some point in the future, only time will tell. Funny how that relies on the one thing I?m so short of right now.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

Look… Some Pictures!!!!

these are very quickly matted from how they were hung on the wall. sorry that the perspective is a little skewed on some of them (click for larger image)…