I?m not sure how in depth I ever should get in here. What to write about and what to avoid, who all I could bring into this open forum that is the internet just because God placed them into my life. I tend to avoid using names a lot of the time, or certain subjects all together because it can get hard to work around being specific.

I?m starting to realize one of my biggest character flaws. I tend to think I understand a portion of what God is showing me and then, because of that small part, think I know a larger part. There is a fair amount of time spent rationalizing my life out so that I understand what is going on around me, it?s one of my ineffective coping skills left over from my depression a couple years ago. What can happen normally isn?t that big of a deal but sometimes I get really strong headed with it. Then it becomes a matter of realizing it, and working through what is left so that I can move forward. More importantly is so that they (anyone else involved) can move forward.

My feelings and thoughts have shifted as I?ve gotten closer (eh, might have even been further). I?m just having a hard time knowing how to move on without moving past. I?m having a hard time knowing how to be a servant while still doing what I fell led to do. My heart feels in the right place because of the peace the Lord has bestowed upon me. I guess I?m only scared with how fast everything is moving within myself. The question is that if you always felt like it was meant to be someone, when should you let her know…

In other news: Fall Retreat was amazing, loved just having time to really connect with a bunch of the new students as well as some of those who had been around for a while before. Got to lay the smack down in football a couple times on this big 300-pound guy, Eric busted up his collarbone very impressively. We ended up have 114 students from Stout in attendance with 30 of them being freshmen (+ several other new students). Also for the first time the retreat didn?t feel any different spiritually!!! AHHHHH so darn exciting!

In even more other news:
I have been asked to apply for an RA position up in Wigen Hall for the 1st floor. It?s really an answer to prayer and I am turning my application in 5 minutes from now. Be praying for a smooth transition and for the Lord to present openings for His gospel in that building with the students and staff.

Seeking the Face of Christ like there?s nothing else…
cause there isn?t!
~paul

thundering drops participate
through golden gutters showing
me the light of life within you
God?s grace moving through
spinning a mind into amazement
simple? astonishment
my heart praises God
for seeing parts of Him
in you

I couldn?t believe what I saw the first time I looked your way. There was so much moving in your life and God was blessing you so much, I had no idea. The spark of life God instilled in you was on the verge of igniting everything it touched. There?s this zeal for Christ that had me so convicted in my own walk with Him. So often I tend to overlook the nuances of life that are so rich with the glory of God here on earth. The way the peddles of a flower roll over exposing such vibrant color and softness. How someone acts when they think no-one else is watching, the gentleness of their affection for someone in need. My heart pains to see it again.

Je vois le beaut?
dedans vous,
bien que vous pas,
et ne pouvez pas aider
mais sourire quand je le vois.

I see the beauty
inside you,
even though you don?t,
and I can?t help
but smile when I see it.

This past week has been really hard on me, at times loosing the biggest gift in my life. Loosing the ability to see Christ in everyone I meet and see. I remember walking the paths of this campus grinning from ear to ear because Christ was so present here. It?s not that He has left, it?s only that my eyes aren?t looking as they used to. My prayer is that they will again see the world as it is meant to be, pure and hopeful (titus 1:15-16).

Seeking the eyes of Christ,
~paul

Being alone sucks. It truly does, while my ideal place of relaxation is alone I still love having people around… I need to have people around me. Friday night had to be one of the worst nights I?ve had in recent memory. Everyone I knew was either out drinking or gone for the weekend. For the first time in a very long time I was overcome with emotion to the point where I was crying, I couldn?t stop, and it wasn?t for me. It didn?t even matter what I was looking at or thinking about, my heart kept feeling heavier and heavier and I was so worn out. I was up till past 5 am… I?m sick of feeling like that.

I guess I should get to the point of this post. The weekend helped me realize what I had to. I used to say that I could see people how God did, and I had no choice but to smile when I looked at someone, anyone because inside of everyone there was something that was so pure and awe-inspiring it caused me to grin. To be able to see something like that in someone was an amazing blessing and helped me love so many people. Over the past week or so that slowly drifted from me, I could feel my heart hardening to those around me. I was pushing them away when more then anything I was going to need them close to me, soon. I remember sitting around this weekend wondering where everyone was and at the same time refusing to see the people waiting to be there for me. Bottling up so much inside that I felt like no-one else could understand, because I didn?t even give them the chance.

When my heart was burdened on Friday night (well really early Saturday morning) I knew something serious was up. That?s why I went for my 2 am walk, prayed till I could barely even sit upright. Finally on Sunday I talked to someone (em you?re amazing!) and realized what was going on. Just having someone to talk to, to help me discern what I was going through, and pray for me. Thank you all of you who prayed for me. So what did I realize?

The weight on my heart wasn?t weight at all, it was God helping me back up to where I was meant to be. It was my changed attitude that was becoming so cynical towards others and myself that needed only to be addressed so that I could return to seeing the sparkle of God in those around me. I failed hardcore last weekend, but I know that tomorrow is another day just as today was. I knew there had to have been a reason I was studying grace, I need so much of it right now.

Praying to be broken before His throne,
~paul

Grace, in greek is Charis.

There are staples in the Christian faith that everyone just assumes you live. Maybe assuming is a strong word. My point is that it was something I never understood growing up. How could someone live by grace as the bible calls us to.

?I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God?s grace given me through the working of his power.? ~Ephesians 3:7
That it?s solely by the grace of God that we are able to become his servants. When we submit ourselves to the work of this gospel God will pour upon us the power and strength we seek from Him to endure through the tasks he puts before us. That without that grace, we would simply fall flat on our faces.

?Are you foolish? After beginning with the spirit are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?? ~Galatians 3:3
We won?t be able to anything with the gospel if we try to go it alone, without Christ. That even starting something with God doesn?t mean it will become fruitful and complete, we must seek Him throughout the entire process. What does this have to do with receiving grace?

For us to be able to even start something for Christ, be it a change in ourselves or reaching out to the world, we must accept that there is nothing we can do to get there. No matter what skills and gifts you have, the only ones that will get you near and across the finish line come from God himself. You must ask for what you need in order to receive it, you must ask for grace to receive it.

?For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!? ~Romans 6:14
Our lives prior to accepting Christ were enslaved to sin and the pleasures associated with it. Living to quench the hunger that brought temporary satisfaction. When we accept the payment Jesus made for our sins he effectually bought us and became our new master. So that we are no longer bound by sin rather by our obedience and love of the Father whom paid for our death.

?With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.? ~2 Thessalonians 1:11-12
That he ?may be? glorified. We are but slaves to our master, we are his representation here on earth and we ought live our lives so that our Father will be glorified through us. That in Christ we will be glorified, just as he is through us. That we are to accept the grace of God and Jesus into who we are, and realize that we are also in God.

There is a calling for each of us, something set aside for us to do in our lifetime. His calling is for us to become like Christ by grace. That we would receive grace in us, and in him. That our solitude would be firm in him and the things which we need we would ask for in faith and believe that we have received that which we need for the tasks at hand.

Practically:
There is nothing we can do to earn grace aside from accepting it. In living a life for the Lord we must accept that which he has freely given us, his never-ending grace. We must find ourselves living because of grace rather then for or in spite of grace, something we could never earn.

Questions:
-What of your life enslaved to sin are you still hanging on to? Why haven?t you let go yet?
-What in your life are you scared you won?t succeed in? What parts of that have you not lifted completely to the Lord?
-We?re called to be like Christ, what attribute of Jesus do you desire the most? How would attaining that affect your life?

Seek the face of Christ,
~paul

Can you see them swooping from the heavens, swords in hands saving the world. As I peer from the window I see the battle blazing as my heart ceases to flutter. Before my eyes lay affects of the night before, scared huddled in a corner. Praying to not be alone, praying that righteousness could be restored. Swirled around in the wind were the sounds and screams of those not realizing their mouths were open. The dimming lights and shattered character of hearts hopelessly calling to nothing. Calls that were answered. As I curled up scared, gravity pulling water from my eyes till they too were dry.

From the corner basement room I would sneak a peak through the window with disbelieving eyes. I let out noises that I didn?t even know I held praying that He would hear me and come by my side. My heart became so heavy… it hurts to move because of what I see. I?m scared to go outside for there is to much (or is it not enough). It mine as well be calling to me, this morning light which shown with my first glances on the world. My heart still heavy and hurting, as I see here watching them swooping and rushing, swords in hand while people walk past unsuspecting. I used to cry when I saw this, saw them fighting, but now I simply pray that He shall be triumphant. As they walk past ignorant to that which is going on around them.

The light is gone again… In time I shall return

——————————————————————-

Alright, I?m sick of sitting on what I see and know, not using the gifts given to me. My heart is too heavy to say nothing. Father let me live because of your unfailing grace.

Pressing onward, because I can’t look back.
~paul

For the past month there has been something that, time and time again, as been resurfacing in my walk with the Lord. Those things in my life that I desire are starting to play a more active and large part in my faith. As I?m faced with larger and more important decisions understanding my desires is going to be very important. I must preface this with the following statement. I am basing this fairly heavily off scripture regarding prayer and faith. If your walk of faith is not in line completely with Christ (as mine isn?t) this can?t be taken word for word, but it should be a good point to start at and even strive for. That through the power of prayer we can ask for our will to be that which God wills for us. Not only gives you strength in your prayer life but it also has other effects (as I noticed).

In the New Testament there are 14 different words (4 nouns and 10 verbs) used in Greek that are translated. The one that I first think with the word desire turns out to be epthumia, or ?a desire, craving, longing, mostly of evil desires? that is mostly equated with things of sin (ie; lust, jealousy, greed). Causing me at once to seek to have my desires taken from me. While I will sin for the rest of my life, if there is something I could do to sin less I feel a strong will to see that. It?s hard enough to know the sins I?m committing, then to be overwhelmed with the notion that every desire I have is inherently sinful is overwhelming.

Maybe it was hope, but I felt like some of the things I desired really were good, God loving and God fearing things. I desired for my friends to be happy, I desired to have a heart to pray, I desired to labor for the lord. Those aren?t lustful or greedy. Looking for a reason for these to make sense you come across eudokia or for good pleasure/with a gracious purpose. I desire the best for my friends is a good example (rom 10:1).

Why that?s all good talking about the thing of desire, desiring something is an action, a verb (where those have all been nouns so far). Barely having a negative connotations; to deem worthy, to desire earnestly, desired, to have a strong affection for/a yearning after, to reach or stretch out, to will and to wish, to wish and to will deliberately, to have a zeal for and to be zealous towards (this can be negative), to ask, or earnestly desiring. Each one of those depicts a different approach to desiring something. Leading me to believe that the act of desiring is not sinful (it never says do not desire) only that by desiring the wrong things we can fall into sin. That our desires can cause is to stumble and fall from the grace of God.

This left me stumped and confused. I obviously desire things. After all I am human . Thinking through what the bible says about putting to death the desires of the sinful nature by being filled with the Spirit (Romans 8:13) it leads me to look at how one seeks that. Our power as Christians comes from the ability we have in prayer and to ask for things that will be given to us, boldly and specifically. That we should pray for his will to become ours and then there will be such greater power in prayer. So where is that line?

In Galatians 5 it talks about how the spirit desires that contrary to the desires of sinful nature. It lists out those desires of the sinful nature as; sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like. (5:19-12a) This only re-enforces what Paul said in Romans 8:5b when he says that ?those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.? That when we truly live our lives for Christ and are filled with the spirit out desires are that which God desires for us.

Practically:
We must have faith that our desires our pure and of the Lord if we are living for Him. Checking them against Galatians 5 and seeking out guidance from Christ through prayer, petition, and fasting. Lifting larger decisions up to Him. What is a larger decision? Anything that you are worrying over. The bible calls us to cast our worries unto Him for a reason. If we have done that then we must have faith that our desires are in line with God?s and are what he desires for us.

My whole life has been lived on fast forward (or you could call it running into the future) since my depression started back in 8th grade. I think I felt like I could out run it and the feelings associated with depression, and that if I got to some distant point that it would become unrealized to me. I spent so many years doing it, living for days so far past tomorrow that it could make my head spin if I had taken the time to think it through. Starting that blasted corporation in 9th grade… I could sit here and look back on so many things that I?ve thought myself to grown up for, or missed because I was to busy with what I got myself involved in.

Since my last post about grace (all of about an hour ago) it?s really got me thinking of my motivation behind what I?m involved with and desire to be involved with. God has really broken me down over the last couple days and I honestly am not sure how to take it. I sense myself really withdrawing because I?m not sure where or why this brokenness is taking place. I used to and now I don?t know. The more I?ve been in prayer over it the more it feels like my life is slowing down. That I?m not living for some point in the future, but that for the first time in years I want to live for now and the frustrating thing about it is that I feel as though I forgot how.

I?m really not sure what to do from here. For the first time it seems to make sense where I am (although I am always looking into tomorrow…). I?ve never felt like this before. Not that it isn?t something that I could get used to, it just feels so foreign right now. There have always been things I have strived for, in skiing it was to be the best in the Midwest and to turn heads nationally and there was such accomplishment when I did that. Writing that out I see why it is a problem (?when I?). If I?m to submit everything to Christ then it can?t be I who accomplish things for the things I desired to accomplish need to be cast up to Him. Abba Father thank you for your patience with me as I take time to seek your face and understand your word further. As I become nothing before you so that you can be everything through me.

As awesome as prayer is, I kind of forgot of the prayer to become nothing. Father give me the strength to receive what you have for me and heal my heart and spirit. That the faith in my prayer life would be even more bold in you.

For those who I?ve left confused or who have noticed me acting a bit off, sorry and thank you for your prayers. Sometimes asking for prayer is the hardest thing for me to do.

broken for Christ,
~paul

Afterthoughts appear instantly
Words confused and conditioned
to hint nothing
sometimes leaves me wondering
then or not, time should slow
for my head to stop spinning..

So it probably doesn?t make a whole lot of sense. So is it with most of what I seem to be writing since I got back from France. Not really sure why that is. Oh well, tonight I?m pretty sure it?s because my head is spinning like mad and my stomach is really not feelings well (broke fast wrong I think, though I didn?t do anything different then normal, not sure). It?s coming to my attention that I don?t necessarily put all the emphases on things that I should. For example it feels like I have all this down time but today I finally made up a list of all the things I need to get done soon and realized how much there was on the list. I guess it makes sense as to way I?m always busy, I?m pretty sure it must be genetic. Sometimes I really wonder why I feel the need to always be keeping myself busy. I read something today that hit me kind of hard about accepting God?s grace. It talked about how some people feel the need to work so hard for it (very paraphrased but yea) and I couldn?t help but realize that was me.

Personally I like to think that I am so excited and energized by Christ and everything that he?s done for me that I can?t help but get out there to do work for Him. Then it always causes me to wonder. I?ll be honest, I work myself to the bone. If it was in the thousands of hours I put into each event and video I produced and now I?m seeing a similar mentality with my labor for Christ. It gets to the point where if I?m not doing something I feel as though I?m not doing what I should be. That is the difference there, that I feel like I should be, not that I need to be? It?s such a fine line.

Right now I?m in the process of trying to set up the ministry for next summer back home and am realizing that it?s going to be a lot more work then I think. Not that I?m going to completely through the vision of Jethro (the name for the EP summer Ministry) completely to the curb, but it has been sitting on the back burner for about a month now. Part of me wonders if this will be the summer, if I will have the faith strong enough, and that I?ve become enough of nothing that God must bless something like this through me. It makes me wonder a lot about where I?m headed. God is a healer though, if I would only loose my pride and let Him.

That?s all I got for tonight, check out the previous entry, wrote a poem (thorn) I like quite a bit!

Keep seeking God?s blessings,
~paul

Wow so that was an amazing weekend with the guys. From just hanging out to playing one of the best games of capture the flag I?d ever been a part of. So I have a bruse under my left arm, my left hand is pretty scratched up from jumping down a hill to get into the trees (yea, didn?t realize there was a hill there…) and the scratch under my left eye. As you could probably notice a pattern there, the left side of my body. I guess I just put that part of me first when I?m running into something or someone. Nothing to serious and will actually be all better in a couple days.

I?m sure I have more to write about but my mind is drawing a blank right now. Josh you rock, I?m so excited that you came. Haven?t had that good of a time away with just guys in a long time. Below is a little something I read in TNR (the new republic) today that I found really exciting.

?In the third century B.C.E., Ptolemy Philadelphus, ruler of Alexandria, Egypt’s most Hellenized and sophisticated city, determined that a Greek rendering of the Torah should be included in the Great Library of that famed metropolis. To that end, he sent lavish gifts to Eleazar, the high priest of the Temple in Jerusalem, who reciprocated by dispatching to Alexandria seventy-two sages, six from each of the twelve biblical tribes, to begin the work of translation. Ptolemy greeted the visitors with a banquet lasting seven days, after which they were taken to the island of Pharos. Here each man was shut up in his own cell, in strictest seclusion, each toiling separately over the Hebrew original, in order to perfect its transcription into the lingua franca of the age. Seventy days later, when the scribes emerged from their labors, it was revealed that the seventy-two individually calculated translations were identical, each to the other, varying not by a jot or a tittle. Hence the name Septuagint (meaning seventy), immemorially given to the miraculous Greek text: a book divine in its essence, and thereby divine in its production. When heaven has a hand in translation, it is bound to be immaculate. God, who is One, sees to the oneness–the indivisibility–of His word. Many scribes, but one authentic Voice.? -Cynthia Ozick of TNR

Keep living for Christ!
~paul

Humbly I stand before today before realizing that my feet aren?t holding me up. I?m on my knees realizing what lays ahead and how little I know of what is head of me. Finally realizing that the hands that are embracing the floor aren?t able to reach forward to you Father. That the feelings of my heart at lost in the confusion of my mind as my hands are stretched out on the floor before my Lord.

I wish that I had the answer right now to tell you, that would make sense of what is going on around you and I don?t yet. Slowly it is starting to make more sense. I?m broken before our Father because everything I?ve tried hasn?t worked, my mind needs His counsel, my prayers need to be lifted up to Christ so that I will be able to tell you what you deserve to hear.

To say I understand where you?re at would be a lie, to say I have done everything I should have would also fall short of truth. The only thing that I?m certain of is where my heart rests and that you deserve to know more, and you will know both. As this rain gently falls today my prayers for understanding and your comfort rise up to Him. Please take refuge in Him until we meet again and we?re able to talk. Know that you aren?t alone, it hasn?t been easy for me and I would guess the same would be true for you. I wish that now I knew more of what I needed to say, please don?t be scared to ask and I promise I won?t be scared to tell. Please relax and take a breath because tomorrow is soon to be today and soon there will be answers that you deserve, my regret is that it isn?t today. I pray this makes sense…

Maybe someday you?ll know
the time spent at this window,
with eyes up to the sky
wondering why it?s taking so long.
To be taken where the stars are brighter
and the moon will set you by my side
for that moment neither of us could hide
from how we feel for each other.

To show you my longing heart,
and start by holding you like so
pointing to the stars I saw from my window
telling how they made me dream of you.
Then sit and listen to all you have to say
catching all that your heart pours out
about to realize what all this means
when the time shall come to say goodbye.
don?t know how and not sure why
I am loosing you and your grace,
as this place with you in my arms fades away.

For tonight I?m sitting in my room staring into the night air
longing for the plane to take me there.
Where time will stop for you and me,
letting words be said worry free
you?d understand how my heart is resting,
or is it restlessly waiting for you?

4/11/04
when I wrote this I wasn?t sure who it was for, it just was how my heart felt, as much as it has changed since then it feels as though I am back were I started when I wrote this. Desiring to be able to talk to you. However I?m not so sure that this time will be met with Goodbye… This poem talks of a dream, and one can only be left to wonder if…

Keep living for Christ and God bless,
~paul