PaulPrins.net

So I sit here, seemingly waiting for something to happen that won?t. What am I speaking of? The fact that I am always on the outside looking in. There are very few times when I?m asked to go out and do anything. It?s not that I don?t want to, it?s that it just doesn?t happen. You would probably tell me that I should go out there and ask my friends what is going on, and it?s a logical statement to make. If it weren?t for the last decade of feeling on the outside and feeling like a third wheel I probably would. The last thing I?m looking for are people to take pity on me for just sitting around on a Friday night.

This isn?t something that just started happening recently, as long as I can remember I?ve been someone who was left home on weekends doing nothing more then finding things to fill my time with. That?s how I know it isn?t the people around me but rather something inside of me. If this has been happening for the last ten+ years there is something more going on. It?s not even that my friends hate me, I think it?s the fact that I know so many people that everyone tends to forget about me. A friend of mine in HS told me something to the context of ?The popular kids are those who are left at home doing nothing because everyone assume that they are out with someone else.? Now I would be the last person to every even think I?m popular. I guess I will break it down.

I?m sitting here knowing that I could have called a number of people to do something tonight. Yet I?m still sitting here. I strive so hard to put others first, to live a life lost for myself (and I know I fall short, but I still will try again tomorrow) and it causes a couple things to happen. First that I don?t want to interrupt what is already going on because I almost always feel like a third wheel. I love doing things one-on-one because you can?t feel on the outside of that. They either invited me because they enjoy my company, or I invited them for the same reason. One could look at calling up a group of people to hang out that person inviting them to hang out, but to me that seems selfish. That they should all hang out with me, who am I.

I can?t stand asking for anything from others as well, it used to be a pride thing. I always used to feel like I could do it on my own. While that?s still there some of the time it mostly comes down to me not wanting to bother you. I would rather stand on the side in pain (metaphorical, if I was in real pain I would get help so don?t worry about that), then inconvenience those around me. Which leads me right back to the problem with even writing this. Anyone of my friends who read this will then want to do something with me and again I will feel like the third wheel. I?m sorry for being selfless and not self-content. Maybe I?m just waiting for the next selfless person to come along. Maybe I?m just looking for you amid the masses to stand apart so that someone will truly understand. I lost my life and am just trying to do what I can with what He?s given me.

The other day I was talking to someone and they made the comment about how it?s sweet to let people see the ?real? you at a certain kind of event and this took me back. Maybe because I don?t know who I really am? Or that I am that person and the idea that I?m not at times shocked me, that he might be that way… It?s late and my heart is beating a million miles a minute. I?m going to go for a walk. I?m sorry for not having anything more to show you.

take care and God bless,
~paul

For the past month there has been something that, time and time again, as been resurfacing in my walk with the Lord. Those things in my life that I desire are starting to play a more active and large part in my faith. As I?m faced with larger and more important decisions understanding my desires is going to be very important. I must preface this with the following statement. I am basing this fairly heavily off scripture regarding prayer and faith. If your walk of faith is not in line completely with Christ (as mine isn?t) this can?t be taken word for word, but it should be a good point to start at and even strive for. That through the power of prayer we can ask for our will to be that which God wills for us. Not only gives you strength in your prayer life but it also has other effects (as I noticed).

In the New Testament there are 14 different words (4 nouns and 10 verbs) used in Greek that are translated. The one that I first think with the word desire turns out to be epthumia, or ?a desire, craving, longing, mostly of evil desires? that is mostly equated with things of sin (ie; lust, jealousy, greed). Causing me at once to seek to have my desires taken from me. While I will sin for the rest of my life, if there is something I could do to sin less I feel a strong will to see that. It?s hard enough to know the sins I?m committing, then to be overwhelmed with the notion that every desire I have is inherently sinful is overwhelming.

Maybe it was hope, but I felt like some of the things I desired really were good, God loving and God fearing things. I desired for my friends to be happy, I desired to have a heart to pray, I desired to labor for the lord. Those aren?t lustful or greedy. Looking for a reason for these to make sense you come across eudokia or for good pleasure/with a gracious purpose. I desire the best for my friends is a good example (rom 10:1).

Why that?s all good talking about the thing of desire, desiring something is an action, a verb (where those have all been nouns so far). Barely having a negative connotations; to deem worthy, to desire earnestly, desired, to have a strong affection for/a yearning after, to reach or stretch out, to will and to wish, to wish and to will deliberately, to have a zeal for and to be zealous towards (this can be negative), to ask, or earnestly desiring. Each one of those depicts a different approach to desiring something. Leading me to believe that the act of desiring is not sinful (it never says do not desire) only that by desiring the wrong things we can fall into sin. That our desires can cause is to stumble and fall from the grace of God.

This left me stumped and confused. I obviously desire things. After all I am human . Thinking through what the bible says about putting to death the desires of the sinful nature by being filled with the Spirit (Romans 8:13) it leads me to look at how one seeks that. Our power as Christians comes from the ability we have in prayer and to ask for things that will be given to us, boldly and specifically. That we should pray for his will to become ours and then there will be such greater power in prayer. So where is that line?

In Galatians 5 it talks about how the spirit desires that contrary to the desires of sinful nature. It lists out those desires of the sinful nature as; sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like. (5:19-12a) This only re-enforces what Paul said in Romans 8:5b when he says that ?those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.? That when we truly live our lives for Christ and are filled with the spirit out desires are that which God desires for us.

Practically:
We must have faith that our desires our pure and of the Lord if we are living for Him. Checking them against Galatians 5 and seeking out guidance from Christ through prayer, petition, and fasting. Lifting larger decisions up to Him. What is a larger decision? Anything that you are worrying over. The bible calls us to cast our worries unto Him for a reason. If we have done that then we must have faith that our desires are in line with God?s and are what he desires for us.

My whole life has been lived on fast forward (or you could call it running into the future) since my depression started back in 8th grade. I think I felt like I could out run it and the feelings associated with depression, and that if I got to some distant point that it would become unrealized to me. I spent so many years doing it, living for days so far past tomorrow that it could make my head spin if I had taken the time to think it through. Starting that blasted corporation in 9th grade… I could sit here and look back on so many things that I?ve thought myself to grown up for, or missed because I was to busy with what I got myself involved in.

Since my last post about grace (all of about an hour ago) it?s really got me thinking of my motivation behind what I?m involved with and desire to be involved with. God has really broken me down over the last couple days and I honestly am not sure how to take it. I sense myself really withdrawing because I?m not sure where or why this brokenness is taking place. I used to and now I don?t know. The more I?ve been in prayer over it the more it feels like my life is slowing down. That I?m not living for some point in the future, but that for the first time in years I want to live for now and the frustrating thing about it is that I feel as though I forgot how.

I?m really not sure what to do from here. For the first time it seems to make sense where I am (although I am always looking into tomorrow…). I?ve never felt like this before. Not that it isn?t something that I could get used to, it just feels so foreign right now. There have always been things I have strived for, in skiing it was to be the best in the Midwest and to turn heads nationally and there was such accomplishment when I did that. Writing that out I see why it is a problem (?when I?). If I?m to submit everything to Christ then it can?t be I who accomplish things for the things I desired to accomplish need to be cast up to Him. Abba Father thank you for your patience with me as I take time to seek your face and understand your word further. As I become nothing before you so that you can be everything through me.

As awesome as prayer is, I kind of forgot of the prayer to become nothing. Father give me the strength to receive what you have for me and heal my heart and spirit. That the faith in my prayer life would be even more bold in you.

For those who I?ve left confused or who have noticed me acting a bit off, sorry and thank you for your prayers. Sometimes asking for prayer is the hardest thing for me to do.

broken for Christ,
~paul

Afterthoughts appear instantly
Words confused and conditioned
to hint nothing
sometimes leaves me wondering
then or not, time should slow
for my head to stop spinning..

So it probably doesn?t make a whole lot of sense. So is it with most of what I seem to be writing since I got back from France. Not really sure why that is. Oh well, tonight I?m pretty sure it?s because my head is spinning like mad and my stomach is really not feelings well (broke fast wrong I think, though I didn?t do anything different then normal, not sure). It?s coming to my attention that I don?t necessarily put all the emphases on things that I should. For example it feels like I have all this down time but today I finally made up a list of all the things I need to get done soon and realized how much there was on the list. I guess it makes sense as to way I?m always busy, I?m pretty sure it must be genetic. Sometimes I really wonder why I feel the need to always be keeping myself busy. I read something today that hit me kind of hard about accepting God?s grace. It talked about how some people feel the need to work so hard for it (very paraphrased but yea) and I couldn?t help but realize that was me.

Personally I like to think that I am so excited and energized by Christ and everything that he?s done for me that I can?t help but get out there to do work for Him. Then it always causes me to wonder. I?ll be honest, I work myself to the bone. If it was in the thousands of hours I put into each event and video I produced and now I?m seeing a similar mentality with my labor for Christ. It gets to the point where if I?m not doing something I feel as though I?m not doing what I should be. That is the difference there, that I feel like I should be, not that I need to be? It?s such a fine line.

Right now I?m in the process of trying to set up the ministry for next summer back home and am realizing that it?s going to be a lot more work then I think. Not that I?m going to completely through the vision of Jethro (the name for the EP summer Ministry) completely to the curb, but it has been sitting on the back burner for about a month now. Part of me wonders if this will be the summer, if I will have the faith strong enough, and that I?ve become enough of nothing that God must bless something like this through me. It makes me wonder a lot about where I?m headed. God is a healer though, if I would only loose my pride and let Him.

That?s all I got for tonight, check out the previous entry, wrote a poem (thorn) I like quite a bit!

Keep seeking God?s blessings,
~paul

it?s interesting to see how things have changed, or rather not changed at all. While the style is different (hopefully matured?) the subject stays the same. The one dream I can?t get myself to let go of. A reality that I know exists yet can?t completely comprehend. I know you?re there and while I want to know it, I know that I can?t. My most sincere regrets are that I can?t explain this, but I understand that in time it will grow into something when the mind and heart finally understand. It seems to be a matter of time. Know that you are worth, and I will wait, all the time that there could ever be.

I placed Twilight to the right (not that it isn?t already on here somewhere) but just to show a comparison of my style after seven months and some change when writing about a similar subject. While I was actually writing about myself in twilight the purpose was the same. To get out on paper something I couldn?t express using things that can?t express them, but making them. To that ends I think thorn is more effective? If you could please let me know what you think of ?thorn? I would be very grateful, also kind of wondering who reads this!

Seek out the Face of Christ,
~paul

Wow so that was an amazing weekend with the guys. From just hanging out to playing one of the best games of capture the flag I?d ever been a part of. So I have a bruse under my left arm, my left hand is pretty scratched up from jumping down a hill to get into the trees (yea, didn?t realize there was a hill there…) and the scratch under my left eye. As you could probably notice a pattern there, the left side of my body. I guess I just put that part of me first when I?m running into something or someone. Nothing to serious and will actually be all better in a couple days.

I?m sure I have more to write about but my mind is drawing a blank right now. Josh you rock, I?m so excited that you came. Haven?t had that good of a time away with just guys in a long time. Below is a little something I read in TNR (the new republic) today that I found really exciting.

?In the third century B.C.E., Ptolemy Philadelphus, ruler of Alexandria, Egypt’s most Hellenized and sophisticated city, determined that a Greek rendering of the Torah should be included in the Great Library of that famed metropolis. To that end, he sent lavish gifts to Eleazar, the high priest of the Temple in Jerusalem, who reciprocated by dispatching to Alexandria seventy-two sages, six from each of the twelve biblical tribes, to begin the work of translation. Ptolemy greeted the visitors with a banquet lasting seven days, after which they were taken to the island of Pharos. Here each man was shut up in his own cell, in strictest seclusion, each toiling separately over the Hebrew original, in order to perfect its transcription into the lingua franca of the age. Seventy days later, when the scribes emerged from their labors, it was revealed that the seventy-two individually calculated translations were identical, each to the other, varying not by a jot or a tittle. Hence the name Septuagint (meaning seventy), immemorially given to the miraculous Greek text: a book divine in its essence, and thereby divine in its production. When heaven has a hand in translation, it is bound to be immaculate. God, who is One, sees to the oneness–the indivisibility–of His word. Many scribes, but one authentic Voice.? -Cynthia Ozick of TNR

Keep living for Christ!
~paul

Humbly I stand before today before realizing that my feet aren?t holding me up. I?m on my knees realizing what lays ahead and how little I know of what is head of me. Finally realizing that the hands that are embracing the floor aren?t able to reach forward to you Father. That the feelings of my heart at lost in the confusion of my mind as my hands are stretched out on the floor before my Lord.

I wish that I had the answer right now to tell you, that would make sense of what is going on around you and I don?t yet. Slowly it is starting to make more sense. I?m broken before our Father because everything I?ve tried hasn?t worked, my mind needs His counsel, my prayers need to be lifted up to Christ so that I will be able to tell you what you deserve to hear.

To say I understand where you?re at would be a lie, to say I have done everything I should have would also fall short of truth. The only thing that I?m certain of is where my heart rests and that you deserve to know more, and you will know both. As this rain gently falls today my prayers for understanding and your comfort rise up to Him. Please take refuge in Him until we meet again and we?re able to talk. Know that you aren?t alone, it hasn?t been easy for me and I would guess the same would be true for you. I wish that now I knew more of what I needed to say, please don?t be scared to ask and I promise I won?t be scared to tell. Please relax and take a breath because tomorrow is soon to be today and soon there will be answers that you deserve, my regret is that it isn?t today. I pray this makes sense…

Maybe someday you?ll know
the time spent at this window,
with eyes up to the sky
wondering why it?s taking so long.
To be taken where the stars are brighter
and the moon will set you by my side
for that moment neither of us could hide
from how we feel for each other.

To show you my longing heart,
and start by holding you like so
pointing to the stars I saw from my window
telling how they made me dream of you.
Then sit and listen to all you have to say
catching all that your heart pours out
about to realize what all this means
when the time shall come to say goodbye.
don?t know how and not sure why
I am loosing you and your grace,
as this place with you in my arms fades away.

For tonight I?m sitting in my room staring into the night air
longing for the plane to take me there.
Where time will stop for you and me,
letting words be said worry free
you?d understand how my heart is resting,
or is it restlessly waiting for you?

4/11/04
when I wrote this I wasn?t sure who it was for, it just was how my heart felt, as much as it has changed since then it feels as though I am back were I started when I wrote this. Desiring to be able to talk to you. However I?m not so sure that this time will be met with Goodbye… This poem talks of a dream, and one can only be left to wonder if…

Keep living for Christ and God bless,
~paul