PaulPrins.net

I don?t get it, I?m having a hard time comprehending why I have such a hard time being here (parents house). When I talk to others about it I feel as though I?m asking for sympathy for something that I need to work through. There are parallels to now and when I realized I was depressed. After my second suicide attempt it took days for my parents to admit that their son could be depressed (after I told them several months later).

Maybe it?s the fact that I tend to be very good a living a life that concerns so few other people. Now some of you may read that in surprise and think that I know so many people, and that probably has some truth to it. Now ask yourself how many people really know me. That number is so small. Sometimes I wonder if there is even a number there for it. Last week in bible study we talked about the people in our lives that we couldn?t live without, I picked my mom, and at the same time I have such a hard time living with her. Not to say that it is completely her fault, but just that I feel her and my dad take so long to realize what I am telling them. My biggest apology would be that I am hard to read, I wish I wore it out there but that?s not how I was brought up. I was told to be the strong little man, and I strived towards it. The only problem is that I?m not him, I?m broken from the inside out and will be until the day I die. Any completeness in my life is Gods grace and nothing less, surely nothing of me.

I think that could be another thing, just the past this house holds for me. I lived through Hell in this house, in this room and this bed I attempted suicide. Demons lurk in this room for me to return home and find some sick pleasure in tormenting me while I?m here.

There still is no word on if I?ll be doing STINT or not, be in prayer for those who are going to make that decision and for my patience. There are a lot of plans on hold right now waiting to hear the answer to what country I?ll be living in next year. I?m just waiting for the Lord to move and show us. Man I?m looking forward to date night tonight with Jordan.

Keep letting God bless ya,
~paul

I always seem to dread coming to my parents house, which is probably one of the reasons I do it so infrequently. The main reason I came home this weekend was to be able to see my little brother. Kyle could be going into the military academy and that would mean a very short-lived summer break before basic training. The more time I can get to see him and hang out the better. I realize how much I miss my older brother and just being able to chill, and am seeing the same future for Kyle and me. I feel horrible with how little I am able to talk to Ryan and Kyle.

If I?m so excited to see Kyle then when do I dread coming here (I?m at my parents right now)? I?ve never been to a place where I?m so spiritually attacked as with my parents. If it?s making me feel guilty, trying to get me involved in gossip, calling out their weakness upon me, and just not processing through what they are feeling as they should. I?m so sick of it. Of my parents seeming to need to rationalize what they feel through me, needing to talk to me as if I were somehow not their brother and sister but a mere child, your hearts so much more worldly then your minds would tell you. My parents can?t handle the conviction that is inherent with me coming home and I?m fed up with it. So here it goes.

I?m sorry that I don?t need either of you spiritually. That there are lessons I?ve learned that you aren?t seeing or willing to deal with. I?m sorry that I can?t pray for you as you wish I could, because those prayers aren?t pleasing to God. The feelings you have towards me aren?t from me, they are from Him. I?m sorry you are burdened with conviction. I?m sorry for growing and being refined. Tears well up in your eyes when you sing about being in the potters hands, yet you fight against him and don?t seek him beyond where you are comfortable. I?m sorry that your 50 year eyes don?t see things with any eternal perspective yet condemn eyes of a twenty year olds who do. I am sorry that you aren?t seeing where God is taking your son and the rewards He wants to bestow you for raising him. Most of all I am sorry that you don?t hear the words I speak as you should, that you still look at me as your child and not as your brother who has so much to show you.

I need to go somewhere, Father be gentle, they are so small!
~paul

For those of you who don?t know. I?m about 99.9% sure I?ll be living in France come 7 months from now. That?s right, in seven months time I should be settled in and getting into the groove with the ministry back in Toulouse, or possible somewhere else around the world. All I care about is that I am able to labor and work for Christ there in a more committed manner then I am now, to be somewhere so that He can be everything through me and these hands. I?ll be there from September until around July. Earlier today I had a follow up call on my application.

Someone called me up from the regional head quarters to fill in some of the follow up questions that my application had left. I didn?t feel like writing out my whole testimony so I just wrote a brief statement about my suicide attempts and then coming to know Christ in a personal way. We also talked about pornography issues I?ve struggled with in the past. It was so nice to talk to someone on the phone who I could relate to and just knowing how much emphasis they place on where that relationship is at. It?s so comforting to know that.

At the conclusion of our phone call we talked for a couple minutes longer and it was really encouraging. I strive to spend most of my time looking forward and not to things I?ve already done (realizing I barely every spend time being nostalgic or in those reminiscing moments, maybe because when I was depressed there was nothing worth looking back on). He told me how excited he was to hear my testimony and what the Lord was doing in my life, and how impressed he was by my references and I?ve spent a large portion of my day trying to figure out why they would see me that way. There is so much I should do and don?t, and then there are the things I do that I know I shouldn?t.

The image I keep coming back to is someone being held back from a fight. That for the longest time I was running from the world chasing me and now that I see things as I should I want to get out there and do everything I can, and the Lord is pulling on me as I am striving to run forward and he is simply aiming me where I should be going, calming me down, and letting me go. I can?t help but feel pain when I see things as they really are, it breaks me down in side. So many things in my life have happened to allow me to see things this way, watching people fall away from Christ, watching others intoxicate their minds away from their desire to know Him, to seeing the actions of nations as planned and executed by God as we rationalize them as human will. I?m torn between wanting to heal wounds and knowing that there is nothing I can do without Christ. That to run from Him and fight would be foolish, I would be trampled until he picked me up again. Only if my drive would inspire Christ to move with me and guide me and be in my hands.

If I could only get there, if only my prayers were strong enough. How I must beseech you.

Held back, revving to go, and waiting in the hands of Christ,
~paul

So I?ve been slacking major on the updating of this journal but it will get better, because I?m starting to realize how much I?m suppressing my processing of whats going on in my life. This blog helps me do that. Random stuff; I won a free whole pie at baker square today in my SRVM 110 course because I knew French silk was the most popular pie they sell. So libby and me are going to try to hit that up when we?re both home this weekend (though she?s going home tomorrow). I?ve been doing a lot of conflict resolution this week, so it?s been a lot of fun? I?m starting to tell when I?m stressed out and it?s a lot more often then I realized. It?s just that I never get any real side affects because of it.

Jordan is still sick, she got a much nastier bug then I got. My cold last week was just a sore throat and weird feeling head, she?s got some stomach bug that?s really got her feeling down and worn out. So if you could be praying for her that?d be awesome.

Last night we brainstormed up outreaches for this next quarter, some of them are stinking awesome. I?m constantly in awe of what this team can come up with, and so grateful for all of them because they have some amazing ideas to contribute. Needless to say I think we are all excited to see what Christ is going to do on this campus through our outreaches. I?ll let you know more as we get more planned out.

As for me, I am strangly not busy. I think I?m just making time for reading my new book and it should be pretty interesting. It?s called ?the prophets? and is written by this brilliant jewish scholar, Abraham Heschel. I?m finishing up the introduction and really enjoying his insight, it?s a breath of fresh air from all the evangelism books I?ve been reading lately (7 or 8 of them).

I?m looking forward to heading home this weekend and possibly skiing on Saturday. Just realized today that I could probably get to hyland for a couple runs. Pretty excited about that. Going to the variety show with my mom Friday night to watch the little bro. I duno I?m just pretty excited in general to get away from stout for a while. Will be the only time this quarter that I?m going to get home.

Thursday I?m going to have a little phone interview for my STINT application. Basically just talking and going over some personal information that I have a hard time explaining in writing. Which is hard because my RA application is due by tomorrow so I will probably just turn that in and when I hear about STINT email ann marie and tell her if I still can or not.

Also lately I?ve been feeling like revitalizing Midwest Skier and turning it into an online magazine style website. I think it could be a really awesome idea, posted something on there and will see if anyone is willing to help out with it. I?m hoping this goes over well, it would be fun to kick it up, recast the vision, and see how the site does in their hands. Would be quite the test of my ability to manage properly, and to be able to give something like this back to the Midwest after all they?ve done for me would be awesome.

I?m sure there is more, I?m going to try to write more often and not wait to have these epic entries all the time. God bless ya,
~paul

My crown melts as I return from my work. The speckled snow embracing my hair giving thanks for those who will fail to notice my toils. Oh how you would have done so much more and while my heart rejoices it?s torn for not doing enough, knowing I could have done more. For you I would work till exhaustion. I praise you that the recognition will fade and pass along, that no one will speak a word of that which has been done out of goodness, my reward rests in you pleasure.

My crown drips from my brow. This salty perspiration has never tasted so sweet as your hands wipe the sweat from my face. Though my arms are sore and my back in need of lighter work. There is my heart, resting in you and echoing your praise back best I can (even though you?re worth so much more then I can give). Oh how I pray that this moment would bring you peace and pleasure. Bless those around me and bring them to sing in your name.

Oh Christ, how I wish that I could do so much more. I?m no longer scared of what that means. I should have died nearly three years ago thus I forfeit my life for the sake of your Glory. May you resonate in me as I rest in you. Nature sings praise to you, snow will rest upon your brow as you move here tonight, and the heavens are holding their breath in awe of everything your doing. Time will forget me as they learn to sing your praise once again.

In You I trust, and in You I put my Hope. Oh God draw me closer to you.

I wish I could have written more this past week but my hectic schedule didn?t allow for much of anything aside from ministry, class, and work as an RA. We, as campus crusade, had outreaches on Monday through Thursday and they went so well. Monday we had a spiritual interest panel with 5 professors from Stout talking about their beliefs. It went over fairly well though attendance was a problem (was all week). Tuesday night we showed Waking Life in applied arts 210 (mmmmm big screen) and it was a lot of fun. Slightly larger crowd and that movie just really gets you thinking about everything.

The group I was a part of led the outreach on Wednesday where we put together the invitations we handed out and used as a tool to get people to come on Thursday. We put together 500 bags of random school supplies with a quarter sheet invite to our outreach. We had around thirty people to hand them out and it went pretty well. We hit up pretty much every dorm that night and nearly all of them had been turned out by the next day.

Thursday was here and that meant Moments in Eternity. The outreach ran really well and I was in awe of how well the sub-team system worked out. Currently am in the process of figuring out what that makes my job as the evangelism team leader. We had a low turn out for the outreach but the efforts of those involved in running the outreach were so blessed. It went very well, the testimonies worked awesome together and the drama was mind blowing. I might put that up here once I get a chance to mix it a bit.

This leads me to my next point, what happened last week. I?m still processing it to be honest but this is where I?m at right now. God blessed us in how things ran. The week happened with almost no incident and it?s such a blessing to know that. So why, if each outreach ran so smoothly, were there so few people there and so (relatively few in comparison to last semester) few relationships started with the Lord. Where is our movement at that we could only handle seven? The bible tells us that the Lord gives us no more then we can handle, so why as a movement of over 200 students can we only handle seven.

A few thoughts from my corner. Sujo John was an amazing outreach that we dropped the ball on. We were collectively trusted with so much and we dropped the ball, just as we did after the Passion of the Christ outreach. The overflow of cards overwhelmed the system we had in place and it was never replaced or modified. There were people who weren?t met up with until the end of the semester, nearly 9-10 weeks later. The moment you accept Christ you take the side of light and there is nothing that upsets Satan more then when Christ wins over another heart. The best thing Satan can do at that point is demoralize and cause that person to become idol and ineffective in their faith. When we as a movement can?t reach out them and immerse them quickly in scripture and truth, equipping them to battle against the darkness that desires to so quickly consume them, we have lost the battle we are truly fighting. The battle to raise up warriors (aka laborers).

Now I?m not passing the blame, there is more I could be doing and I?m starting to do more. There are two more guys I want to start discipling this week, I want to spend more time with the people from my team and raise them up to be leaders that have the characteristics of Christ that they are destined to have if they only knew. Here is the bottom line, it?s not what we are doing that is going wrong, it?s that we aren?t allowing ourselves to become the people we must be. If we would just stop buying into the mediocre Christianity that the rest of the world has and would actually see how powerful passages like Romans 8:29-30 really are. To live out the promises of God in their life because they are able to embrace what it means to be called, to be Christian. I?m tired of seeing people pass up everything, for what their minds can grasp. Father be with my hands and in my words in my last months here. I see it now and my cry is that it not be past the hour I should have seen.

God bless us again with your strength and understanding,
(not worthy to put my name)

Ok so by now it?s more like thirty-one and a half days, and I?m still stinkin excited about it. I know I haven?t written much about Jordan but she truly is an amazing women of God. While the first three weeks or so were spent several hours apart now that were here and able to see each other it?s becoming more real.

I?m not sure that I would say it is real yet. There are still times that I don?t remember, or if I do it still feels a bit surreal. Even though I can hold her in my arms and joke around with her it still feels weird. It?s just that I?ve never dated someone who understood me so well. That she knows when I?m having a hard day and seems to just help me push forward. She gets what I do and when girls I have dated before would have gotten upset she is there waiting for me, understanding what I?m doing. Don?t have a clue what I ever did to deserve someone like her, but she is someone I will defiantly love having around and getting to know better.

In other news this is what I?ve been up to: RA Training, Servant Team (ccc), Testimony Training (ccc), Date Night w/ Jordan, Peer Review Board, All Hall Event (ra), and finished my book (Three Battlegrounds). In the next couple days this is what is going on: giving my speech, Catalytic Conference, Talking at the Catalytic Conference, Sophomore Class dinner, servant team, spiritual interest panel outreach, movie outreach, invite outreach, moments in eternity outreach, and then finally rest! Oh yea, there is that school thing too.

Keep letting God bless ya!
~paul