Thought you guys might like this, A set of Stargazer Lillies that I took a photo of about this time last year. reallylove how it turned out and I cropped it to be a nice background size.
take care and God bles,
~paul
It?s so nice to be back to school today. Again I seemed to have jumped the gun and gotten here much sooner then a good share of the other guys and gals on the floor but it was just nice to see my room again and to sit in my chair and feel back where I was. Spring break was nice, although a week early in my opinion, and being able to relax and sleep in was a very appreciated alternative to my school routine.
I honestly didn?t do to much last week. I?m starting to realize that when I?m not at school I really don?t feel like working much at all. Some part of me thought that I might have worked on my drawings but I didn?t, didn?t work on my CS project either. The only school work that I did was reading the book that we are going to discuss for our Honors Colloquial the end of April? Very urgent I tell you? Eh it was an alright book and I wasn?t doing anything else that day.
My mind has been running at mock five since about midweek and I?m trying to put the breaks on at the moment. Not really breaks I guess, more just sorting out the sources and calming down my mind so I?ll be able to focus on schoolwork and the main task at hand, finishing my drawings by Wednesday night so I can hang them in Applied Arts for our Thursday critique. Then the CS project is due on Friday and I still have several hours of work to do there. It?s pretty sweet, I might post it here when I get it completed.
Being in a classic guy phase last week as well I spent a large portion of time looking at toys. Revisited digital cameras, which I?ve been watching for over nine months. Ordered one and it should be showing up this week here at school? needless to say I?m very excited about that. I?ll be taking a ton more pictures now once it shows up so be ready for that, Here?s to hoping we have exciting weather this spring so I can test the baby out.
Take care and God bless your soul,
~paul
When I was younger the people who I held closest to me in friendship hurt me. Not only once but seemingly each person that I would grow close to. Over time I gained this mentality where I simply can?t get close to people because I will become hurt. As there is distance from the last time I felt that pain I go out on a limb and gain more friends and become close to them, only to be hurt again by those whom I care the most about. It?s caused me to throw up a shield around myself.
If there was one thing I could change, that would be it. Although the more I think about it the more natural it seems to be. No one wants to get hurt by those they care for, so some measure to assure that they remain safe is necessary. I just wish I were capable of having a really good friend who I could talk to and be completely open with. Even the people I?m closest with, the back of my mind tells me that it?s only a matter of time till they hurt me as the others before have. With all my heart I wish that I could get past this, but it?s so hard when I finally consider someone a ?best friend? that they turn around and hurt me so badly (betraying my trust or just up and leaving).
There are so many things that I wish would and could happen that aren?t possible, they aren?t possible because they are in the past. I know I?ve mentioned this earlier in here (titled something like Only if I was Back There) but I?m just sick and tired of feeling separated because of what I?ve done in the past. Maybe it?s self-imposed on me, but I?m sick of people knowing me because of that. I want people to know me because of who I am as a person not as what I?ve done in the past.
Second offshoot of this mental mind game of mine and upon realizing it I feel somewhat guilty. I realized that one of the reasons that I may have dated so often was with the hope that I would finally have that close relationship that I had so often heard about from others, yet never have experienced myself. My life is lived with an outward glow and covered by an inner shadow. The depression is under control, but I can?t help but feel that most people aren?t this way. Please someone understand me, look past what I?ve done to see who I am. Please see the good and the bad of WHO I am, take me as I am. I wish my request was simpler but it?s the longing of my being.
God bless,
~paul…
My feelings on this summer have been all over the map, from wanting to stay at home all the way to living in Vail doing paid internship type work for an event production firm. Little did I realize that a chance run in with a program director at the Christmas conference would shape the upcoming summer.
I had kept it very quite, the fact that I applied for summer project with campus crusade. Turned out that last Friday when Kyle (little brother) came to get my at school and we were sitting at culvers grabbing something to eat before heading back to the cities. Sitting there after eating, just sitting there talking my phone rang? After picking up the phone I was greeted by Adam on the other end.
Flash back one week, Adam called me up to ask some questions about the application I filled out and just to get to know me better. Some of the questions were difficult to talk about (as my past physical relationships) but it went very well. Back up to speed?
We only talked for a several minutes and it was nice to hear from him again. A couple of minutes into our conversation he let me know I had been accepted and my mind was blitzed with thoughts from everywhere. Only, solace lies in the fact that I knew from the moment I filled the application that I was going to go. This moment only aligned the truth my heart felt and knew (since I filled the application) with the disbelief my mind held.
Half of this summer will be spent in Toulouse, France doing mission work through Campus Crusade for Christ. I?ll be modifying the main site, www.paulprins.net, to hold more information and a way to contact me over the summer (assuming I have internet access and it?s at that site because the 100 spam emails a day won?t be very tempting to sift through).
Thank you for all your prayers
God bless,
~paul
It?s awesome how after a night where everything seems to go right, you mind can?t seem to form a thought that is coherent because you?re so overrun that your mind isn?t able to focus on one thing for more then a moment.
Tonight I got out of the house and went up and had Coffee (well she had chai tea which was much better then my coffee) with Rachel. It was simply amazing, I wish I could put it into better words but the fact that I?m sitting here almost an hour and a half later not really sure what I could write about should say something.
It was so nice to sit down with someone and find out that we had so much in common, we spent three hours sitting uptown just talking (as it only took about half an hour to finish our drinks) and commenting on whatever came to mind. We?re going out again on Saturday and hopefully it will be another great evening together.
I?m going to try to get some sleep now so that I can wake up and have Kessia Day! I?ve really missed her at school, one of the few people from back home that I?ve missed. Lately I?ve been feeling so blessed and I hope that you all are able to feel the same.
Take care and God bless,
~paul
I know that most of what I write in here is me venting my angst of the world, eh can?t win them all. Here is something a little more up beat I guess.
It seems like it?s been so long since I?ve met someone who just the sound of their voice brings a smile to my face. That after only a few short moments on the phone I am overcome with this longing to just be overjoyed. That when it something seems to be falling apart I just remember the time when we?re going to hang out and it seems to take the edge off any pain. I love this sensation and the emotion that it entails. The thought and understanding that one day this is all I will feel and experience is enough to keep me going and loving every moment of whatever is sent my way.
I’m super excited for coffee tonight… I will make more sense of this later.
Looking through an old journal of mine I found the following entry?
?I?ve never understood being alone
not having anywhere to turn
words can?t describe this feeling
this inner rage and bitter angst?
How I love being past that, being able to see past that, because at times that?s all you can do.
I used to have a reason for this post? but that has disappeared into my ramblings, sorry about that.
Take care and God bless,
~paul
Today I waited for a half an hour to get my photo taken and the paper work filled out to receive a new passport. The majority of the time I was waiting I found myself starting up at the cube descended from the ceiling trying to decide if I would get in trouble for bringing in a still camera to take a photo of it. Needless to say, the fact that I left my camera stuff at school didn?t come to mind as I was distracted by the lines and the way they worked their way across the room and how the cube seemed to just be there? from out of no where.
The passport photo turned out pretty well, happy I thought to put on a collar shirt since I?ll have this passport for the next ten years of my life. I would have felt some what stupid wearing some tacky skiing tee-shirt every time I go through customs for the next decade of my life, of which I?ve almost endured two.
Being that my birthday is only slightly more then two months off, it?s weird to think that I?ve now been alive, seemingly, about one third of my life. I hope to live to be eighty but to be fair the number sixty seems reasonable. Plus if I live much past six I duno how long I?ll be able to find things to do (eh, I know God will have some reason for keeping me around). I?m also really looking forward to the summer, actually more then any other summer that I can remember. I?ll write more about that later though?
Take care and God Bless,
~paul
