PaulPrins.net

So here is for an un-necessary number of posts in a short period of time. I might have done more then this in the past but alas, here is another one. I?m over whatever funk I was in last night. Truth is that I?m just tired of being here and feeling alone and isolated. I know to an extent that is always going to be there because I don?t share a spiritual connection with people from around here. It makes it hard but truth is that they are the exact same as people at stout, and I?ve been living so much in the future that the now has been passing me by.

In all honesty I feel as though I?m constantly pressed up to a mold I doubt I will ever fill. I get notes and comments from people I look up to, in regards to discipleship, ?I understand that those last tasks are next to impossible for a man of your stature who has already surpassed most of us in spiritual maturity! And since that may or may not be able to happen?? It?s honestly frustrating to hear, because of those around me don?t feel like they can teach me than who can. I learn bits and pieces from people here and there (sometimes the most unlikely people are used by the Lord to show me something, so got to stay on my toes). Sometimes it just takes getting it out of your system and someone to have the guts to put you in your place. It?s time for me to step back up to the plate and into His presence for the tasks set before me.

One thing that has struck me is that it?s never about when I?m ready, I wasn?t ready to go to France, I wasn?t ready to give a sermon at church, I?m not ready to lead the evangelism team, and I?m not ready to be put in the position I?m in with Cru this fall. The only catch is that He is ready for me and to work through me, thus if I rest in Him I am ready. It?s one of the weirdest things that I know intellectually but yet fail to remember when things come up. I tense up with my insides flapping in the quietest breeze, but when I am obedient and trust in the Spirit and Christ that flapping becomes a simply eloquent sound lifted up to Heaven for His praise. It?s not the end of the world that I feel distant, I?ve found my outlet in different books I?m able to read from and the bible will forever teach me, and warn me of what is coming in my spiritual life. In time Christ will set someone into my life whom will be there as well (very much looking forward to this).

It?s just important for me to spend the time I need to reflecting and re-centering myself in Christ. That I don?t treat the Father how I do my earthly dad, and let that relationship get between Him and me. My Father deserves everything He knows I can be.

In other news, I bought some books last night, they should show up next week and it will be very convenient as I am about to finish my current book. Bought five this time around
- Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray
- The Ministry of Intercessory Prayer by Andrew Murray
- Humility by Andrew Murray
- Evangelism In The Early Church by Michael Green
- The Celtic Way of Evangelism by George G. Hunter

All in all the books should be really good, I love Andrew Murray?s style of devotional learning. Read a book of his over project in France and loved it so much I?m getting three more? The evangelism books should be really good as well; the one about the early church is exactly what the title implies. Examples from the early church and how it was set up and worked, just a bunch of stuff I hopefully can apply into our campus strategy. Also the Celtic Way is about how St. Patrick was able to reach the people of Ireland, a completely un-reached people group at the time and make Christianity tangible, real, and desirable in the lives of the people.

Till next time. Take care and God bless,
~paul

Well I figured it out; I know what I was so frustrated with in the last post. It?s being here, I?m tired of being here at home. Part of it is that they can?t see past who I was to who I?ve become after a year, they still look at me like I was. To be honest, as much as I liked who I was in high school I like who I am now so much more. I miss being around people who see that, who see it and don?t need to say anything about it. Basically I?m just worn of people looking at me like I?m no different then before, or treating me indifferently.

I?m just feel more and more like I don?t fit in here, that those around me are just there and don?t understand what it is I?m going through. That they see it as what is to be expected and miss the barriers that I am working so hard to break through. The fact that they don?t understand what took place in France, or what that work is even like. How I?m looking forward to be with people who can talk candidly about our summers. People who understand evangelism because they?ve done it, not because they?ve heard someone else talk about it.

It is tiring to live here, to spend my time reading because it?s the only way I can meet with someone who understands. That so much of the world around me seems to engulf those around me. My dad who can?t see past who he?s become to who he is destined to be and has grown so hard to the world. Friends who look at me with blank stares unsure of what to think or believe. My Christian friends who don?t understand the need for evangelism, or even what it is and how it works. Friends of mine who look at what I?m doing and don?t take the time to understand or ask questions. It?s frustrating to know what I do, to not be able to share it with anyone. Makes be question what I?m doing next summer, though through prayer and fasting this city and me will be ready.

Take care and God bless,
~paul

So I?m feeling as though I need to write something, although what I?m not sure. My world is going past so quickly, everything around me just seems to blur into something that I would rather not take the time to discern. I?m so anxious to get into what it is this summer has been preparing me for that I miss what the rest of this summer could be. To be honest I?m in quite a hard spot because of the position I am in. The sermon yesterday that Jennifer gave hit home, she mentioned that those with more gifts have a heavier responsibility for His kingdom. To be honest that isn?t want I needed to hear, my devotional time lately has not been what I?ve wanted to read. Time and again I read about the fact that there are high expectations and that it will be forged onward alone. Here?s to having something to write about.

No longer do I fit in here, in this city, in this house. There are few people here who understand what they need to, and I?m not yet in a place to assume my roll. I?m sick of being around people who condemn my understanding of scripture and spirit filled life as arrogance. Mostly I?m just tired of people not understanding what it is I?m doing, people telling me how great an experience it was to go to France. They couldn?t be further off as they talk to me with glazed eyes and demons blinding their eyes and convincing them of lies so blatant they must be true. If it were an experience it would be done, I?m far from it. My next years are going to be preparing others to go, to raise up His laborers and move them to that part of the vineyard. It?s far from over, my prayers continue, I am still there, you only see me here because you don?t know how else to look at me.

You are stuck looking at how I?ve ?changed.? The tan I have, the bag I carry, the worn feet from countless miles walked on cobblestone roads and maybe even the words I say (the slight French I still speak). The things that are actually different you miss, you don?t take time to see because your eyes are closed, or even worse, have never even been opened. Things I don?t speak of are foolishness to you upon my tongue, forcing words to retreat to whence they came. I?m tired of people who don?t admit their un-satisfaction, spending time seeking it where there is only despair.

I have nothing else to write.

Take care and God bless,
~paul