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Mystery girl

it only takes a second
for our eyes to connect
to spend the night
i’ll never forget
side by side
minutes blow past
with this girl
i’m scared to ask

questions..

which might..

ruin this memory
of her brown eyes and pierced nose
of her red hair and sexy pose
the way she walked
danced so close
how we touched
through our clothes

minutes had elapsed
we parted ways
forgetting to ask
the name
my mystery girl.

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Catch up + pauls life I

Quick week recap, I’m sorry I didn’t have time to write earlier, Wednesday night was the Everclear concert at first ave and I danced with mystery girl from La Cross, Thursday was more or less un eventful, got some work done, Friday I hung out with Jessica. Saturday morning I was up bright and early to ask Britney to prom, and she said yes, later we had some meeting to figure limos and what not out and then I saw Phone Booth (very good movie) with Matt J. That brings us up to today which is Sunday, church day, I was up till 3:30 am this morning working on a video for church, prayed for the youth ministry team after the service and crossroads tonight.

Now what I really wanted to write about.

For those of you reading this, I have battled with the thought of putting this up here. The reason I am is because it’s a major part of who I am now and maybe you’ll read it and understand a bit more about me. The days I’ve come from have been very dark, dark enough to the point where I didn’t want to even look for the light that might be there for me at times. That I tried to kill myself twice, that I’ve spent the majority of my years in high school depressed, spans of time I’ve been so low that I would just pretend to be happy about life. I was sick of answering the questions of are you alright, what’s going on. So I just made it look like nothing was. I wish it was all a dream that I would wake up from, every morning I have to deal with the fact that it isn’t. That those memories of the knife pushing down so hard that I had to bite my lip to keep anyone from knowing, to scared to pull just a little further.

At this point I’m not exactly sure what you’re thinking, if you’re a skier checking this out you’re probably saying, he has everything he could want, sponsors, name recognition, connections. There is more to life then that. If you’re from school and I haven’t told you yet. Sorry but this shouldn’t change anything, I wouldn’t be surprised if 1/4th of the people you know have dealt with depression. Art guys, well yea I guess it’s kind of expected with the territory.

Now let me make my point, for all of my life, up till just over a year ago, I had lived trying to do the best I can. Trying to make a name for myself, and to live life how we all picture it. It wore me out to the point where I could barely hold on. I made it through, and since then I’ve put myself in a position where I’m able to help people because of what it is I’ve been through in the past. That is more rewarding to me then anything else I’ve done. Being able to talk to someone, letting them know what helped me get through, how God was there for me and just the knowledge that it will get better.

If you are having a hard time grasping this idea, just think about it a bit. Have you ever stopped to think why I always will hold the door, or why I’ll be there to help people out, why I talk to so many people at school? Truth be told, I’m still somewhat shy like I was back in middle school. Now I just know the difference that one person can make to someone who is having a hard time. So I challenge you, after reading all of my rant, to do something for someone else, to not be scared to bend over backwards for someone else. Because it will all work out in the end if you keep your faith strong.

take care and God bless ~paul

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Back to School

It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to write anything down. I hope that this isn’t some trend of mine since I spent the time to code this site from scratch. To start off, the rest of spring break was fun. Tara and me went out to lunch Wednesday, I dominated at the four square at jr. high youth group (no I’m not in jr. high, I’m one of the volunteers), and Brett, Ashley and me saw bringin down the house. That movie is not all that it’s made up to be. I laughed at a couple points but head of state is much better (just saw that tonight). The only other things I did over break was spend a day with Jessica, changed my cell phone plan, bought DVD studio pro and went to church on Sunday (the bible study went really well).

So tomorrow is April 1st, 2003, the date I am suppose to hear back from USC about my application to the school of Cinema-Television. I really hope that I get in there, it would be such an honor and a privilege to be able to work with the caliber of people who get accepted out there. Basically I’m just hoping that I haven’t over inflated some ego or self image of what I am and have accomplished. Letting me get shut out of the program, even though I have the killer program over at stout to fall back on. Which would be a great first choice, let alone a back up of sorts.

Also prom is coming up and I don’t have a date. While not dating is cheaper and easier on me mentally, it would be nice to just have someone to know you were going to go with. I also really wana go this year since I didn’t last year and I wana be able to see what it’s all about at least once, and this is my last chance to go. So to me it makes sense, but the tickets go on sale the 14th I believe so I hopefully will find some lucky girl by that point.

I do have a lot more on my mind but it’s now 11:30 at night and I should really be getting to work on finishing up my calc homework. The work I didn’t do over break… it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

Take care and God bless ~paul

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Stare Upwards into the Starlit Night

I stare up to the stars
feeling lost and alone
with wonder in my eyes
are other worlds so cold
are other people as stranded
touching themselves to reassure
hands with no-one to hold

I yell up to the stars
my anger and hate
they seem so far
yet control my fate
it gets to a point
where words aren’t enough
and I break down and cry
leaving another night
that the stars have won.