I wasn’t really not sure what to title this entry. While I’m working really hard on releasing my personal concerns and frustrations to God and trusting Him with them this month I feel as though I should write about what’s gone on this past week. The speaker last Thursday got to me, he was talking about how we need to reach out to those around us and personally invite them into the body of believers here at Stout. Being a former student here it was his biggest regret of the time he spent here. This hit me really hard, not that I am very deficient in this area (though I need some definite improvement), because of what happened the night before I came to stout. When I was prayed over one of the things that he brought up was that I would be standing as a pillar while others fell around me. This speakers vision casting hit me because it made me realize that I wasn’t ready for something like that (being one whom is pulling others up and helping them build strength in Christ) and didn’t know how to deal with it.
Next step, leadership retreat? It was awesome and was really excited that we put it on (can’t remember having so much fun with markers and a swing set). What I didn’t expect was the number of people from my team (servant versus shepherd) who are in their last semester. I know that God will provide for the movement but we are loosing so many people in key roles, not necessarily position wise, but in their knowledge and experience. I believe that seven of the twelve will be turning over this semester. Part of it is a hesitation on my part, feelings as though I won’t be able to seek Christ as I’ll need to. Not that God hasn’t been there before in very obvious ways, just that it feels as though I’m not ready to seek Him like he is asking me too. When it’s written that way it sounds really ridiculous (not that it isn’t) but it makes a lot of sense because of the things I’ve been holding onto. Holding onto this idea of who I want God to make me into and not understanding that it’s becoming the man God needs me to be for Him? not me. Christ has had so much grace with me in letting me stray far enough to realize what has been going through my mind and then hitting me with such clarity it’s hurting. As of last Friday night (first night of our leadership retreat) I had stopped praying in hopes that ignoring God would pass the responsibility, I felt him pressing on me, to someone else. I can’t think of a time that I have been so strong headed against God where my prayer life had completely ceased out of protest against Him. It’s something I’m really ashamed of but have felt such grace about since.
It just sounds silly to think that someone would try to tell our all-knowing God that you know best. It probably stems from when I tried to grasp everything around me while going through my depression, but that is something I need to let go of. Early Monday morning (think it was around 2 am) I was about to go to bed but for some reason felt the need to work through this distance I was feeling and the conflict I was going through. I ended up walking around Menomonie for over an hour in prayer and spending most of the time listening for understanding and what I needed to pray for next. God really broke me down and took away the image of who I want to be and I’ve grown so much in the past couple days it’s been crazy. Now it’s not like my idea of who I wanted to be was so far fetched that God needed to intercede, rather that I had lost my focus on Him and was trying to do things instead of letting Him do them.
This week has just been a lot of prayer and feeling the desire that I have for it. I joked earlier about praying to much and one of my friends told me that there was nothing wrong about it. Here is to prayer without ceasing!
Keep seeking Gods glory and grace,