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My Birthday (two years ago)

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been two year. Today I’m 19, happy birthday. I guess I should state that since the rest of this post will have to deal with that.

Now is a time when I’m gonna open up a little bit more of my personal life to the world. I’m not quite sure why I am, it isn’t the most flattering for me to be posting about. More that I’m just to a point in my life where I can comfortably talk about what has happened in my past and that I’m not ashamed of what I went through and what happened. Like I stated in my opening line, It’s hard to believe that it’s already been two years. In some respects it seems so much longer because I’ve changed so much, while others it seems like just yesterday.

Those of you that don’t know what I’m talking about are probably really confused at this point. Sorry about that, keep reading and it will all make sense in a moment. Two years ago, May 20th 2001, I had it kind of planned out. I was sick of everything and was going to kill myself (this was the second time). I had left home and gone to Kinkos to pick up something, business cards I think and it was raining out. Not just raining but pouring rain. I had to sit in that parking lot for at least a half hour, might have been an hour, just crying about everything. Life was to much at that point. I was being pushed to the brink and didn’t feel like I could take it anymore. I thought through a bunch of different ideas, the first one was to just drive off the 212 bridge onto 494. That flopped when it would have hurt more people then just me. I had more ideas run in and out that I can’t remember until I decided to just go down to the river. At the time I wasn’t sure what I was going to do there but I knew it would be the end of me.

I pulled out of the parking lot and headed in that direction, took a slight detour over to staring lake park where I got out of my car, still crying. Thinking that this way I would be covered in water and people wouldn’t have been able to tell I was crying. All I remember is that the rain was so cold. I got back in my car and started driving with my eyes closed down toward the river. For some reason I opened them and saw the light was red ahead of me at pioneer trail and county rd. 4 so I stopped. I ment to head south to get to the river but decided to go north to church. I had a couple friends invite me and I figured I mine as well go one last time. I showed up right at the beginning, which was quite weird because I somehow spent the better part of four hours since I left for Kinkos and I’m not sure where all the time had gone. The night really wasn’t on anything that I can remember but something clicked with me there. Something that for the past 17 years of my life I had tried so hard to understand just made sense to me.

Then for the first time in a long time I genuinely smiled, I still remember how it felt. It was pure ecstasy and amazement. More then anything I had some hope. I drove down by the river, maybe, and just thought about what I was going to do. I’ve done that several times since then. Somehow just seeing that river now puts in all in perspective for me. I’ve been pushed to the edge twice, I’m not sure which time I was closer. All I know is that for the first time in a long time I am genuinely happy and more or less back to being paul. For everyone that’s been there for me and helped me, thank you.

Take Care and God Bless,
~paul