PaulPrins.net

Have I really changed inside? It?s a question that only I?m able to answer but I feel like working through it in this forum where others might be able to relate to me and what I?m going through in my mind.

I am different today then I was a month ago, there is no question about that. I?ve experienced things that have changed me and modified how I view life and myself. There have been people whom have impacted my life and who have recently become a part of it. Things have happened that I couldn?t have foreseen and defiantly didn?t fully comprehend at the time and now am battling to understand.

I?ve made many changes inside, my attitude towards women has improved again, and my understanding of how physical a dating relationship has been shifted drastically. There are several things I have done in the past that will not be done again until after marriage, fortunately I?m still a virgin, although some guys at college don?t seem to understand that, eh not saving myself for them, only for myself and God.

There is also the matter that I used to know the direction my life was headed. When I was home over spring break I could have told you exactly where and what I would be doing at the conclusion of college. Now I am speechless. It might be that I am feeling trapped and unsure of how I want to spend the rest of my life. There are these passions and interests that I want to pursue to the fullest before I set them aside. Things like writing, photography, youth ministry, full time ministry, marketing, event production, film post-production, philosophy, and I?m sure in a month there will be something else added to that list. I?m feeling trapped by the fact that I?m started to become trained in the arts, which is invaluable because it is where I am lacking the most knowledge.

So here I am, sitting/running, only wondering if I will be able to achieve something on the outside of art/advertising/marketing at the end of my time here. I won?t lie, the thought of switching majors has crossed my mind, even switching schools (for which I have a long ?blue? list). It just feels as if this is where I?m meant to be, the people and programs fall into place so well here. Maybe after this summer in France and next semester without skiing (which I have resigned from) will help me to further understand. Needless to say, I?m tired of waiting?

Take care and my God continue to bless you tomorrow.
~paul

Read this in a BBC Talkback article, ?Europe is already defeated. You may as well run-up the white flag and make it official! Bin Laden gauges Europe correctly! Weak, soft, impotent, decadent, etc.? hahahaha. Onto my post.

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All honor is lost on a person who?s never experienced it. The concept is so inconceivable and, sometimes, ghastly. The concept of honor is based in a hard set of morals, holding yourself to such a high standard that you would and will impose self punishment for acting immoral or acting out of what you need to do in order to reach a set goal. To dishonor yourself, your family, or (worst of all) your God are all unacceptable.

Why has honor gone the way of so many other traditions (such as chivalry)? Though for different reasons then chivalry (which has much to do with the women?s rights movement and the slipping of men?s understands of man?s role in society) they are both recent occurrences in our culture. There is a growing sentiment in America that we are a self made people, that everything that happens to us or for us comes about because of some chain of actions we set in motion. If it were set in motion only a short while ago, or years past, we are Directly responsible for our lives and their outcome.

If our lives are run on the assumption that we are living a self-made life then we are only letting ourselves down when we fail to meet expectations. This does two things; it increases the chances for depression and feelings if diminished self worth, and removes the needs for honor in our society. Being self-made implies that we are self-dependant from others both in reliance and dependence, as reliance and dependence are interwoven. Without needing anyone but yourself you are then removed from any responsibility for the wellbeing for others. That responsibility is what drives honor, you would go to extreme measures to assure you wouldn?t dishonor your family, especially your parents, and even greater measure to not dishonor God.

After recently watching ?House of Sand and Fog? this has become so increasingly clear. The ending of that movie was truly a beautiful representation of what it means to be Honorable. Ben Kingsly transcends the feels and attitude perfectly. I wish I had been raised with a larger sense of honor then I have, respect I hold in immense quantities, but respect is not honor.

Take care and may God continue to bless your soul in your daily walk,
~paul

If milk had alcohol in it, I would be so messed up right now? haha

I don?t know what I?m doing. It?s nearly one in the morning and I?m sitting here while my mind spins around uncontrollably. My entire life I?ve never asked for much of anything, only to understand and feel cared for. That longing has nearly driven me mad at points, where I couldn?t seem to understand. Mad to the point of introverting my senses inward with hopes of discovering something that I?m missing. That the missing piece to this internal mess lies with who I am and what I can?t seem to understand or accept about that.

It?s a gift to be able to see beauty in others, to be able to see it in everyone you meet on the street. With a casual pass lacking any sort of conversation, yet it is so hard to truly convince myself of what I am. For so long I?ve tried and at times, successfully, and right now feeling as if I haven?t. There are so many things that hold me back from accepting that, from accepting who I am rather than what I?ve become? It?s not that I don?t understand who I am, or that I?m not content where I am, only that it seems as though I will constantly want something more for myself. As if chasing a bar that is moving away just as fast as I can reach it, at some point will I not be able to jump any higher?

At times in life we need people to show us our amazing traits and to be blessed by those around us. Essentially wiping away the fog resting and slowly building upon our mirror and window into our soul. That?s what we have and need friends for, to clear our minds from the clutter and fog that will build and clog our thoughts. My actions will continue to run true because of a heart I?m told is gentle and loving. Sometimes it?s just hart to tell for whom.

This post is a combination of things cumulating tonight while I watched ?House of Sand and Fog,? which is a very good film. It?s good I realize what?s going on at times. For those of you concerned, thank you, but I should be alright with the rise of the sun upon my soul.

Take care and God bless,
~paul prins

There is this theater in town, the Mabel Tainter, that we drew at. There was so much there that it was hard to decide what to draw and what to leave alone. In classic style I did the majority of my drawings the night/day before they were due (well only 4.5 of the 6….) and they turned out pretty good. I took these shots after I hung them up in the applied arts building, they are blurry and the color is off a bit. So here they are, will make a real entry tomorrow. Got some stuff going on in my life I should write out here.

Diptych One - To be Famous…

Diptych Three - Which Face to Wear

if you’re wondering, diptych two was just really bad and not worth my time to put up here.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

Maybe someday you?ll know
the time spent at this window,
with eyes up to the sky
wondering why it?s taking so long.
To be taken where the stars are brighter
and the moon will set you by my side
for that moment neither of us could hide
from how we feel for each other.

To show you my longing heart,
and start by holding you like so
pointing to the stars I saw from my window
telling how they made me dream of you.
Then sit and listen to all you have to say
catching all that your heart pours out
about to realize what all this means
when the time shall come to say goodbye.
don?t know how and not sure why
I am loosing you and your grace,
as this place with you in my arms fades away.

For tonight I?m sitting in my room staring into the night air
longing for the plane to take me there.
Where time will stop for you and me,
letting words be said worry free
you?d understand how my heart is resting,
or is it restlessly waiting for you?

-paul prins 4/11/04

Here is a question that is so often neglected. What is it that truly holds you back from what you want to get done? It isn?t someone else, it is something within you and how you look at something. I see it time and time again within myself and holding myself back from what it is my heart truly desires. So what is it that?s holding you back?

Every aspect of your life is a challenge that you need to face and we all have areas we consider strengths and others that are weaknesses (although it may not be immediately apparent to us). To be able to look retrospectively upon your life in so many areas, being able to see your weaknesses is a very valuable asset. Once you see them and can realize and accept them it will allow you to finally move forward past the barrier that has been put up out of worry and concern.

So often I see people concerned or worried, sometimes just timid towards attempting something. All because they understand it isn?t strength but don?t understand how it is a weakness. When you can grasp that understanding and admit to yourself how you ?struggle? then you are able to accomplish so much more. Be it in faith, school, work, relationships, or even in things relating to the passions of your life. No one is perfect and we need to embrace our imperfections if we wish to accomplish what our heart desires.

It kills me inside to see people who are living with areas of their life that way, I know I do at times as well but it pains me nonetheless. I wish that I could understand what you?re going through or help you to see it from another perspective, as sometimes that?s all it takes. For some reason I feel as though I can sense it, maybe because I try to be in tune with myself doing it, and it?s a gift to be able to feel. I only wish it weren?t so often that I would.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

This is something that, in all honesty, I have been avoiding for some time (see previous post). I have this weird gift where I am able to see where God needs me to be and I know how to get there, most of the time I can figure out why and make sense of the situation. For the past while I have been avoiding something because of the change that it would require, and to be honest I?m not completely sure all that change will entail but here I go.

There have been times in my life were I?ve tried so hard to misunderstand what God is telling me to do. It?s hard for me to fathom why he has me do certain things, and doing those is what creates faith. While I do live by and with my faith, I will admit it is a heck of a lot easier when I can figure out why He is telling me to do something. I understand why he has me be so caring and how it affects others and shows how he cares for them. I can see why he had me step up to be the bible study co-leader, to help the guys grow in their understanding of God and the purpose of their lives. I can understand why he placed me on the Evangelism Team, to help provide some leadership and to share my wisdom and understanding when I can. I can understand why he placed me in France this summer, to increase my dependence on Him and to push my evangelism even further in a culture that I hardly know (which should make it easier here, I hope). I can understand why he has me put so much pressure on myself, and how my enthusiasm has affected the others in the movement at stout.

I cannot see why he has me leaving skiing. I have tried for over eight months to understand and I can?t. I understood why I was doing what I did in skiing (with the videos, events, community building) to build experience and gain knowledge and I thought it was to reach out to them, to help them understand who He is and to be this example to follow. It made so much sense that I couldn?t see how it could be any other way, even if God was telling me something totally different. To the point where he tore everyone in skiing that I cared about from my life (aside from the Jones boys, but I understand my purpose there). Since last summer God has put it on my heart to stop and get out, I battled with Him all winter and it was to the point were I had all but turned my back to God on this area of my life, because I didn?t want him to touch it. I would let him do anything else with me but he had to leave skiing alone.

All it did was make me realize that, while I know everything there is to know about running events, I can?t do it without God and his presence. We didn?t have the on hill prayers I wanted to because my back was turned to him, and to bring prayer onto the hill would be to face God where I wanted him least. Since the event I?ve spent so much time in prayer trying to convince God to change his mind about where I?m headed, to no avail and it killed me inside to realize that, to realize how long I had ignored him. Looking back on opportunities that I?ve missed because of my desire to be right, to prove God wrong on my terms. It sounds to trite for me to be fighting with God like this.

On late Sunday night it was to a point where I stopped eating and started fasting to try one last time to sway Gods decision for me. I spent so much time in prayer talking to him and trying to make sense of why he should continue to bless me in skiing and let me stay here, where it is comfortable for me, where I seem to understand my purpose. Some thirty hours later I realize how stupid what I was doing truly was. So I broke my fast about half way through, wasn?t even hungry but it was just so pointless. Forcing me to start to accept this step of faith I need to take.

I know and understand what it is I need to do. Now is the time to start, I?m worried that to delay any longer could cause me to miss something which could completely change the life of someone else. While I don?t see being concerned about what you are doing as a bad thing, it can?t effect someone in the way this does and will. I can?t live feeling that I let someone else down because of my selfish behavior, it?s something I won?t put up with. There is more to this, but it is stuff that I feel like I shouldn?t be telling most, if anyone. In time you?ll know, but now I am listening with a willing heart.

I will walk with you and thank you for waiting on a heart that is longing to understand your plan and eager to do your will.

Take care and God bless,
~paul