Archive for October, 2004

Poetry: From France 2/3

Friday, October 29th, 2004

“Warmed by Truth”
The fate of the world
slowly turns while tilting
closer to ultimate misfortune
into darkness
setting on the hearts
of a cold lost people
desiring to love
unable to feel

  complete

living around a world
whose passions aren’t pure
tainted over time
through eyes un-opened
hearts scared to try
minds scared to believe
set upon hollow hope
never will

  satisfy

the message has come
meeting people with frozen hearts
warmed by the hearth of truth
slowly warmth of love
bring strength
that causes them to know
the one who sent

  his message

6/13/04 / toulouse, france


“Into the Night”
slowly, softly the sunlight sets
into twilight stretching thin
as hours of anticipation
leave minutes of serenity
with lights gently glistening
across the Garonne

clouds so sparse, dotted, thin
barley noticeable, gentle wind
distant roar of water falling
stars slowly trace the sky
moments of worry pass away

time should wait, moment long
wait until my soul rest
days gone wry seagulls fly

  into the night

that forgot to delay

6/14/04 / toulouse, france


“Occitania”
broken children stumble drunk,
loosing step while river runs
spiritually deserted, dark souls
admire past accomplishments
their beautiful city
masking ugly lost lives
still children stumble drunk
not knowing their father
whose tears flow down
raining upon this town
they don umbrellas
avoiding living water
extinguishing lights, living blind
in darkness

6/22/04 / toulouse, france

Poetry: From France 1/3

Wednesday, October 27th, 2004

?Why am I Here?

quietly approaching through
the wondering of a lost soul,
the alleys and valleys of a dry heart,
is a love not yet accepted
not yet ignored

for when will the door open
only a sliver to allow light,
only a second for eternity,
to reveal the grace of love

grace of God

overwhelm the body to its knees
crying out pain of lives impure
crying out praises to the lord
desiring to know more of his forgiveness

of his grace

so we beg to serve him today
praying that they will be useful
praying to repay a priceless gift
that has already been paid in full

been given

for when will their guidance arrive
reveal and show the door

let me know
to supply encouragement and love
until wide swing the arms of beauty
arms of love
5/30/04 / toulouse, france

?Creeps Ever Closer?
torn, tattered I?m left alone
sitting while wondering
thoughts turn cold
the world darkens

feeling flutters helplessly
as it topples
slowly yet confidently
till there?s nothing
left in me.

darkness creeps ever closer
my heat evades it?s encroach
cooling body to mind
then it all stops
Suddenly,
without prompting
life stands still?

nature halts for this
hands caressing mid-flight rain
as the lord gently
calms, caresses, cares
for his son living his will
best he can
in a dark world.

6/13/04 / toulouse, france


?Slowly Falling Away?
sinking quietly away
through sands unseen
to anyone but me
this life I live day by day
takes everything to stay
till it will topple over

suffocating, up to down.

mixed with confusion and pain
turn to the open embrace
the one whose never left
a father in heaven who reigns
forever, perfectly loving his child
who?ll always fall short

his love and glory

his gift of grace to much
to accept or understand
till memories of him
flood my heart once again.

6/13/04 / toulouse, france

Life Shift

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004

I?m not sure how in depth I ever should get in here. What to write about and what to avoid, who all I could bring into this open forum that is the internet just because God placed them into my life. I tend to avoid using names a lot of the time, or certain subjects all together because it can get hard to work around being specific.

I?m starting to realize one of my biggest character flaws. I tend to think I understand a portion of what God is showing me and then, because of that small part, think I know a larger part. There is a fair amount of time spent rationalizing my life out so that I understand what is going on around me, it?s one of my ineffective coping skills left over from my depression a couple years ago. What can happen normally isn?t that big of a deal but sometimes I get really strong headed with it. Then it becomes a matter of realizing it, and working through what is left so that I can move forward. More importantly is so that they (anyone else involved) can move forward.

My feelings and thoughts have shifted as I?ve gotten closer (eh, might have even been further). I?m just having a hard time knowing how to move on without moving past. I?m having a hard time knowing how to be a servant while still doing what I fell led to do. My heart feels in the right place because of the peace the Lord has bestowed upon me. I guess I?m only scared with how fast everything is moving within myself. The question is that if you always felt like it was meant to be someone, when should you let her know…

In other news: Fall Retreat was amazing, loved just having time to really connect with a bunch of the new students as well as some of those who had been around for a while before. Got to lay the smack down in football a couple times on this big 300-pound guy, Eric busted up his collarbone very impressively. We ended up have 114 students from Stout in attendance with 30 of them being freshmen (+ several other new students). Also for the first time the retreat didn?t feel any different spiritually!!! AHHHHH so darn exciting!

In even more other news:
I have been asked to apply for an RA position up in Wigen Hall for the 1st floor. It?s really an answer to prayer and I am turning my application in 5 minutes from now. Be praying for a smooth transition and for the Lord to present openings for His gospel in that building with the students and staff.

Seeking the Face of Christ like there?s nothing else…
cause there isn?t!
~paul

a New Presepective?

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004

thundering drops participate
through golden gutters showing
me the light of life within you
God?s grace moving through
spinning a mind into amazement
simple? astonishment
my heart praises God
for seeing parts of Him
in you

I couldn?t believe what I saw the first time I looked your way. There was so much moving in your life and God was blessing you so much, I had no idea. The spark of life God instilled in you was on the verge of igniting everything it touched. There?s this zeal for Christ that had me so convicted in my own walk with Him. So often I tend to overlook the nuances of life that are so rich with the glory of God here on earth. The way the peddles of a flower roll over exposing such vibrant color and softness. How someone acts when they think no-one else is watching, the gentleness of their affection for someone in need. My heart pains to see it again.

Je vois le beaut?
dedans vous,
bien que vous pas,
et ne pouvez pas aider
mais sourire quand je le vois.

I see the beauty
inside you,
even though you don?t,
and I can?t help
but smile when I see it.

This past week has been really hard on me, at times loosing the biggest gift in my life. Loosing the ability to see Christ in everyone I meet and see. I remember walking the paths of this campus grinning from ear to ear because Christ was so present here. It?s not that He has left, it?s only that my eyes aren?t looking as they used to. My prayer is that they will again see the world as it is meant to be, pure and hopeful (titus 1:15-16).

Seeking the eyes of Christ,
~paul

The Lessons of Last Weekend

Monday, October 18th, 2004

Being alone sucks. It truly does, while my ideal place of relaxation is alone I still love having people around… I need to have people around me. Friday night had to be one of the worst nights I?ve had in recent memory. Everyone I knew was either out drinking or gone for the weekend. For the first time in a very long time I was overcome with emotion to the point where I was crying, I couldn?t stop, and it wasn?t for me. It didn?t even matter what I was looking at or thinking about, my heart kept feeling heavier and heavier and I was so worn out. I was up till past 5 am… I?m sick of feeling like that.

I guess I should get to the point of this post. The weekend helped me realize what I had to. I used to say that I could see people how God did, and I had no choice but to smile when I looked at someone, anyone because inside of everyone there was something that was so pure and awe-inspiring it caused me to grin. To be able to see something like that in someone was an amazing blessing and helped me love so many people. Over the past week or so that slowly drifted from me, I could feel my heart hardening to those around me. I was pushing them away when more then anything I was going to need them close to me, soon. I remember sitting around this weekend wondering where everyone was and at the same time refusing to see the people waiting to be there for me. Bottling up so much inside that I felt like no-one else could understand, because I didn?t even give them the chance.

When my heart was burdened on Friday night (well really early Saturday morning) I knew something serious was up. That?s why I went for my 2 am walk, prayed till I could barely even sit upright. Finally on Sunday I talked to someone (em you?re amazing!) and realized what was going on. Just having someone to talk to, to help me discern what I was going through, and pray for me. Thank you all of you who prayed for me. So what did I realize?

The weight on my heart wasn?t weight at all, it was God helping me back up to where I was meant to be. It was my changed attitude that was becoming so cynical towards others and myself that needed only to be addressed so that I could return to seeing the sparkle of God in those around me. I failed hardcore last weekend, but I know that tomorrow is another day just as today was. I knew there had to have been a reason I was studying grace, I need so much of it right now.

Praying to be broken before His throne,
~paul

Study: Receiving Grace

Saturday, October 16th, 2004

Grace, in greek is Charis.

There are staples in the Christian faith that everyone just assumes you live. Maybe assuming is a strong word. My point is that it was something I never understood growing up. How could someone live by grace as the bible calls us to.

?I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God?s grace given me through the working of his power.? ~Ephesians 3:7
That it?s solely by the grace of God that we are able to become his servants. When we submit ourselves to the work of this gospel God will pour upon us the power and strength we seek from Him to endure through the tasks he puts before us. That without that grace, we would simply fall flat on our faces.

?Are you foolish? After beginning with the spirit are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?? ~Galatians 3:3
We won?t be able to anything with the gospel if we try to go it alone, without Christ. That even starting something with God doesn?t mean it will become fruitful and complete, we must seek Him throughout the entire process. What does this have to do with receiving grace?

For us to be able to even start something for Christ, be it a change in ourselves or reaching out to the world, we must accept that there is nothing we can do to get there. No matter what skills and gifts you have, the only ones that will get you near and across the finish line come from God himself. You must ask for what you need in order to receive it, you must ask for grace to receive it.

?For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!? ~Romans 6:14
Our lives prior to accepting Christ were enslaved to sin and the pleasures associated with it. Living to quench the hunger that brought temporary satisfaction. When we accept the payment Jesus made for our sins he effectually bought us and became our new master. So that we are no longer bound by sin rather by our obedience and love of the Father whom paid for our death.

?With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.? ~2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
That he ?may be? glorified. We are but slaves to our master, we are his representation here on earth and we ought live our lives so that our Father will be glorified through us. That in Christ we will be glorified, just as he is through us. That we are to accept the grace of God and Jesus into who we are, and realize that we are also in God.

There is a calling for each of us, something set aside for us to do in our lifetime. His calling is for us to become like Christ by grace. That we would receive grace in us, and in him. That our solitude would be firm in him and the things which we need we would ask for in faith and believe that we have received that which we need for the tasks at hand.

Practically:
There is nothing we can do to earn grace aside from accepting it. In living a life for the Lord we must accept that which he has freely given us, his never-ending grace. We must find ourselves living because of grace rather then for or in spite of grace, something we could never earn.

Questions:
-What of your life enslaved to sin are you still hanging on to? Why haven?t you let go yet?
-What in your life are you scared you won?t succeed in? What parts of that have you not lifted completely to the Lord?
-We?re called to be like Christ, what attribute of Jesus do you desire the most? How would attaining that affect your life?

Seek the face of Christ,
~paul

Corner Basement Room

Saturday, October 16th, 2004

Can you see them swooping from the heavens, swords in hands saving the world. As I peer from the window I see the battle blazing as my heart ceases to flutter. Before my eyes lay affects of the night before, scared huddled in a corner. Praying to not be alone, praying that righteousness could be restored. Swirled around in the wind were the sounds and screams of those not realizing their mouths were open. The dimming lights and shattered character of hearts hopelessly calling to nothing. Calls that were answered. As I curled up scared, gravity pulling water from my eyes till they too were dry.

From the corner basement room I would sneak a peak through the window with disbelieving eyes. I let out noises that I didn?t even know I held praying that He would hear me and come by my side. My heart became so heavy… it hurts to move because of what I see. I?m scared to go outside for there is to much (or is it not enough). It mine as well be calling to me, this morning light which shown with my first glances on the world. My heart still heavy and hurting, as I see here watching them swooping and rushing, swords in hand while people walk past unsuspecting. I used to cry when I saw this, saw them fighting, but now I simply pray that He shall be triumphant. As they walk past ignorant to that which is going on around them.

The light is gone again… In time I shall return

——————————————————————-

Alright, I?m sick of sitting on what I see and know, not using the gifts given to me. My heart is too heavy to say nothing. Father let me live because of your unfailing grace.

Pressing onward, because I can’t look back.
~paul