PaulPrins.net

My world has been hard to describe lately. I?ve been pulled in so many different directions since I got back from France that it?s just to hard to actually sit down and think through. Now these directions I mentioned are necessarily the obvious, Paul went to get pizza, and then went to play mini-golf. Quite the contrary actually, they are mind games like none other. Trying to figure out what I?m to do now and what it is that?s happening around me.

I?m torn between two worlds right now, the world that we all can see, and the world that I am increasingly seeing more and more of. With the two in a seeming bought for which will be my focus it is hard to be in the middle. I know which I am to take, which I will end with, and which will die away. It?s something that I never dreamt I would be in the middle of. Here I am, sitting and watching my views of everything around me change, loosing interest in things that used to interest me (ie. politics, pop-culture, random information, even history) and taking in so much more on a daily basis then I can explain or transcend to anyone else.

While it may seem like I?m very confused by what I wrote, the weird thing is that I?m not. I?ve never seen things so clearly as I am right now. It?s just the matter of me taking the steps I need to in order to live the life I am destined to. As clich? as it sounds, to accept my fate and realize that I will never be without love, passion and strength. Now to live that instead of knowing that, thinking of the dreams that I?ll loose. That?s what hurts, and I?m sorry.

Caring and Loving through the grace of Christ,
~paul

When I found out that I was to be the new evangelism team leader for Campus Crusade for Christ at UW ? Stout I was pretty excited about it. I also realized that I had some learning to do in order to be ready for this upcoming year. Going to france was key in my growth but this book was one on a list of several that was suggested in relation to the coveted ?E? word, evangelism.

It isn?t what I expected, I was looking for a sort of how too book of sorts. What it did really well was explain its self in a manner that anyone should be able to understand. Drawing tremendous references from the example that Jesus set forth during the three years of evangelism that He and his disciples did in Israel and the surrounding countryside and cities. While this wasn?t a mind blowing revelation from what I had known and assumed of how evangelism was to work and happen, it was comforting.

The book went through several different steps, one per chapter, of how the process works; Selection, Association, Consecration, Impartation, Demonstration, Delegation, Supervision, and Reproduction. Breaking down to it?s essence the concept of body evangelism. Some of the reviews I read said that the book should be called something along the lines of ?Master Plan of Discipleship? and while it would have been a fitting title it wouldn?t transcend the main points of the book. That only those who are strong and found in their faith will see true success in evangelism, that strength comes from following someone who is strong in faith, and when they reach that point they will then be told how to return what they received to others. The natural cycle of evangelism.

All-in-all this was a good book, quick read as well (believe it was about 4 hours for me, if that). Take a moment to sit down and enjoy it, going into it with the proper mindset would be important. Don?t expect a golden key of ministry evangelism, because there isn?t one, rather expect to have a very well thought out and written explanation of the ministry of Jesus Christ.

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As for me, reading this was very encouraging and helpful. I?m going into a leadership position and to be able to read how Christ did evangelism two-thousand years ago and to realize how similar it is to what I have planned, needless to say it was comforting. The way things are planned to work this year at stout is that groups of Christian students find something in common with non-Christians and through that build relationships and trust, allowing them to experience Christ through us. Building a desire and a need for Him in their lives. That and being honest about what were doing, their college students and can handle it.

God bless,
~paul

For not having a job or any real necessary tasks my time is sure disappearing very quickly. The Twin Cities Festival is only a couple days away now (Louis Palau comes into town Thursday this week, pretty crazy that it?s so close). Aside from that coming up I?m wondering where a lot of my time has gone. I?ll admit I picked up playing civilization III again for a couple days and that was a nice break, ate up a good portion of my time though? Saturday I spent a large portion of the day working on a power point presentation for the church service on Sunday. Meet up with Ned for a while and caught up on life and he helped me gain some focus for some design work I have coming by way (midwestskier again? version 5 already).

Sunday was spent giving my first sermon (ok so half a sermon) about evangelism and how it looks overseas in France and here in the states. It went over very well and got some very positive response from a large number of members after the service. Needless to say it was very affirming and encouraging. One can only believe it will be occurring more often in the future. The rest of the day was pretty laid back, was able to meet up with Ms Miller Sunday night for some coffee in uptown, was awesome to talk and just catch up. Bumped into Sarah Van de Loo and Dave when we were leaving, funny stuff. First project team-mate I?ve seen since I got back.

Monday was rather low key again. Slept in a bit, I did something that I can?t remember right now (probably played more civ3?) and then went over to Peter Haas? house for a Substance Church meeting. Was awesome, I bumped into a bunch of Stout Cru guys (Kristi, Kristin, Steph, Jay, and Ben) and it just felt good to finally get plugged in with them. It was fun to get to talk afterwards, although Peter and me got to talking at the end about ?the? church and it was really good to talk to someone like him and find out where he?s coming from.

Today was again, relaxing and low key (although I?m not sure how I continue to have stuff to do). I was able to get out to Menomonie for the first time since this fall, I met up with my English professor to talk about my poetry and writing in general. I got a lot from it, really have started to form a structure to my writing. We also got into talking about religion and evangelism for about half an hour. She was just wondering why I believed what I did, how we did evangelism and the like. It was nice to get away from here and back to Stout (even if I had a long drive home afterwards). They also put a huge metal S on the north side of the clock tower about half way up, I think it?s pretty ugly but alas.

As for tonight, I?m pretty tired so will probably just take it easy and get up early tomorrow to help cook up at my parents church. Incase you were wondering, 30 pens for a dollar at target this week. Amazing deal.

God bless,
~paul

The most humbling part about my faith is the fact that it is so hard to maintain. Yes that right, I struggle with it everyday. It is more then natural to wonder if what I believe is true, if what I am devoting the rest of my life to is the truth, not a partial truth. When in france I used the following example with a group of students? A truth that I believed in was that before they had color tv the world was actually in black and white. For me it was absolute, I was actually looking forward to asking my grandpa what it was like when they invented color? Just because that?s what I believed didn?t make it truth. The real truth is that color has always been real and vibrant. For French students this was hard to accept because their mindset was one of ?whatever works for me is fine and whatever works for you? or that “I believe in a God, just don’t care which one.”

Here is the dilemma, People are completely content to live in their world if it stays their world and no one disturbs it. Even look at most movies, the main premise is that someone disturbs their world, takes it away from what was familiar and comfortable to something they wish against (recently; Bourne Supremacy, I,Robot, Anchorman, King Arthur, Spiderman 2, and some of my favorites like Gladiator and A Beautiful Mind). The main problem with these movies is that rarely will they truly end as life does, as life should. The characters fight so hard to return to what they knew, to what was their life and comfortable. They desire to return to a life unchanged and the same as before whatever incident that had occurred.

What would happen if people would look at their life without some incident occurring, if they could look at their beliefs from the point of view of the truth. I wish that I could have the chance to truly question things without going through what I did (in my testimony) with my depression and suicide attempts before I asked those questions. I know my truth still isn?t perfect, but it?s getting better with every lesson I?m taught. I pray that you will never have to go through the torment I did, that you would simply be able to experence the joy and satisfaction of the understanding I now have.

Take care and may you experience His pleasure,
~paul

It seems like just the other day I was waking up in the foyer and walking down the long halls, looking to the courtyard, on my way to the breakfast of baguette and jam with hot chocolate. That just yesterday I was in Toulouse, France doing work for His kingdom. That it would be realized in more lives, so that they can enter into the Lords arms and hold on to Him. That because of the strength they?ll have in Him they are able to do amazing things, go to places that people can?t fathom and do works others despise. Mostly I remember the feeling that my Father was in control and guiding me, protecting me.

To say that I didn?t know this was going to happen, or that I didn?t pray for it before hand would be far from true. This house, this city, my high school friends all remind me of whom I was. When they look to me I don?t know what it is they see, that?s not for me to know. However, I do know that they don?t see the change that?s taken place because they aren?t to a point where they can, and it kills me. The memories I have here seem to control me, to make me feel unchanged when I know I am. When I?m here, I know what I?m to do but find the simplest excuses not to. Could I wake up tomorrow being who I am without the ghost of who I was. I?m growing to hate this town, but this isn?t something I can hide from. It?s something that needs to be confronted.

For over five weeks we were doing evangelism in Toulouse where I was constantly going out and battling that which I couldn?t see. Starting conversations and making friends, learning cultural norms and brushing up on my French. I remember it so well, the feeling of approval and comfort I felt from Him.

A large part of it has to do with my focus, when I was in Toulouse there was one thing on our minds, to find stakes (Is. 54:2-3) for the movement that is starting in France (I know that through faith in prayer). Now that I?m back what am I do to, my plate seems so full that my focus gets lost or distorted. I know what I need to do to reach each point in order to accomplish all I must and will, just the broad view of it is overwhelming and just to much. Thinking about all of it leaves me in a state of awe as to how it will all ever get done, forgetting that it isn?t me doing the work. Forgetting that I am merely a vessel for His will and pleasure.

So now I?m fasting, there are a few things that fasting does. It brings in focus, increases your need for God, leaves more time, and the underlying reason is so I will feel worthy of what I am to do and who I am. Andrew Murray put it very well in his book ?With Christ in the School of Prayer? when he wrote that ?Prayer is the one hand with which we grasp the invisible. Fasting is the other hand, the one with which we let go of the visible.? I don?t know how long it will last.

For those of you who this doesn?t make sense to, I?m truly sorry and pray that it will make sense.

May you feel His presence and love,
~paul

I’m cleaning up my deviatnart account and came accross this. Wrote it June 21, 2001. That would have been just after my sophomore year of high school. I took it off deviant art but really wanted to save it somewhere, so here it is. I used to be able to write.

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Every day seemed to be the same old daily grind until that one day, the day that my new neighbors moved in. I remember the day so well, I was ten years old and it was a sunny summer day. I ran over to their house to greet them hoping that I would finally have someone my age to play with. The sound of the doorbell was piercing as I pushed the small button in next to the door. Then, to my surprise, when the door opened there was another boy standing there about my age looking eye to eye with me. I proceeded to ask him if he wanted to play and ever since then we have been the best of friends.

It?s been eight years since then, Andrew and I are now seniors in high school. We?ve been by each other?s side since that day I rang his doorbell, through all of the girlfriends and other problems that have come up along the way. This whole time, though, I?ve felt like he has been hiding something from me. Whenever I?ve tried to talk to him about certain subjects he seems to withdraw from me. For example there was this one time when we were over at Kara?s house sitting outside under a starlit night around the bonfire just talking about anything and everything.

?Andrew what?s the craziest thing you?ve ever done?? we had already gone around everyone else in the group and Andrew was the last to be asked.

There was a silence from Andrew as he thought about what to say, ?It would have to be that time last summer when Paul and I were out at two in the morning and decided to have a swimming contest across the lake.? Everyone laughed and sat back reminiscing. I looked over to Andrew trying to remember the look on his face when I beat him to the other side of the lake but he looked different. He had this pre-occupied look upon his face and when he noticed me looking over at him he stood up and walked over to get something from the cooler.

At the time I just seemed to brush it off as Andrew thinking through some of the troubles he had been having at school and we spent the rest of the night talking away while looking between the bonfire, my friends and the stars. Right before we all left, Andrew said one more thing to us; I remember Andrew was able to come up with very deep comments that you just couldn?t forget at the perfect times. ?When we go on next year always remember where you came from. Just look up to the sky and forget your surroundings and you?ll be right back here with the rest of us.?

That night was one of the most relaxing of this year that I can remember. While we were all there nothing seemed to matter. The world couldn?t touch us and the peace we felt was amazing, I hope that Andrew is feeling that now. I know that every time I look up to the night sky I will think of him and his simple message. This is about the time when Andrew would put in one of those deep thoughts, I?m not as good at them as he was but I thought one up ahead of time.

?Never overlook anything that you find unusual. Ask questions and find out what?s wrong. It will only be a few minutes of your life but could add years to theirs.? With that I stepped down from the pulpit and returned to my seat, holding back the tears that I should be letting out. From this day on I will never forget the lessons that Andrew has taught me. I wasn?t crying tears of sorrow but tears of happiness for the time I was able to know him and for all he was able to teach me about life. I only wish he could have taught me more.

What is it I?m musing after? Is it a thought, or a desire to have someone to be my muse. The lack of an earthly inspiration is trying, but nothing new and defiantly not something for me to spend my time writing about. Rather my thoughts and mental quarantines and inspections are about a few things.

1) Evangelism team at stout is going really well. I know that we?ve yet to get back to school or even have our planning weekends but the thoughts have been compiled. The philosophy and direction are down on paper. I might add a bit more and have yet to revise but it?s essence is denoted in a mere six pages. Needless to say I?m pretty excited about it and think that it should help people to understand where I?m taking the team in the upcoming semesters, hopefully will ease some minds and concerns as to if I know or understand what I?m doing. There is defiantly more that will be written in the one that will be delivered to the people on Servant and Shepard team but the essence has transcended thought to print. Very excited about that.

2) For those of you who don?t know I?ve been in Seattle for the last several days. I?ve loved getting out here and just relaxing. Part of me thinks that Ryan believes I need to be doing something all the time, or going out and doing stuff all the time. Not so much. This is the first time I?ve been able to truly relax and not worry about anything (ok that?s a lie, I did work on E-team stuff and will work on stuff for my church presentation on the flight home). Being able to just sit around, or walk around town and not feel the impending effects of my actions. It truly feels as though time has stopped for what I need to get done because I had been planning on coming out here for so long. In other news, we?ve yet to talk about France and are going to tomorrow. Hopefully in the afternoon so that he?ll have some time to digest it all and ask questions. That?s the game plan anyway, it?s a lot to take in.

3) Church, wow this is just weird, almost surreal. I realized that in the past five Sundays (including tomorrow) that I will have been at five different churches, in four different cities, of four different denominations, in three different time zones, two languages, two countries all for one God. It?s pretty awesome if you ask me. If you make it eight weeks then it goes up to six churches, but I think the five in five sounds better. The five are Eglise Evanglique-Free, Eglise la Chapel, American Church of Paris, Eden Prairie Presbyterian, and tomorrow will be the University Presbyterian Church here in Seattle (the other church was Saint Sernien my first week in Toulouse).

4) I?m speaking in church in a week, pretty excited about it. Will be a good chance for me to let everyone know how the trip went at once and hopefully be able to instill in them a part of my passion for the world. As my project director this summer said ?If we aren?t sending people to the world why are we doing it at all [in regards to campus ministry]? and the same can be said for our church congregation. I?m sure that the spiritually strong of our church could leave and expand the kingdom if we aren?t going, if we aren?t raising them up to go. Then we should just go ourselves and at least make a difference that way.

5) In other news: I walk the streets of my life in hopeful anticipation for the day she?ll know to turn around and say hello. The words of the world slip off my heart and fail to explain this notion I feel at the thought of your face burns at hands to far to reach you. Only if you knew to turn, only if you were near enough to be seen, only if I hadn?t said nothing.

At this point Paul has exhausted his musing, anything left to write about isn?t important enough for me to spend my time or yours writing about.

Take care and God bless,
~paul