Paul Prins

Afterthoughts appear instantly
Words confused and conditioned
to hint nothing
sometimes leaves me wondering
then or not, time should slow
for my head to stop spinning..

So it probably doesn?t make a whole lot of sense. So is it with most of what I seem to be writing since I got back from France. Not really sure why that is. Oh well, tonight I?m pretty sure it?s because my head is spinning like mad and my stomach is really not feelings well (broke fast wrong I think, though I didn?t do anything different then normal, not sure). It?s coming to my attention that I don?t necessarily put all the emphases on things that I should. For example it feels like I have all this down time but today I finally made up a list of all the things I need to get done soon and realized how much there was on the list. I guess it makes sense as to way I?m always busy, I?m pretty sure it must be genetic. Sometimes I really wonder why I feel the need to always be keeping myself busy. I read something today that hit me kind of hard about accepting God?s grace. It talked about how some people feel the need to work so hard for it (very paraphrased but yea) and I couldn?t help but realize that was me.

Personally I like to think that I am so excited and energized by Christ and everything that he?s done for me that I can?t help but get out there to do work for Him. Then it always causes me to wonder. I?ll be honest, I work myself to the bone. If it was in the thousands of hours I put into each event and video I produced and now I?m seeing a similar mentality with my labor for Christ. It gets to the point where if I?m not doing something I feel as though I?m not doing what I should be. That is the difference there, that I feel like I should be, not that I need to be? It?s such a fine line.

Right now I?m in the process of trying to set up the ministry for next summer back home and am realizing that it?s going to be a lot more work then I think. Not that I?m going to completely through the vision of Jethro (the name for the EP summer Ministry) completely to the curb, but it has been sitting on the back burner for about a month now. Part of me wonders if this will be the summer, if I will have the faith strong enough, and that I?ve become enough of nothing that God must bless something like this through me. It makes me wonder a lot about where I?m headed. God is a healer though, if I would only loose my pride and let Him.

That?s all I got for tonight, check out the previous entry, wrote a poem (thorn) I like quite a bit!

Keep seeking God?s blessings,
~paul

it’s interesting to see how things have changed, or rather not changed at all. While the style is different (hopefully matured?) the subject stays the same. The one dream I can’t get myself to let go of. A reality that I know exists yet can’t completely comprehend. I know you’re there and while I want to know it, I know that I can’t. My most sincere regrets are that I can’t explain this, but I understand that in time it will grow into something when the mind and heart finally understand. It seems to be a matter of time. Know that you are worth, and I will wait, all the time that there could ever be.

I placed Twilight to the right (not that it isn’t already on here somewhere) but just to show a comparison of my style after seven months and some change when writing about a similar subject. While I was actually writing about myself in twilight the purpose was the same. To get out on paper something I couldn?t express using things that can’t express them, but making them. To that ends I think thorn is more effective? If you could please let me know what you think of ‘thorn’ I would be very grateful, also kind of wondering who reads this!

Seek out the Face of Christ,
~paul

Wow so that was an amazing weekend with the guys. From just hanging out to playing one of the best games of capture the flag I?d ever been a part of. So I have a bruse under my left arm, my left hand is pretty scratched up from jumping down a hill to get into the trees (yea, didn?t realize there was a hill there…) and the scratch under my left eye. As you could probably notice a pattern there, the left side of my body. I guess I just put that part of me first when I?m running into something or someone. Nothing to serious and will actually be all better in a couple days.

I?m sure I have more to write about but my mind is drawing a blank right now. Josh you rock, I?m so excited that you came. Haven?t had that good of a time away with just guys in a long time. Below is a little something I read in TNR (the new republic) today that I found really exciting.

?In the third century B.C.E., Ptolemy Philadelphus, ruler of Alexandria, Egypt’s most Hellenized and sophisticated city, determined that a Greek rendering of the Torah should be included in the Great Library of that famed metropolis. To that end, he sent lavish gifts to Eleazar, the high priest of the Temple in Jerusalem, who reciprocated by dispatching to Alexandria seventy-two sages, six from each of the twelve biblical tribes, to begin the work of translation. Ptolemy greeted the visitors with a banquet lasting seven days, after which they were taken to the island of Pharos. Here each man was shut up in his own cell, in strictest seclusion, each toiling separately over the Hebrew original, in order to perfect its transcription into the lingua franca of the age. Seventy days later, when the scribes emerged from their labors, it was revealed that the seventy-two individually calculated translations were identical, each to the other, varying not by a jot or a tittle. Hence the name Septuagint (meaning seventy), immemorially given to the miraculous Greek text: a book divine in its essence, and thereby divine in its production. When heaven has a hand in translation, it is bound to be immaculate. God, who is One, sees to the oneness–the indivisibility–of His word. Many scribes, but one authentic Voice.? -Cynthia Ozick of TNR

Keep living for Christ!
~paul

Humbly I stand before today before realizing that my feet aren?t holding me up. I?m on my knees realizing what lays ahead and how little I know of what is head of me. Finally realizing that the hands that are embracing the floor aren?t able to reach forward to you Father. That the feelings of my heart at lost in the confusion of my mind as my hands are stretched out on the floor before my Lord.

I wish that I had the answer right now to tell you, that would make sense of what is going on around you and I don?t yet. Slowly it is starting to make more sense. I?m broken before our Father because everything I?ve tried hasn?t worked, my mind needs His counsel, my prayers need to be lifted up to Christ so that I will be able to tell you what you deserve to hear.

To say I understand where you?re at would be a lie, to say I have done everything I should have would also fall short of truth. The only thing that I?m certain of is where my heart rests and that you deserve to know more, and you will know both. As this rain gently falls today my prayers for understanding and your comfort rise up to Him. Please take refuge in Him until we meet again and we?re able to talk. Know that you aren?t alone, it hasn?t been easy for me and I would guess the same would be true for you. I wish that now I knew more of what I needed to say, please don?t be scared to ask and I promise I won?t be scared to tell. Please relax and take a breath because tomorrow is soon to be today and soon there will be answers that you deserve, my regret is that it isn?t today. I pray this makes sense…

Maybe someday you?ll know
the time spent at this window,
with eyes up to the sky
wondering why it?s taking so long.
To be taken where the stars are brighter
and the moon will set you by my side
for that moment neither of us could hide
from how we feel for each other.

To show you my longing heart,
and start by holding you like so
pointing to the stars I saw from my window
telling how they made me dream of you.
Then sit and listen to all you have to say
catching all that your heart pours out
about to realize what all this means
when the time shall come to say goodbye.
don?t know how and not sure why
I am loosing you and your grace,
as this place with you in my arms fades away.

For tonight I?m sitting in my room staring into the night air
longing for the plane to take me there.
Where time will stop for you and me,
letting words be said worry free
you?d understand how my heart is resting,
or is it restlessly waiting for you?

4/11/04
when I wrote this I wasn?t sure who it was for, it just was how my heart felt, as much as it has changed since then it feels as though I am back were I started when I wrote this. Desiring to be able to talk to you. However I?m not so sure that this time will be met with Goodbye… This poem talks of a dream, and one can only be left to wonder if…

Keep living for Christ and God bless,
~paul