Cleaning out a Closet in my Mind
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004Sitting here tonight I am forced to reflect upon my fait and understanding. I?m forced to accept what I?ve taken upon myself. Realizing that those, even those closest to me, may never understand what it is that I am doing. How hard is it for someone to see the roll they should have played in God?s kingdom when they walked past the doors that were swung wide open for them. He has this uncanny way of closing the doors after you?ve walked past them and then having them turn up in someone else?s life. Being that I am one of the lucky few that has heard Him and seen the doors early in my life, I have a very unique opportunity to worship God through my life. I have the opportunity to spend my life living for His work no matter where and what it is.
I guess the hardest part for me isn?t the understanding of what it is I am meant to do. I?ve been blessed with gifts that allow me to do that. The hardest part for me is being able to get past what others close to me think. I spend so much of my time looking for affirmation that I know I am being hung up by it. Also I realize that I shouldn?t be, for some reason God is constantly affirming me and what I?m doing, making me feel so guilty and unworthy since I?m looking for something more. At the same time it is so humbling for me to realize that position that I?m in, that He?s put me in. To know that every day the rest of my life will be blessed, and that my days in eternity will be so boundless and blessed.
The hardest thing for me to do is talk to those closest to me about God. What is there to say, they think they know me so well and they all seem so set in stone. Seem to set in their ways even when I see Him changing their hearts and forcing them to think about religion. It?s just hard for me to accept that God is going to use me all over the world to help people and to bring people to know him, but those who I love most here on earth are not my responsibility. To be a model, the best I can, of Christianity, of someone who loves God more then anything else in the world and to show what that relationship could look like (as there are many ways it can take form and I can only represent mine).
My two biggest regrets would be my relationship with my dad. He just doesn?t seem to want to accept where I?m heading with my life and what God is calling me to do. It?s so frustrating because, for some stupid reason or another, I still look up to him even though I feel as though he?s let me down time and time again by not really encouraging me or pushing me into my passions. In this case, he?s not pushing me into God?s passion for me and it would be nice because it?s hard enough to do on my own. The other regret is how I?ve treated kessia. I feel like I completely left her high and dry. I don?t think she realizes how often I wondered how she was doing, or what she was up to. For some reason or another I got it in my mind that it would be better to not call and find out, as if it would be harder on her to actually talk to me. It sounds so stupid and trite of me, but somehow it was logical in my mind last year at school and now I just feel so out of place. I don?t want to feel out of place. I would and will go to the ends of the world her and I?m not so sure she believes that anymore and that kills me inside. I only hope she doesn?t feel like I failed her.
with that somber sentiment?
May God bless your heart tomorrow,
~paul