Paul Prins

There is this theater in town, the Mabel Tainter, that we drew at. There was so much there that it was hard to decide what to draw and what to leave alone. In classic style I did the majority of my drawings the night/day before they were due (well only 4.5 of the 6….) and they turned out pretty good. I took these shots after I hung them up in the applied arts building, they are blurry and the color is off a bit. So here they are, will make a real entry tomorrow. Got some stuff going on in my life I should write out here.

Diptych One – To be Famous…

Diptych Three – Which Face to Wear

if you’re wondering, diptych two was just really bad and not worth my time to put up here.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

Maybe someday you?ll know
the time spent at this window,
with eyes up to the sky
wondering why it?s taking so long.
To be taken where the stars are brighter
and the moon will set you by my side
for that moment neither of us could hide
from how we feel for each other.

To show you my longing heart,
and start by holding you like so
pointing to the stars I saw from my window
telling how they made me dream of you.
Then sit and listen to all you have to say
catching all that your heart pours out
about to realize what all this means
when the time shall come to say goodbye.
don?t know how and not sure why
I am loosing you and your grace,
as this place with you in my arms fades away.

For tonight I?m sitting in my room staring into the night air
longing for the plane to take me there.
Where time will stop for you and me,
letting words be said worry free
you?d understand how my heart is resting,
or is it restlessly waiting for you?

-paul prins 4/11/04

Here is a question that is so often neglected. What is it that truly holds you back from what you want to get done? It isn?t someone else, it is something within you and how you look at something. I see it time and time again within myself and holding myself back from what it is my heart truly desires. So what is it that?s holding you back?

Every aspect of your life is a challenge that you need to face and we all have areas we consider strengths and others that are weaknesses (although it may not be immediately apparent to us). To be able to look retrospectively upon your life in so many areas, being able to see your weaknesses is a very valuable asset. Once you see them and can realize and accept them it will allow you to finally move forward past the barrier that has been put up out of worry and concern.

So often I see people concerned or worried, sometimes just timid towards attempting something. All because they understand it isn?t strength but don?t understand how it is a weakness. When you can grasp that understanding and admit to yourself how you ?struggle? then you are able to accomplish so much more. Be it in faith, school, work, relationships, or even in things relating to the passions of your life. No one is perfect and we need to embrace our imperfections if we wish to accomplish what our heart desires.

It kills me inside to see people who are living with areas of their life that way, I know I do at times as well but it pains me nonetheless. I wish that I could understand what you?re going through or help you to see it from another perspective, as sometimes that?s all it takes. For some reason I feel as though I can sense it, maybe because I try to be in tune with myself doing it, and it?s a gift to be able to feel. I only wish it weren?t so often that I would.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

This is something that, in all honesty, I have been avoiding for some time (see previous post). I have this weird gift where I am able to see where God needs me to be and I know how to get there, most of the time I can figure out why and make sense of the situation. For the past while I have been avoiding something because of the change that it would require, and to be honest I’m not completely sure all that change will entail but here I go.

There have been times in my life were I’ve tried so hard to misunderstand what God is telling me to do. It’s hard for me to fathom why he has me do certain things, and doing those is what creates faith. While I do live by and with my faith, I will admit it is a heck of a lot easier when I can figure out why He is telling me to do something. I understand why he has me be so caring and how it affects others and shows how he cares for them. I can see why he had me step up to be the bible study co-leader, to help the guys grow in their understanding of God and the purpose of their lives. I can understand why he placed me on the Evangelism Team, to help provide some leadership and to share my wisdom and understanding when I can. I can understand why he placed me in France this summer, to increase my dependence on Him and to push my evangelism even further in a culture that I hardly know (which should make it easier here, I hope). I can understand why he has me put so much pressure on myself, and how my enthusiasm has affected the others in the movement at stout.

I cannot see why he has me leaving skiing. I have tried for over eight months to understand and I can’t. I understood why I was doing what I did in skiing (with the videos, events, community building) to build experience and gain knowledge and I thought it was to reach out to them, to help them understand who He is and to be this example to follow. It made so much sense that I couldn’t see how it could be any other way, even if God was telling me something totally different. To the point where he tore everyone in skiing that I cared about from my life (aside from the Jones boys, but I understand my purpose there). Since last summer God has put it on my heart to stop and get out, I battled with Him all winter and it was to the point were I had all but turned my back to God on this area of my life, because I didn’t want him to touch it. I would let him do anything else with me but he had to leave skiing alone.

All it did was make me realize that, while I know everything there is to know about running events, I can’t do it without God and his presence. We didn’t have the on hill prayers I wanted to because my back was turned to him, and to bring prayer onto the hill would be to face God where I wanted him least. Since the event I’ve spent so much time in prayer trying to convince God to change his mind about where I’m headed, to no avail and it killed me inside to realize that, to realize how long I had ignored him. Looking back on opportunities that I’ve missed because of my desire to be right, to prove God wrong on my terms. It sounds to trite for me to be fighting with God like this.

On late Sunday night it was to a point where I stopped eating and started fasting to try one last time to sway Gods decision for me. I spent so much time in prayer talking to him and trying to make sense of why he should continue to bless me in skiing and let me stay here, where it is comfortable for me, where I seem to understand my purpose. Some thirty hours later I realize how stupid what I was doing truly was. So I broke my fast about half way through, wasn’t even hungry but it was just so pointless. Forcing me to start to accept this step of faith I need to take.

I know and understand what it is I need to do. Now is the time to start, I’m worried that to delay any longer could cause me to miss something which could completely change the life of someone else. While I don’t see being concerned about what you are doing as a bad thing, it can’t effect someone in the way this does and will. I can’t live feeling that I let someone else down because of my selfish behavior, it’s something I won’t put up with. There is more to this, but it is stuff that I feel like I shouldn’t be telling most, if anyone. In time you’ll know, but now I am listening with a willing heart.

I will walk with you and thank you for waiting on a heart that is longing to understand your plan and eager to do your will.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

I know that what I?m about to write isn?t something utterly unique or ground breaking but I feel like if I get it out in writing that maybe the feelings will subside. So often I feel like I?m not enough, and I?m constantly running after something that seems so hard to attain but at the same time rests so close to my grasp. How I seem to be running a race that I can?t finish, and at the same time I?m unsure if I want to finish. For so long I?ve been looking at this idea, this conception of a person, and longing for the day I could step into those shoes and they have alluded me for so long.

Finally I feel like this distant goal of who I wish to become is so close, but so far. Not that I have that far to go (as compared to the path left behind there isn?t all that much left to cover) only that I am battling inside myself if it?s what I truly want. People are always talking about conflicts with others and avoiding the turmoil within themselves. There is this tear within my soul of a longing and a reality and the distance I sense between them. Realizing, for the first time, that I am the only one causing that distance to exist.

Faced with the truth that I am the one holding myself back from becoming what and who I?ve longed to be. While I sit here indecisively holding onto what I seem to identify with, remembering the countless hours and passion I poured into it, unable to fathom letting go of my ?back up? plan. For me to be able to continue to move forward I need to answer this question and it allows for two options and one choice. The question is simple, do I stay where I?m at or head off and challenge myself further? The answer is what is causing the problems, I love the security that skiing has given me and the job opportunities that have arisen from my work. On the flip side of the coin, there is so much that I would be able to experience if I give up my ?back up? plan.

I have the feeling that I get when I am at a high place, I?m scared and don?t want to look down even though I know I have to in order to realize I?m standing on the ground.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

I sit here from a distance, wondering and waiting for the moment in this span of time to be right. For the chance and opportunity to arise and for you to long to understand something that is at the very core of who I am. Nothing in my being longs more then for that conversation to happen for you.

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The thoughts of a contemplative mind run rampant while trying to grasp and understand something so natural and free that they ignore the longings of their soul for You. They push and run for so much of their life, hoping to hold on to what is ‘theirs‘ and who they are, fearing that to ‘give in‘ would be to fail, all the while they are running towards the bottom of the valley whois fait is eternal and damming.

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Je vois le beauté d’intérieur qui vous étes, bien que vous pas, et ne pouvez pas aider mais sourire quand je le vois.
I see the beauty that’s inside you even though you don’t, and I can’t help but smile when I see it.

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From the shadows I stand and dictate with the motions of a hand, words run slowly from the lips to entice and contrive the stillness of now. I seek to stay underneath the knowledge of those who long to know, to avoid any commotion or need to show who I am to who they are. What I do is not of me, seek not the vessel but the commander and He shall reward you beyond the possibilities of this world when he is sought with all your heart.

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Short thoughts and incoherent rants push the limits of an already stretched mind, making it only a matter of time until it unwinds and unfurls four fold. Held together through the grace of God and his wisdom and power. With tomorrow comes guidance and understanding, with today comes rest and preparation for a journey unsure and unknown.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

With the recent attack on Madrid, Spain one can’t help but realize, finally, that Islamic fundamentalists are not out for Americans, rather for anyone who they deem to be against them or to be infidels. Before March 11th there was a wide spread understanding that they were attacking us as Americans because we lived in America, because of our freedoms, because of the Americanization that has taken place around the world because of our capitalist system.

With the attacks last month in Spain we noticed a shift from that view point, while the Spanish are an ally of the US (or were before their recent elections, the current administration has come firm against America but has not truly been tested), they still were quite distant from us.

So why could this be good for the US Economy, and more specifically job creation? The effort that other countries, where we have outsourced much of our work, are putting towards battling and keeping terrorist plots suppressed is unsure. Recently the Canadian government has come out to say they aren’t doing everything they should, and those recent attacks on Madrid show that even more advanced Europe isn’t doing enough (though they are pretty good at appeasement). Leaving out of country assets vulnerable to attack, where assets that remain in the states are protected by the American government and the armed services.

As the threat continues to rise and become more of a front burner issue, I believe, we’ll see companies pulling some of their overseas work back into the states for safe keeping. That coupled with the strong market and largest job growth in years last month, it is turning out to be a very good time for the prosperity of Americans.