PaulPrins.net

Inside everyone there is something that they don?t want others to know. They try to cover it up and hide it from those around them. There is something about them that if those people around them knew, those people closest to them would leave. So masks and facades are dawned to keep them from seeing into who I, and you, are. I hated who I was, I could have cared less about everything that happened around me. It was an art, to pretend that I was happy and that I cared about those around me when I truly wasn?t. At times it was only that game that kept me going through life.

As I reflect back upon my life it?s easy to see that I was depressed. There was a rut that I was stuck in, looking for satisfaction and fulfillment from the things of this world. So many times I would look to buying toys and gadgets to bring me joy, to make what I was doing in life seem worthwhile. Women were a tremendous comfort, to be able to have the impression that they were, somewhat, dependant upon me. In each relationship I felt needed and cared for. Then there was work, starting a production company at the age of sixteen in order to gain approval from my father and the world. Thinking that through financial success I would attain fulfillment.

Everything I did would work for a while. The toys would keep me entertained for a couple days, my girlfriends would give me a sense of purpose, and work would keep me striving for more. The only probably was that the more I was striving for wasn?t filling the void in my life. Eventually I was driven to the edge, attempting to slit my wrists one night in my room. That forced me to think through why I felt like such shit. I changed my life in effort to cure myself from the problems around me.

I turned my life around, leaving what I had known behind and starting off anew. This is when I started the production company, when I got a whole new group of friends, I met/dated/left several new girls, and left my old hobbies. I used to find such pleasure in playing the violin, in reading, in golf and now I was spending the majority of my time skiing and getting involved in art. I fell in love with photography and sculpture. My life had turned around and I had left that past life behind me. Turned my back upon a past I was in all too much of a hurry to bury and forget.

There were things brewing in my life that I couldn?t see. The masks I had dawned and the facades I had erected were not a fix. On May 20th two years later (junior year) the threads of my life untangled. Only problem was that I was more planned out this time. Realizing that I couldn?t do anything to my body I would put myself into a situation that I couldn?t escape. I was going to drive into the Minnesota River and wait inside the car till I drowned. As I was driving over to the river I happened to pass by my church, remembered Carissa, how she had asked me to come to youth group once, and how I agreed. This plan of mine was only to hurt myself, I decided to go so that she could feel as though I didn?t brush her off, or that she didn?t have to do more to get me to come because I knew it was important to her.

Very few things are as clear in my memory as watching rob running through the rain from his car into the church as I sat crying in mine. As the slow walk I took to the door, hoping the sopping rain would hide the tears on my face. Allowing me to dawn my mask once again. I remember sitting in the basement youth room feeling so removed from everything happening around me. At the same time, feeling this comfort and peace that I couldn?t ever remember feeling before. Remembering that the bible talked about God?s love and how He loved me no matter how screwed and sinful up I was. I asked God to accept me and that I would accept Him. The feeling of comfort grew till the point where I was smiling and it was genuine.

I recall the look upon my moms face as she scolded me for being gone for seven hours for a thirty-minute trip to the store. More vividly, the confused look on her face as I couldn?t get the smile off mine. In the two years that have followed things have changed. The satisfaction I spent so much of my time seeking is now here, and it isn?t in a need for toys or girlfriends or work. My comfort comes from something greater then I can explain. The depression that nearly took my life twice is all but gone along with the masks I once wore.

The masks that I used to wear to cover the brokenness and insecurities I held are gone. With the help of the Lord, who supplied the tools and strength, along with my time and work they have been removed and don?t need to be worn again. My identity is so secure in the Lord that I can wear everything I am on my sleeve. Everyday I learn more about my walk in faith, seeing more into the One who saved me from the darkness which veiled my eyes for to long.

?I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made?? ? Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

Another week done, I?ve lost count of the days here. I spent a lot of time on the phone the last day or so. Called and talked to Mom and Kyle before they left for Mexico with the church on their mission trip (building three houses, pretty sweet), talked to Ryan for a while on Friday and then the best of all happened last night. Called up Kessia during her graduation open house and surprised her. I don?t think she thought I knew when her party was, let alone that I would do anything since I was in France at the time. She was kind of taken back when I said Bonjour the first time. It was nice to be able to do that for her, that girl deserves the best there is. I?m hoping that the rest of her party went well and that we?ll be able to talk sometime this week. There?s a lot I want to hear about and a lot I?m sure she wants to know about Toulouse and our ministry here.

Speaking of the topic of Toulouse, it?s been raining off and on. Last night we went out for Sarah VDL?s birthday and it was pouring rain for half the walk to Caf? de Sacha. The night was a blast, Sarah had a really good time, got a cake with a roman candle type firework lit on it (most amusing cake ever), and just was good after a long day. I might post some photos from that night in the random team photos later. On Thursday I did put up a photo of everyone on the team that kind of describes each of the team members, some better then others, but alas I did it. Took about 40 minutes but it was fun, so that?s ok then. Today has been a fast, slightly hungry but doing alright, and pizza is in about 90 minutes.

Now on to something more spiritual. To be honest this is how this journal is evolving. What is written here represents what I think of and where the path of my life is heading, and it will only become more spiritual. Just in case you were wondering.

I?ve been reading this amazing book (which I?ll talk more about once I finish it next Tuesday) and it?s really been good for me by increasing my understanding and desire for prayer. At the same time it?s really brought up some very good points for me at this time and place of my life. If you look at the previous post there is more about it there, just how my understanding of the spiritual world has increased so much, and I?m being able to see it more and more everyday and in everything. It?s a burden to carry but at the same time such a privilege. I?m working on my testimony at the moment and will post that later on, probably late this week or early next week (as I believe I?m telling it at our Wednesday soir?e and then next week on Wednesday for the team). There are things that I?ve learned about myself that are so inspiring to the work set before me. The work that is for me to discover along the narrow path I am upon leading to the small gate. ?For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many will enter through it? (- Matthew 7:13b)

?Not everyone who says to me, ?Lord, Lord,? will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my father who is in heaven.? ? Matthew 7:21

May your heat be blessed again with the start of tomorrow,
~paul

Well project is just past the half waypoint (was Monday) and I figure it would make sense to fill everyone in on what we are doing here and what we?ve done thus far.

We?re here in France to start a movement of French students reaching out to other French students for Christ. To find the stakes to spread wide the tent of the Lord open wide over this land. ?Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities.? ? Isaiah 54:2-3 (NIV) [Project Vision]

Stakes that we have already received it in the spiritual world because of our prayers and petitions to the lord through his son Jesus and are only waiting for them to become a reality in the material world. ?I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ?Go, throw yourself into the sea,? and does not doubt with his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.? ? Mark 11:23-24 (NIV)

We are here to do evangelism and to reach out to the students whom God has placed on the verge of a relationship with him. We?ve met the first French, young, university students who are Christian? this hadn?t happened in the prior three years of summer project and STINT in Toulouse, France. If they are saved or not is unsure, but they are Christian nonetheless. Our mission statement for the evangelism team is ?Transforming French students hearts and souls by teaching them to seek Christ through prayer and servant hood.? We desire this ministry to flourish and for the demonic and secular influences on this city to disappear and allow the harvest to be brought in. We are simply going out and checking the fields, working the soil, and waiting till we are able to see the white of the harvest to bring it in. ?Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop ? a hundred, sixty, or thirty times what was sown.? ? Matthew 13:8 (NIV)

We?ve been really putting ourselves out there; in the first week we (the team) initiated with 291 people, had conversations with some sort of spiritual content with 94 people, and shared the full gospel with 17 people. We?ve been richly rewarded, and will be further blessed eternally. School is now out of session at most places and we?re having a harder time finding students who fit the profile for this ministry (Young, French, College Students). It?s been even harder to find men to even talk to or grab a meal with.

Our ministry has been so blessed, we are praying to have four solid contacts each to turn over to the STINT team when they arrive again in august after being in the states for a month or so.

In other news, I?ve taken over 1400 photos so far? and finally broke down today and spent 6 euros on cookies?. Most of them are French except that I did find a box of Oreos!! And am pretty excited about that (I think they were imported from Spain).

I hope that you are feeling blessed by the spirit and are embraced within his comfort.

God Bless,
~paul

(To all my now graduated friends, I?m so sorry I can?t make it to your parties. I?ll try to give you all a call and we can grab lunch and catch up on life.)

Another week has past and the soil is getting harder, the top soil has washed away with the storm of our arrival and initial spirits. Satan is luring us from our plan by blinding our eyes to those who desire to be saved by He who sent us.

Never in my life have I experienced such spiritual highs and lows in one week. My quite time has been good, even great at times. I can feel myself growing in understanding and being able to see more of the spiritual world around me and my affect upon that (in either good or bad). Then there is the ministry that we are trying to set into motion in Toulouse, which is where my lows seems to start to come into play.

This is some of the most draining work I?ve ever done in my life. It?s hard to desire to see the hearts of these people when they are all so dark. There is nothing more depressing then walking a street and only seeing a few people with any light in their lives. Talking to the students on campus only to discover time and again that they have been brought up to not even think about religion.

?For when you seek Me with all your heart you will find Me.?

How then are they going to discover the Lord if they spend there time thinking about sex, parties, politics, and money? They never will. The light in this city comes from a select few, for whom I have the deepest respect for, who are involved in different ministries around Toulouse. We went down to one of the parks on Thursday night and did worship and shared with some of the students who were there in our group (a mix of some project and some French students (saved and un-saved)). It was so awesome to be able to visit with saved Christians from Toulouse, to realize that you can be saved in this city and live a life for the Lord. Living a life despite 300 years of government teaching against religion.

I?m pretty much riding this wave of emotion, and probably will until the end of project. It?s nothing that I can do anything about except to put my faith in the Father and will for Him to do work through me in this city. As of now, almost 43 months since Agape France entered Toulouse, not one French student has been saved. There can?t be anything harder then sowing seeds in a country where the thorns run rampant and choke them before they reach full bloom. I only desire for one to reach the sun.

Tired, Sore, and in Love with the Lord,
~paul

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Realizing that I just posted something yesterday and that I am now doing it again but there is a good reason. Last Sunday there is little doubt that I did not enjoy my church experience (whose only highlight was Sarah VLD?s comment ?The only thing cuter than old people is Japanese old people.?), and this week was about as opposite as I think it could get. I loved it. To be able to sing in French (pretty well anyway, still didn?t know all the words on the projector but got most of them!), to listen to four different testimonies and then to be able to witness their full emersion baptisms, just wow. It?s ever a marvel to me, being able to see people grasp and except how broken they are and then to see the spirit working in and through them. It?s the first time I can remember being moved to tears during a Sunday service of any kind. There was also the added bonus of being able to sit next to Missy (STINT) who had been there through a large part of one of the girls walks. Also to be there on this Sunday with the baptismal service, which only happens about once every year and a half, was amazing.

It gives me a lot more courage in the promise that my prayers for this city will be answered. ?Live as a child of God and you will be able to pray and most assuredly be heard as a child? ~ With Christ in the School of Prayer by Andrew Murray.

?how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!? ( Matthew 7:11 NIV)

Talked to my dad last night, it was good, first time in a very long time that he actually said the words ?I love you? to me. I know I used to pass it off as just not his thing but I am his son and he is my dad. That is something that needs to be verbalized and it was, and it was good.

I?ve got quite a few backgrounds that are pretty rad as well that I?ve taken around the city. Not sure if/when I?m going to put some/all of them up here. I?ll probably only put up the scenic ones as I don?t see there being a strong desire for the photo booth background or the one of our team before we left the hotel in St. Paul, MN.

That?s all that I have for now. It?s very hot today and since it?s Sunday I?m in my black pants, and long sleeve shirt with shoes. The walk back from Jean Jaur?s was pretty wicked.

It?s also the 60th anniversary of D-Day today. Bush is at Normandy, there is crazy security at the Place du Capitole as in no cars, about a fifth the people as normal, and near no street vendors (there was one guy selling flowers) that is very unusual for a Sunday. Though the doors to the Capitole were still open so no protests like there were yesterday.

Dans le gr?ce Dieu,
~paul

We?ve made it through the first week of project work. Four days of surveying students and evangelism, a day of hanging out with new friends and meeting new people at the prairie des filtres. I was really glad to see Camille show up and she complimented me on my awesome water balloon tossing skills (Andrea and me tied for second).

In hindsight I see things that we should have done differently, and things that we?ll need to work on more as a team in the future. I also believe that we couldn?t have done much better than we did. For most of the people on the team speaking any amount of French isn?t an option, so for them to be initiating with people is just awesome and a faith step all on it?s own. Though I do believe it is easier to start talking to people here for two reasons. The majority of the French are not saved and are spiritually dead, so (as go-time says) you can?t make them anymore dead then they are, only offer them an opportunity or plant a seed for true life. The second reason is that I will most likely never meet these students again. Possibly when I come back here on project/STINT sometime/s in the next couple years. Though the chance of them remembering me a year later are fairly slim, that is if we didn?t become friends, though I would call up my French friends when I got to town.

Today was interesting, I realize that it?s about 10 AM in the Midwest right now, but my day is over for the most part. Eight of us went over to the City of Space on the skirts of Toulouse, and it was interesting? It was something fun to do for a day, though it hit me again how much faith people have in science, yet they don?t understand having faith in something like religion. I?m not completely sure why I thought of that today, it was really cool being able to walk through replicas of the space station and what not. It probably has to do with how dark this city is, at times I feel people feed off me in conversation, and it is so physically draining. That?s something I?ve never experienced back in the states.

In less dramatic news, I went to monoprix today and hooked up the snack food for my room. Bought some French cookies and I?m pretty excited to try those out later. It will be interesting to see how they compare to the American style of cookies. I will have a report later.

Au revoir,
~paul

There is no way to expressed how blessed our team is, and how blessed I feel to be here. I am the least of those who are on this project and I am in awe of the work that He is doing through us. Today we had our second day of evanglism and it?s amazing how many people want to hear about God and His love. It is something that is never talked about so when we approach people and tell them that we are with a protestant organization and just talk for a while and spiritual conversation comes up. You can almost feel them feeding off of you. They never talk about religion or God here and when they sense that we have knowledge they respond very well to that and ask questions. Ask how they could know God personally, something that they have never been told was a possibility and for the most part leave overwhelmed with a lot to think about.

We also found out today that at the University of Toulouse III - Paul-Sabatier they have a Christian and protestant groups that we are hoping to meet up with while were here to get a better feel for the campus and the current movement. Hopefully we can even team up and supply encouragement and resources for them to push them forward to reach more people.

I am starting to also feel the darkness of this city. One of the STINTers told us about this missionary who spent several years in Africa on the ivory coast and then came to France and called it the darkest spiritual place he had ever been. Though we have been so fortunate since we?ve arrived, meeting Christians (which has NOT happened over the past 2.5 years) and talking to them. Inviting as many people as we can to our picnic on Friday at the Prairie des Filtres next to the Garonne. I just am keeping Stephan and Bakar in my prayers as well as the Paul-Sabatier campus, as we were the first people from Agope France to step foot there. We?re studying Colossians this summer, in addition to this AMAZING book on prayer I?m sure I?m write about later, and I came across this verse that I felt I needed to share with all of you.

?And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains. Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should.? ~ Colossians 4:3-4

I know I just posted Sunday and this seems as though I will be making very regular submissions but I won?t be, this is abnormal and our schedule is still pretty loose as we are just falling into it. I might update the calendar but we are busy from 9 am until around 10pm Monday-Thursday, 9am until 5 pm on Fridays, then on Saturdays we have our day off, and Sunday is church and prep work.

Till next time hold onto God?s never-ending grace,
~paul