Maybe its the fact that Ive spent so much time alone lately and contemplated so much about my life but the more I look into my self the more unsure I am of who this Paul Prins character is. Let me explain.
There are things I know run through the core of who I am, my morals, mannerisms, skills, and beliefs. Then there are the things about me of which I am increasingly unsure over; my character, loves, decisions, and path that I plant my feet upon.
So much has been running through my mind over break and its really brought me down. Ive questioned everything Ive done over the last year, even things that I am so sure of (ie the event) and its left me quite precariously positioned. Wondering if my plan of following my passion through college is the best course of action. I know I will have several opportunities and I can see them growing, that Ill be able to pursue marketing production or whatever its called. However I am seeing flaws arising, maybe there are things I wont know going into that profession and it scares me. The guy who seems to stand so tall, I think thats the first time in years Ive admitted Im scared.
Im not even sure of where I stand, my feet are firmly upon something but my eyes keep on wondering towards other paths. Every fork in the road seems to captivate my being for days longer then necessary and days after Ive made up my mind where it used to be a quick decision that I was very confident in. In the last couple of months Ive also noticed that Im changing, Ive grown short with people whom I care for and just dont seem to be as open as I wish. People who I once thought were so close to me dont feel comfortable coming and talking to me and I dont know why.
Part of it is, no doubt, the pressure that has been put on me. Everyone who I deal with always seems to say something like, cant wait to see what youll be doing, or things of a similar nature. That only drives me to not disappoint them and for the most part I would hope that I havent this far. However living life like this, to live up to others expectations, is not how life is meant to be lived. I want to do things because I love them, because its my desire. This is probably why I feel that no one understands me, I downplay the pressure Im under but its stressing me out. Ive been more stressed out over break then I have been since this time last year. I just need to find someone at school who understands the pressure Im under with skiing, even though my heart is so lost on it.
More then anything I wish to know that this phase of my life will work out. That I will do everything I need to and love the people Im destined to. The last two years of high school I spent ready for this journey and now that Im here it seems as though Ive closed my eyes and started running through it. I am doing things to help me slow down, not working on weekends anymore and only two-three days a week. Hopefully this next semester will yield well for me.
Take Care and God Bless,