Paul Prins

Warmed by Truth
The fate of the world
slowly turns while tilting
closer to ultimate misfortune
into darkness
setting on the hearts
of a cold lost people
desiring to love
unable to feel

living around a world
whose passions aren’t pure
tainted over time
through eyes un-opened
hearts scared to try
minds scared to believe
set upon hollow hope
never will

the message has come
meeting people with frozen hearts
warmed by the hearth of truth
slowly warmth of love
bring strength
that causes them to know
the one who sent

6/13/04 / toulouse, france

Into the Night
slowly, softly the sunlight sets
into twilight stretching thin
as hours of anticipation
leave minutes of serenity
with lights gently glistening
across the Garonne

clouds so sparse, dotted, thin
barley noticeable, gentle wind
distant roar of water falling
stars slowly trace the sky
moments of worry pass away

time should wait, moment long
wait until my soul rest
days gone wry seagulls fly

that forgot to delay

6/14/04 / toulouse, france

Occitania
broken children stumble drunk,
loosing step while river runs
spiritually deserted, dark souls
admire past accomplishments
their beautiful city
masking ugly lost lives
still children stumble drunk
not knowing their father
whose tears flow down
raining upon this town
they don umbrellas
avoiding living water
extinguishing lights, living blind
in darkness

6/22/04 / toulouse, france

Why am I Here

Creeps Ever Closer
torn, tattered I’m left alone
sitting while wondering
thoughts turn cold
the world darkens

feeling flutters helplessly
as it topples
slowly yet confidently
till there’s nothing
left in me.

darkness creeps ever closer
my heat evades it’s encroach
cooling body to mind
then it all stops
Suddenly,
without prompting
life stands still?

nature halts for this
hands caressing mid-flight rain
as the lord gently
calms, caresses, cares
for his son living his will
best he can
in a dark world.

6/13/04 / toulouse, france

Slowly Falling Away
sinking quietly away
through sands unseen
to anyone but me
this life I live day by day
takes everything to stay
till it will topple over

mixed with confusion and pain
turn to the open embrace
the one whose never left
a father in heaven who reigns
forever, perfectly loving his child
who’ll always fall short

his gift of grace to much
to accept or understand
till memories of him
flood my heart once again.

6/13/04 / toulouse, france

I?m not sure how in depth I ever should get in here. What to write about and what to avoid, who all I could bring into this open forum that is the internet just because God placed them into my life. I tend to avoid using names a lot of the time, or certain subjects all together because it can get hard to work around being specific.

I?m starting to realize one of my biggest character flaws. I tend to think I understand a portion of what God is showing me and then, because of that small part, think I know a larger part. There is a fair amount of time spent rationalizing my life out so that I understand what is going on around me, it?s one of my ineffective coping skills left over from my depression a couple years ago. What can happen normally isn?t that big of a deal but sometimes I get really strong headed with it. Then it becomes a matter of realizing it, and working through what is left so that I can move forward. More importantly is so that they (anyone else involved) can move forward.

My feelings and thoughts have shifted as I?ve gotten closer (eh, might have even been further). I?m just having a hard time knowing how to move on without moving past. I?m having a hard time knowing how to be a servant while still doing what I fell led to do. My heart feels in the right place because of the peace the Lord has bestowed upon me. I guess I?m only scared with how fast everything is moving within myself. The question is that if you always felt like it was meant to be someone, when should you let her know…

In other news: Fall Retreat was amazing, loved just having time to really connect with a bunch of the new students as well as some of those who had been around for a while before. Got to lay the smack down in football a couple times on this big 300-pound guy, Eric busted up his collarbone very impressively. We ended up have 114 students from Stout in attendance with 30 of them being freshmen (+ several other new students). Also for the first time the retreat didn?t feel any different spiritually!!! AHHHHH so darn exciting!

In even more other news:
I have been asked to apply for an RA position up in Wigen Hall for the 1st floor. It?s really an answer to prayer and I am turning my application in 5 minutes from now. Be praying for a smooth transition and for the Lord to present openings for His gospel in that building with the students and staff.

Seeking the Face of Christ like there?s nothing else…
cause there isn?t!
~paul

thundering drops participate
through golden gutters showing
me the light of life within you
God?s grace moving through
spinning a mind into amazement
simple? astonishment
my heart praises God
for seeing parts of Him
in you

I couldn?t believe what I saw the first time I looked your way. There was so much moving in your life and God was blessing you so much, I had no idea. The spark of life God instilled in you was on the verge of igniting everything it touched. There?s this zeal for Christ that had me so convicted in my own walk with Him. So often I tend to overlook the nuances of life that are so rich with the glory of God here on earth. The way the peddles of a flower roll over exposing such vibrant color and softness. How someone acts when they think no-one else is watching, the gentleness of their affection for someone in need. My heart pains to see it again.

Je vois le beaut?
dedans vous,
bien que vous pas,
et ne pouvez pas aider
mais sourire quand je le vois.

I see the beauty
inside you,
even though you don?t,
and I can?t help
but smile when I see it.

This past week has been really hard on me, at times loosing the biggest gift in my life. Loosing the ability to see Christ in everyone I meet and see. I remember walking the paths of this campus grinning from ear to ear because Christ was so present here. It?s not that He has left, it?s only that my eyes aren?t looking as they used to. My prayer is that they will again see the world as it is meant to be, pure and hopeful (titus 1:15-16).

Seeking the eyes of Christ,
~paul

Being alone sucks. It truly does, while my ideal place of relaxation is alone I still love having people around… I need to have people around me. Friday night had to be one of the worst nights I?ve had in recent memory. Everyone I knew was either out drinking or gone for the weekend. For the first time in a very long time I was overcome with emotion to the point where I was crying, I couldn?t stop, and it wasn?t for me. It didn?t even matter what I was looking at or thinking about, my heart kept feeling heavier and heavier and I was so worn out. I was up till past 5 am… I?m sick of feeling like that.

I guess I should get to the point of this post. The weekend helped me realize what I had to. I used to say that I could see people how God did, and I had no choice but to smile when I looked at someone, anyone because inside of everyone there was something that was so pure and awe-inspiring it caused me to grin. To be able to see something like that in someone was an amazing blessing and helped me love so many people. Over the past week or so that slowly drifted from me, I could feel my heart hardening to those around me. I was pushing them away when more then anything I was going to need them close to me, soon. I remember sitting around this weekend wondering where everyone was and at the same time refusing to see the people waiting to be there for me. Bottling up so much inside that I felt like no-one else could understand, because I didn?t even give them the chance.

When my heart was burdened on Friday night (well really early Saturday morning) I knew something serious was up. That?s why I went for my 2 am walk, prayed till I could barely even sit upright. Finally on Sunday I talked to someone (em you?re amazing!) and realized what was going on. Just having someone to talk to, to help me discern what I was going through, and pray for me. Thank you all of you who prayed for me. So what did I realize?

The weight on my heart wasn?t weight at all, it was God helping me back up to where I was meant to be. It was my changed attitude that was becoming so cynical towards others and myself that needed only to be addressed so that I could return to seeing the sparkle of God in those around me. I failed hardcore last weekend, but I know that tomorrow is another day just as today was. I knew there had to have been a reason I was studying grace, I need so much of it right now.

Praying to be broken before His throne,
~paul

Grace, in greek is Charis.

There are staples in the Christian faith that everyone just assumes you live. Maybe assuming is a strong word. My point is that it was something I never understood growing up. How could someone live by grace as the bible calls us to.

?I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God?s grace given me through the working of his power.? ~Ephesians 3:7
That it?s solely by the grace of God that we are able to become his servants. When we submit ourselves to the work of this gospel God will pour upon us the power and strength we seek from Him to endure through the tasks he puts before us. That without that grace, we would simply fall flat on our faces.

?Are you foolish? After beginning with the spirit are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?? ~Galatians 3:3
We won?t be able to anything with the gospel if we try to go it alone, without Christ. That even starting something with God doesn?t mean it will become fruitful and complete, we must seek Him throughout the entire process. What does this have to do with receiving grace?

For us to be able to even start something for Christ, be it a change in ourselves or reaching out to the world, we must accept that there is nothing we can do to get there. No matter what skills and gifts you have, the only ones that will get you near and across the finish line come from God himself. You must ask for what you need in order to receive it, you must ask for grace to receive it.

?For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!? ~Romans 6:14
Our lives prior to accepting Christ were enslaved to sin and the pleasures associated with it. Living to quench the hunger that brought temporary satisfaction. When we accept the payment Jesus made for our sins he effectually bought us and became our new master. So that we are no longer bound by sin rather by our obedience and love of the Father whom paid for our death.

?With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.? ~2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
That he ?may be? glorified. We are but slaves to our master, we are his representation here on earth and we ought live our lives so that our Father will be glorified through us. That in Christ we will be glorified, just as he is through us. That we are to accept the grace of God and Jesus into who we are, and realize that we are also in God.

There is a calling for each of us, something set aside for us to do in our lifetime. His calling is for us to become like Christ by grace. That we would receive grace in us, and in him. That our solitude would be firm in him and the things which we need we would ask for in faith and believe that we have received that which we need for the tasks at hand.

Practically:
There is nothing we can do to earn grace aside from accepting it. In living a life for the Lord we must accept that which he has freely given us, his never-ending grace. We must find ourselves living because of grace rather then for or in spite of grace, something we could never earn.

Questions:
-What of your life enslaved to sin are you still hanging on to? Why haven?t you let go yet?
-What in your life are you scared you won?t succeed in? What parts of that have you not lifted completely to the Lord?
-We?re called to be like Christ, what attribute of Jesus do you desire the most? How would attaining that affect your life?

Seek the face of Christ,
~paul

Can you see them swooping from the heavens, swords in hands saving the world. As I peer from the window I see the battle blazing as my heart ceases to flutter. Before my eyes lay affects of the night before, scared huddled in a corner. Praying to not be alone, praying that righteousness could be restored. Swirled around in the wind were the sounds and screams of those not realizing their mouths were open. The dimming lights and shattered character of hearts hopelessly calling to nothing. Calls that were answered. As I curled up scared, gravity pulling water from my eyes till they too were dry.

From the corner basement room I would sneak a peak through the window with disbelieving eyes. I let out noises that I didn?t even know I held praying that He would hear me and come by my side. My heart became so heavy… it hurts to move because of what I see. I?m scared to go outside for there is to much (or is it not enough). It mine as well be calling to me, this morning light which shown with my first glances on the world. My heart still heavy and hurting, as I see here watching them swooping and rushing, swords in hand while people walk past unsuspecting. I used to cry when I saw this, saw them fighting, but now I simply pray that He shall be triumphant. As they walk past ignorant to that which is going on around them.

The light is gone again… In time I shall return

——————————————————————-

Alright, I?m sick of sitting on what I see and know, not using the gifts given to me. My heart is too heavy to say nothing. Father let me live because of your unfailing grace.

Pressing onward, because I can’t look back.
~paul

So I sit here, seemingly waiting for something to happen that won’t. What am I speaking of? The fact that I am always on the outside looking in. There are very few times when I’m asked to go out and do anything. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that it just doesn’t happen. You would probably tell me that I should go out there and ask my friends what is going on, and it’s a logical statement to make. If it weren’t for the last decade of feeling on the outside and feeling like a third wheel I probably would. The last thing I’m looking for are people to take pity on me for just sitting around on a Friday night.

This isn’t something that just started happening recently, as long as I can remember I’ve been someone who was left home on weekends doing nothing more then finding things to fill my time with. That’s how I know it isn’t the people around me but rather something inside of me. If this has been happening for the last ten+ years there is something more going on. It’s not even that my friends hate me, I think it’s the fact that I know so many people that everyone tends to forget about me. A friend of mine in HS told me something to the context of “The popular kids are those who are left at home doing nothing because everyone assume that they are out with someone else.” Now I would be the last person to every even think I’m popular. I guess I will break it down.

I’m sitting here knowing that I could have called a number of people to do something tonight. Yet I’m still sitting here. I strive so hard to put others first, to live a life lost for myself (and I know I fall short, but I still will try again tomorrow) and it causes a couple things to happen. First that I don’t want to interrupt what is already going on because I almost always feel like a third wheel. I love doing things one-on-one because you can’t feel on the outside of that. They either invited me because they enjoy my company, or I invited them for the same reason. One could look at calling up a group of people to hang out that person inviting them to hang out, but to me that seems selfish. That they should all hang out with me, who am I.

I can’t stand asking for anything from others as well, it used to be a pride thing. I always used to feel like I could do it on my own. While that’s still there some of the time it mostly comes down to me not wanting to bother you. I would rather stand on the side in pain (metaphorical, if I was in real pain I would get help so don’t worry about that), then inconvenience those around me. Which leads me right back to the problem with even writing this. Anyone of my friends who read this will then want to do something with me and again I will feel like the third wheel. I’m sorry for being selfless and not self-content. Maybe I’m just waiting for the next selfless person to come along. Maybe I’m just looking for you amid the masses to stand apart so that someone will truly understand. I lost my life and am just trying to do what I can with what He’s given me.

The other day I was talking to someone and they made the comment about how it’s sweet to let people see the ‘real’ you at a certain kind of event and this took me back. Maybe because I don’t know who I really am? Or that I am that person and the idea that I’m not at times shocked me, that he might be that way… It’s late and my heart is beating a million miles a minute. I’m going to go for a walk. I’m sorry for not having anything more to show you.

take care and God bless,
~paul

For the past month there has been something that, time and time again, as been resurfacing in my walk with the Lord. Those things in my life that I desire are starting to play a more active and large part in my faith. As I?m faced with larger and more important decisions understanding my desires is going to be very important. I must preface this with the following statement. I am basing this fairly heavily off scripture regarding prayer and faith. If your walk of faith is not in line completely with Christ (as mine isn?t) this can?t be taken word for word, but it should be a good point to start at and even strive for. That through the power of prayer we can ask for our will to be that which God wills for us. Not only gives you strength in your prayer life but it also has other effects (as I noticed).

In the New Testament there are 14 different words (4 nouns and 10 verbs) used in Greek that are translated. The one that I first think with the word desire turns out to be epthumia, or ?a desire, craving, longing, mostly of evil desires? that is mostly equated with things of sin (ie; lust, jealousy, greed). Causing me at once to seek to have my desires taken from me. While I will sin for the rest of my life, if there is something I could do to sin less I feel a strong will to see that. It?s hard enough to know the sins I?m committing, then to be overwhelmed with the notion that every desire I have is inherently sinful is overwhelming.

Maybe it was hope, but I felt like some of the things I desired really were good, God loving and God fearing things. I desired for my friends to be happy, I desired to have a heart to pray, I desired to labor for the lord. Those aren?t lustful or greedy. Looking for a reason for these to make sense you come across eudokia or for good pleasure/with a gracious purpose. I desire the best for my friends is a good example (rom 10:1).

Why that?s all good talking about the thing of desire, desiring something is an action, a verb (where those have all been nouns so far). Barely having a negative connotations; to deem worthy, to desire earnestly, desired, to have a strong affection for/a yearning after, to reach or stretch out, to will and to wish, to wish and to will deliberately, to have a zeal for and to be zealous towards (this can be negative), to ask, or earnestly desiring. Each one of those depicts a different approach to desiring something. Leading me to believe that the act of desiring is not sinful (it never says do not desire) only that by desiring the wrong things we can fall into sin. That our desires can cause is to stumble and fall from the grace of God.

This left me stumped and confused. I obviously desire things. After all I am human . Thinking through what the bible says about putting to death the desires of the sinful nature by being filled with the Spirit (Romans 8:13) it leads me to look at how one seeks that. Our power as Christians comes from the ability we have in prayer and to ask for things that will be given to us, boldly and specifically. That we should pray for his will to become ours and then there will be such greater power in prayer. So where is that line?

In Galatians 5 it talks about how the spirit desires that contrary to the desires of sinful nature. It lists out those desires of the sinful nature as; sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like. (5:19-12a) This only re-enforces what Paul said in Romans 8:5b when he says that ?those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.? That when we truly live our lives for Christ and are filled with the spirit out desires are that which God desires for us.

Practically:
We must have faith that our desires our pure and of the Lord if we are living for Him. Checking them against Galatians 5 and seeking out guidance from Christ through prayer, petition, and fasting. Lifting larger decisions up to Him. What is a larger decision? Anything that you are worrying over. The bible calls us to cast our worries unto Him for a reason. If we have done that then we must have faith that our desires are in line with God?s and are what he desires for us.

My whole life has been lived on fast forward (or you could call it running into the future) since my depression started back in 8th grade. I think I felt like I could out run it and the feelings associated with depression, and that if I got to some distant point that it would become unrealized to me. I spent so many years doing it, living for days so far past tomorrow that it could make my head spin if I had taken the time to think it through. Starting that blasted corporation in 9th grade… I could sit here and look back on so many things that I?ve thought myself to grown up for, or missed because I was to busy with what I got myself involved in.

Since my last post about grace (all of about an hour ago) it?s really got me thinking of my motivation behind what I?m involved with and desire to be involved with. God has really broken me down over the last couple days and I honestly am not sure how to take it. I sense myself really withdrawing because I?m not sure where or why this brokenness is taking place. I used to and now I don?t know. The more I?ve been in prayer over it the more it feels like my life is slowing down. That I?m not living for some point in the future, but that for the first time in years I want to live for now and the frustrating thing about it is that I feel as though I forgot how.

I?m really not sure what to do from here. For the first time it seems to make sense where I am (although I am always looking into tomorrow…). I?ve never felt like this before. Not that it isn?t something that I could get used to, it just feels so foreign right now. There have always been things I have strived for, in skiing it was to be the best in the Midwest and to turn heads nationally and there was such accomplishment when I did that. Writing that out I see why it is a problem (?when I?). If I?m to submit everything to Christ then it can?t be I who accomplish things for the things I desired to accomplish need to be cast up to Him. Abba Father thank you for your patience with me as I take time to seek your face and understand your word further. As I become nothing before you so that you can be everything through me.

As awesome as prayer is, I kind of forgot of the prayer to become nothing. Father give me the strength to receive what you have for me and heal my heart and spirit. That the faith in my prayer life would be even more bold in you.

For those who I?ve left confused or who have noticed me acting a bit off, sorry and thank you for your prayers. Sometimes asking for prayer is the hardest thing for me to do.

broken for Christ,
~paul