Tag Archives: Pain

There is no compassion without many tears

Posted on by
1

In preparing a short essay for class based on the final section of the Nouwen book quoted below I came across this:

It might sound strange to consider grief a way to compassion. But it is. Grief asks me to allow the sins of the world-my own included-to pierce my heart and make me shed tears, many tears, for them. There is no compassion without many tears. If they can’t be tears that stream from my eyes, they have to be at least tears that well up from my heart… There are so few mourners left in this world. But grief is the discipline of the heart that sees the sin of the world, and knows itself to be the sorrowful price of freedom without which love cannot bloom. I am beginning to see that much of praying is grieving. This grief is so deep not just because the human sin is so great, but also-and more so-because the divine love is so boundless.

Excerpt from “The Return of the Prodigal son” by Henri Nouwen pages 128-9

I will write more at some point in the future, though realistically not until December when my courses have concluded for the quarter. In the meantime I would challenge you to consider what this might mean for you…

Lost so soon…

Posted on by
Reply

I’m sorry this hurts, that sometimes it feels as though it hurts to much to even cry. To imagine a pain that feels so indescribable it is nearly unbearable is beyond me. Loosing someone you have so much love for, so much heart for, so many memories with, someone who was your best friend. I’m envious that you were able to have a best friend, that you had someone to share life with so richly. Yet I fail to be able to understand the hurt because it’s more then I’ve ever tried to comprehend.

For the phone call you forgot to make I’m pained, for when you told me of the news you heard i wept. I see so much of who I was in him now, I had no idea what I was doing when I wanted to end my life. Please trust me when I say that it’s nothing you did or could have done, that he didn’t even know who was there and that love seemed fictitious and emptiness real. Know that nothing in this world that can fill that emptiness that burned at his heart and pulled the trigger.

That emptiness is forever burned in my mind, as the opposite of the fullness of Christ who is now in my life. No love could fill that void, only mask over it until I would fall back in. Believe me, I tried to mask it over and to cover it’s expanse with success and any love I could find. The emptiness would only increase until it all fell in leaving me lower than before. Desiring death over life and leaving a void that only God could fill. If I could let him in.

I sat in awe of your compassion for him as you wept, jealous of your emotions next to my compliancy, and desiring to want those around me in heaven as much as you wanted him to be there now (knowing he wasn’t). It’s hard to find the lining in this, to even grasp a hint as to why God wrote this as his life story, to die so young, and to hurt so much. Now let God be your strength, let Him feel and hear of your pain, pour out your anger onto your Father, and do all this so that you may feel His love even more. Oh my sister, let Christ be your strength and your comfort in this time of pain, disbelief, hurt, and confusion. Let Christ be your strength by being nothing before Him, pour your self out to him.

It is the times when we feel the most pain that God desires us the most if we would only hear his voice whispering to us between the tears. Whispers telling us it will be alright, that his divine love will fill the void and emptiness in our lives if we would only spend more time with Him. Sister you are in my prayers, my heart is burdened for you, Oh how God desires to be the center of your life. Praise the Lord for the commitment you’ve made to put him back upon your throne and to live your life for Him. Sleep well and know that he’ll never give you more then you can handle and that you’re never alone.

“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8

May you all seek Gods face,
~paul

Letter from June 2001

Posted on by
Reply

Self Portrait from Summer 2002

Well this is a letter that I hope people find. In no way does it have anything to deal with suicide or any of that…

I am Depressed. I would have written a bigger ‘d’ but I know people that have been lower and I myself have been as well. It just boggles my mind how people don’t want to see what is so obvious. They just always try to blame it off on something else like the computer or skiing. How it makes me a less social person or how the people I’m around are a negative influence on my life. It is mostly my parents. Why can’t they see that they are my biggest problem. I pick up on so much. Hear them talk. It is destroying me. Why can’t they show their love for each other. I’m always hearing my mom’s rant on things she dislikes about dad. How he never fixes anything, doesn’t notice his own health, forgets little things that he should do, how he never calls her to let her know when he’ll be home. But my dad is also giving off signs. The silent moments at the dinner table, inactivity at home, not willing to help around the house.

Continue reading →

Love’s a Bitch

Posted on by
Reply

studio work from 2003

*This is something I’m writing for a good friend of mine.*

I wish that we could go through life and never experience pain. I don’t mean the petty pain of a cut or scrape, rather the pain of a heart torn apart. I’ve been there, I know how it feels, I know it all to well. When I read what you write my heart sinks for you and what you’re going though. Of someone who cares to much for you (or is it not enough) to see what they are doing to you.

How they run from person to person trying to find the fulfillment you gave them for so long. The inability we have to comprehend why it didn’t work out between you two. All you are sure of is the pain it gives you inside, the torn emotions and racing mind that keep you up until all hours of the waning night. Wearing down your mind and then your body until you feel completely rejected and seemingly worthless.

What you aren’t seeing is what you still have. Your heart is still there to give, although slightly abused, there is someone out there who will care for it until it’s better then new. You have your care to give, to shower over someone out there who is willing to be with you. Someone who at the end of the day will make it all worth while, not only today, but every other day of your life. Take your time to grieve but know that it will come to you, the love you’re so willing to give. This chapter you just closed in the book you’re writing. The book is waiting for you to grab the pen again. Continue reading →