Paul Prins

I know that what I?m about to write isn?t something utterly unique or ground breaking but I feel like if I get it out in writing that maybe the feelings will subside. So often I feel like I?m not enough, and I?m constantly running after something that seems so hard to attain but at the same time rests so close to my grasp. How I seem to be running a race that I can?t finish, and at the same time I?m unsure if I want to finish. For so long I?ve been looking at this idea, this conception of a person, and longing for the day I could step into those shoes and they have alluded me for so long.

Finally I feel like this distant goal of who I wish to become is so close, but so far. Not that I have that far to go (as compared to the path left behind there isn?t all that much left to cover) only that I am battling inside myself if it?s what I truly want. People are always talking about conflicts with others and avoiding the turmoil within themselves. There is this tear within my soul of a longing and a reality and the distance I sense between them. Realizing, for the first time, that I am the only one causing that distance to exist.

Faced with the truth that I am the one holding myself back from becoming what and who I?ve longed to be. While I sit here indecisively holding onto what I seem to identify with, remembering the countless hours and passion I poured into it, unable to fathom letting go of my ?back up? plan. For me to be able to continue to move forward I need to answer this question and it allows for two options and one choice. The question is simple, do I stay where I?m at or head off and challenge myself further? The answer is what is causing the problems, I love the security that skiing has given me and the job opportunities that have arisen from my work. On the flip side of the coin, there is so much that I would be able to experience if I give up my ?back up? plan.

I have the feeling that I get when I am at a high place, I?m scared and don?t want to look down even though I know I have to in order to realize I?m standing on the ground.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

I sit here from a distance, wondering and waiting for the moment in this span of time to be right. For the chance and opportunity to arise and for you to long to understand something that is at the very core of who I am. Nothing in my being longs more then for that conversation to happen for you.

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The thoughts of a contemplative mind run rampant while trying to grasp and understand something so natural and free that they ignore the longings of their soul for You. They push and run for so much of their life, hoping to hold on to what is ‘theirs‘ and who they are, fearing that to ‘give in‘ would be to fail, all the while they are running towards the bottom of the valley whois fait is eternal and damming.

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Je vois le beauté d’intérieur qui vous étes, bien que vous pas, et ne pouvez pas aider mais sourire quand je le vois.
I see the beauty that’s inside you even though you don’t, and I can’t help but smile when I see it.

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From the shadows I stand and dictate with the motions of a hand, words run slowly from the lips to entice and contrive the stillness of now. I seek to stay underneath the knowledge of those who long to know, to avoid any commotion or need to show who I am to who they are. What I do is not of me, seek not the vessel but the commander and He shall reward you beyond the possibilities of this world when he is sought with all your heart.

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Short thoughts and incoherent rants push the limits of an already stretched mind, making it only a matter of time until it unwinds and unfurls four fold. Held together through the grace of God and his wisdom and power. With tomorrow comes guidance and understanding, with today comes rest and preparation for a journey unsure and unknown.

Take care and God bless,
~paul