PaulPrins.net

When I was younger the people who I held closest to me in friendship hurt me. Not only once but seemingly each person that I would grow close to. Over time I gained this mentality where I simply can?t get close to people because I will become hurt. As there is distance from the last time I felt that pain I go out on a limb and gain more friends and become close to them, only to be hurt again by those whom I care the most about. It?s caused me to throw up a shield around myself.

If there was one thing I could change, that would be it. Although the more I think about it the more natural it seems to be. No one wants to get hurt by those they care for, so some measure to assure that they remain safe is necessary. I just wish I were capable of having a really good friend who I could talk to and be completely open with. Even the people I?m closest with, the back of my mind tells me that it?s only a matter of time till they hurt me as the others before have. With all my heart I wish that I could get past this, but it?s so hard when I finally consider someone a ?best friend? that they turn around and hurt me so badly (betraying my trust or just up and leaving).

There are so many things that I wish would and could happen that aren?t possible, they aren?t possible because they are in the past. I know I?ve mentioned this earlier in here (titled something like Only if I was Back There) but I?m just sick and tired of feeling separated because of what I?ve done in the past. Maybe it?s self-imposed on me, but I?m sick of people knowing me because of that. I want people to know me because of who I am as a person not as what I?ve done in the past.

Second offshoot of this mental mind game of mine and upon realizing it I feel somewhat guilty. I realized that one of the reasons that I may have dated so often was with the hope that I would finally have that close relationship that I had so often heard about from others, yet never have experienced myself. My life is lived with an outward glow and covered by an inner shadow. The depression is under control, but I can?t help but feel that most people aren?t this way. Please someone understand me, look past what I?ve done to see who I am. Please see the good and the bad of WHO I am, take me as I am. I wish my request was simpler but it?s the longing of my being.

God bless,
~paul…

My feelings on this summer have been all over the map, from wanting to stay at home all the way to living in Vail doing paid internship type work for an event production firm. Little did I realize that a chance run in with a program director at the Christmas conference would shape the upcoming summer.

I had kept it very quite, the fact that I applied for summer project with campus crusade. Turned out that last Friday when Kyle (little brother) came to get my at school and we were sitting at culvers grabbing something to eat before heading back to the cities. Sitting there after eating, just sitting there talking my phone rang? After picking up the phone I was greeted by Adam on the other end.

Flash back one week, Adam called me up to ask some questions about the application I filled out and just to get to know me better. Some of the questions were difficult to talk about (as my past physical relationships) but it went very well. Back up to speed?

We only talked for a several minutes and it was nice to hear from him again. A couple of minutes into our conversation he let me know I had been accepted and my mind was blitzed with thoughts from everywhere. Only, solace lies in the fact that I knew from the moment I filled the application that I was going to go. This moment only aligned the truth my heart felt and knew (since I filled the application) with the disbelief my mind held.

Half of this summer will be spent in Toulouse, France doing mission work through Campus Crusade for Christ. I?ll be modifying the main site, www.paulprins.net, to hold more information and a way to contact me over the summer (assuming I have internet access and it?s at that site because the 100 spam emails a day won?t be very tempting to sift through).

Thank you for all your prayers

God bless,
~paul