I?ve been having quite a few conversations over the last couple days (thanks Rachel, MM, Chris, Jay…) seeking out the Lord and counsel from those He?s placed around me, whom I trust greatly. When I found out Tuesday that it was still an option to go I had the chance to do this, to really spend the rest of the week seeking out Christ and relieving myself of every desire that comes onto my heart so that those of Him will stay. Marie gave me some really solid questions to work through on Tuesday evening and I?m going to write up what I wrote out. So if you?re wondering what has been running through my mind and how I?ve been processing this out be persistent with your eyes.
Do I really want to leave everything I have here?
Of course I don?t, but is this for me to ever decide? Everything I have, everyone I know is because the Lord placed them into my life. If it is Him calling me away he will care for them and grow them in my absence. It?s my pride saying they need me, this movement needs me, and that it would suffer if I left. Christ has given me more then I ever could have asked for and He can again. He knows what is best, and will honor and bless me if I continue to seek unwaveringly after Him at the throne of our Father.
Do I want to use the passion I have to motivate others to go, spread that passion and go after I graduate?
It?s so great to spread that desire to go. To lift up those around me to come with me to the world. Would be so amazing to have people come with me. But would not the Lord use this trip to move in the hearts of those here. To see that they could do it as well. How important humility will be when I return, that my nothingness will allow them to see Christ moving in their lives. Being able to send messages from France back to weekly meetings could be so inspirational. Going now would allow me to be witness to another whole class of students within the movement.
What am I going to benefit by…
-1 Semester of College
-New friends (STINTERS and French students)
-Money (little bit)
-Another year in college ministry
-Spiritual Growth in New Areas
-View different Stage of a Movement
-Gain a year of living abroad
-Speak better French
-Jordan grows more independent
-2 Semesters of College
-Learn more about leading
-Time with Jordan
-Disciple more guys
-Friends who will graduate
-Start speaking more
How would the movement at Stout benefit by me…
-New E-team Leader
-Fresh eyes on servant team
-Cast vision/importance of Going
-Spread sub-team vision
-Fresh eyes/perspective upon return
-Trust God more
-Able to invest more into e-team
-refine E-Team leader/book more
-Encourage others w/ presence
-Help maintain focus
How would the Kingdom benefit by me
-Help revive France
-Gain Faith in Initiation
-Cast Vision for France
-Build prayer network for France
-Push Movement into Saturation
-Raise up laborers to go
-Witness in JTC
Could I do more good for God by staying here or going?
It seems pretty split, but if we were to go I can imagine how the Lord could honor that both here and there. Where being here wouldn?t have as large of an effect on Toulouse than I would have on Stout being in France. It?s like this answer needs to be left into the hands of the Lord, praying for where I am not.
What?s this shown me?
It?s really revealed a lot of my heart for why I want to go, and shown me so many selfish reasons that I was able to pray away leaving me with a set of desires that are pure. The Lord will continue to show me how I?m not being honest with myself or Him, but for now I?m needing to really seek the Lord. Spending time with Jay last night working through my heart and the questions above. It really helped to have his input and see his perspective on it, to look at the list of going in terms of how different would the list be if I waited. How could those items be used if I waited, they have very different applications at that point in time. How would the fruit be and look different? What would have more of an eternal impact for the kingdom of Christ? Truth is that no matter how much I work through this I won?t have an answer to that question.
Continuing to Seek Nothingness before Christ,