PaulPrins.net

I?m sorry this hurts, that sometimes it feels as though it hurts to much to even cry. To imagine a pain that feels so indescribable it is nearly unbearable is beyond me. Loosing someone you have so much love for, so much heart for, so many memories with, someone who was your best friend. I?m envious that you were able to have a best friend, that you had someone to share life with so richly. Yet I fail to be able to understand the hurt because it?s more then I?ve ever tried to comprehend.

For the phone call you forgot to make I?m pained, for when you told me of the news you heard i wept. I see so much of who I was in him now, I had no idea what I was doing when I wanted to end my life. Please trust me when I say that it?s nothing you did or could have done, that he didn?t even know who was there and that love seemed fictitious and emptiness real. Know that nothing in this world that can fill that emptiness that burned at his heart and pulled the trigger.

That emptiness is forever burned in my mind, as the opposite of the fullness of Christ who is now in my life. No love could fill that void, only mask over it until I would fall back in. Believe me, I tried to mask it over and to cover it?s expanse with success and any love I could find. The emptiness would only increase until it all fell in leaving me lower than before. Desiring death over life and leaving a void that only God could fill. If I would let him.

I sat in awe of your compassion for him as you wept, jealous of your emotions next to my compliancy, and desiring to want those around me in heaven as much as you wanted him to be there now (knowing he wasn?t). It?s hard to find the lining in this, to even grasp a hint as to why God wrote this as his life story, to die so young, and to hurt so much. Now let God be your strength, let Him feel and hear of your pain, pour out your anger onto your Father, and do all this so that you may feel His love even more. Oh my sister, let Christ be your strength and your comfort in this time of pain, disbelief, hurt, and confusion. Let Christ be your strength by being nothing before Him, pour your self out to him.

It is the times when we feel the most pain that God desires us the most if we would only hear his voice whispering to us between the tears. Whispers telling us it will be alright, that his divine love will fill the void and emptiness in our lives if we would only spend more time with Him. Sister you are in my prayers, my heart is burdened for you, Oh how God desires to be the center of your life. Praise the Lord for the commitment you?ve made to put him back upon your throne and to live your life for Him. Sleep well and know that he?ll never give you more then you can handle and that you?re never alone.

?The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8

May you all seek Gods face,
~paul

This is so surreal, France. I?m starting to work through everything placed before me for this summer, and it?s slowly becoming real to me. Real that this time next year I will be enjoying spring, budding trees, and flowers sprouting out of the black park soil in Toulouse. That these times here at Stout will feel so distant to the reality that I?ll be living in, yet at the same time those thoughts of Stout will be becoming ever real again as I am preparing to return to this podunk town.

There is this excitement about this next year that I am only containing by completely ignoring right now. Though ignoring it is becoming increasingly harder. I?ve started my MPD (crusade term: Ministry Partner Development) and have just been blessed through that so far. It?s crazy how the Lord moves in those conversations and how contagious the vision of reaching the World for Christ is. Not only that, but having those one on one times has really encouraged me as to the power of God in the lives of those around me. That when He desires to move no one can stop him from changing hearts and drawing people unto himself.

After all of that, there will be this STINT conference in Colorado from where we?ll leave to France from. It?s unreal to think about having all of the international short termers in one building, for one conference and just worshiping the Lord with them. It was super intense at kick off weekend knowing that I was surrounded by about two-hundred other people going to serve the Lord over seas or as US campus interns. To stand there as proof of Gods faithfulness, all having seen Him concur so much to get us to that point. How we?ll stand there in awe of what he?s done and the path he?s laid ahead. My mind can?t even begin to comprehend what it will be like, only that worshiping together giving the glory to God will be but a glimpse of why we?re going. A glimpse into an eternity worshiping God, and a reminder of why we?re going to every corner of the world.

Spending a year in Toulouse, it still hasn?t set in. Though I shouldn?t expect it to as nothing else I?ve written has yet. The worn, torn, and faded green former shirt sleeve still hangs from my bag, reminding me to pray for that city. Reminding me of the streets and avenues that circle and lead you deeper into the heart of the city, open air bars and caf?s, the smell of a city older then the country I grew up in, the faces of students eager to talk to Americans, the beauty in the architecture in the rose colored city, and the unending love God has for them. Ok, I need to stop or I?m going to loose focus for the next several hours into this waking daydream of this city that will be my home and those people who?ll be my friends.

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!

walk swiftly with the Lord and let Him bless you,
~paul

It?s a constant awe to me how the Lord teaches us and stretches us. In those times when we feel as though we?re walking with God and then in a day everything changes and we?re thrown on our head. As though we finally looked to our left and saw how far God was from us and looked down to see the things standing in our way. Those things un-prayed for, things we?ve taken on or have been set on us that weigh us down, and the distractions of life.

These times are when we look at our broken bodies and realize how little we can really do. It?s been a very hard day today because I?m seeing how my reliance has shifted, over the course of a couple days, from on the Lord unto myself. The hardest part about it is to see how easily it happened. This just goes to show me the importance of persistence and obedience in my walk with the Lord.

My schedule has gotten so busy lately, RA is becoming a lot of work (I?ve been on duty five out of the last six days), starting to build up my ministry team for STINT, course work, stepping out of Crusade at Stout, trying to find time to talk to everyone I need to or want to before the year is over. I had originally thought that I would be able to spend the first week of the next semester here before flying to France, but now that isn?t possible (we have a conference we leave from in the latter part of August).

Similar things are happening as when I first took over the evangelism team, or was preparing to leave for France the last time. I tend to get stressed out looking at everything that needs to get checked off the list before it can happen, and not even doubting that it will, just seeing the length of the journey can make me feel more distant from God. In all reality it is times like this where He will become more real to me then he?s ever been. It would be the best to describe this spot as waiting, I?m between being here and being there. Perhaps between isn?t the right word, maybe both works better. Physically I?m here and needing to be diligent with my responsibilities at Stout, and at the same time my mind is running through the summer and into France.

Keep seeking the Lord for your brokenness,
~paul

Kick-off weekend just ended and I am now ?equipped? to go out and build up my ministry partners that will be with me while I?m in Toulouse this upcoming year. Both through prayer and financial support. There is a bit of nervousness, mostly just anxious to get started. I redid one of the notebooks they gave us and now it?s all personalized. It will be good to get going on. I will tomorrow when people are awake.

Here is something that has been on my mind lately so I?m just going to write it out there….

The movie ?Paycheck? is an unlikely catalyst for spiritual thought and for something to burden my heart, but it did just that. In the movie the main character reverse engineers a machine that allows you to see into the future using optics that ?see? around the curve of the space/time continuum. Could it possible work? I don?t know, the theory makes some sense but when you get that far into ?science? it?s all based on other beliefs and theories. No solid proof of any kind, just hopes and dreams. Back to my point..

This main character is able to escape from certain situations because he could see through to the future. He comments about how seeing the future ruins the present, that for him to know where his life was heading took away the challenge or mystery to it. That got me thinking a lot about how I?m feeling called. I?ve seen where I?m heading in my life and know what I?m called to do. There is no way that I can do what I?ve seen, it will have to be the Lord and He must move in amazing ways to work through me to see that happen. I know the end, I?ve seen it and trust in the Lord Jesus that it will happen. It has been predestined to happen in my life by the Author and Perfecter of my faith.

Ok, so if I am predestined to do this, and to live this life, what freedom does that give me? So many people (myself included) get hung up here. Some downright hate the idea that their life has already been planned out for them. They want to have some control and feel as though tomorrow is theirs to write and map out. The truth is that my tomorrow is already written for me as God desires me to live it, however I can choose to do it however I want. The world is full of called people who have missed their calling out of selfish ambition and a desire to improve on God?s plan for their lives. However I am not the one to say if you have or not, the Holy Spirit will tell you where you are at if you honestly and humbly seek Him in prayer.

This is what I get from the feeling and knowledge of being called to something specific, knowing that it is possible against what this world will tell me. I need no one to tell me it is possible, because the one who wrote the book of my life already has it written into the pages. It is so freeing because that allows me to simply spend my time seeking the Lord that I might have the Faith to finish the race. Seeing God?s hand move in the little things to know that this monumental task before me will also see his hand move in. My faith is not blind, I have seen his hand move and feel his love in my life. This is the confidence I have that His steps will shake the walls and that His words will cause hearts to weep.

Tomorrow is already in His hands and soon I shall rest in them as well.

In God?s arms laboring eternally,
~paul

It?s a matter of Righteousness

Just got a couple thoughts and then a little life update.

The more that I dive into scripture one truth (aside from the core truths of God?s love and grace) is showing it?s face to me for those who believe and trust their lives in Christ. That it is a matter of righteousness for what we are able to accomplish. Now it?s not that this righteousness is some sort of prerequisite for laboring for Christ, actually it?s quite the opposite.

As we labor for Christ, desire to and become changed into his likeness then that righteousness appears in us. Little by little, the more you do, the more evident it becomes in your life and through your actions. That the Glory of God is so evident in what you?re doing. When this happens it is only for God?s glory and nothing else, nothing of you. That?s all I got on that.
//thoughts

This past week has been crazy. Jordan?s grandpa past away just over a week ago and her and I went to the wake/funeral earlier this week. It was an amazing service for a man I wish I could have gotten to know. Her family is a lot of fun and being able to hang out with them was great. I?m glad I got to meet them all, especially the out of state brother (since he isn?t around often it would be hard to see him another time). Jordan has been really blessed with all of them.

After our whirlwind Wausau tour we headed over to the cities for the night to unwind and meet my family. It was kind of crazy how it all worked out. My older brother was in from Seattle, we didn?t have classes on Tuesday, we where heading that way regardless, and we were done early enough to make it there in time for dinner. It was so worth it, the food was good, the time with family was good, and being able to talk to Jordan more about her grandpa and everything that was going on really made it worth it.

It?s surreal to think about this upcoming year, and what our lives will be like at the end of it, 15 months and I?ll be on my way home. Seems so long but at the same time as though it will go past so quickly. Oh how the Lord will move.

Keep letting God bless you,
~paul

Ah what a day it is. Today is Jordans nineteenth birthday. Pretty exciting if you ask me. Unlike my brother I don?t take pictures of everything (though it would be cool), but it was still a good time to be had. This summer becky told us how she loved making a big deal out of birthdays because it seems like no one cares and I have really seen that this year. Since I am dating a girl I?d like to have stick around for a while why not put that into action.

/break (return 4 hours later)

it?s amazing how quickly things can change, how quickly the Lord can shift everything around us. For those of you who didn?t know, Jordans grandpa had been in the hospital for a couple days. He past away tonight, and so I left to go be with Jordan. I don?t know what that means right now for my job as an RA, all I know is that she needed me there and when I called Tanya she told me I should go and that she could cover my shift. It was a bit surreal to sit there with her, talking to her about her grandpa where only 24 hours earlier I was showing up and sneaking into the basement with the cake. Now I?m knocking on her door and she doesn?t even know that I?ve heard.

We talked for a good while, and I wish there was something more I could do. Just being able to be there and praying for her helped, it?s just hard watching her go through so much (please be praying for her and her family). I?m so grateful that we?re able to though, it will only make this next year easier.

Now it?s become quite late, I?m going to turn in. I have a speech to write tomorrow yet. Man life is all kinds of amazing.

God bless,
~paul