So I sit here, seemingly waiting for something to happen that won’t. What am I speaking of? The fact that I am always on the outside looking in. There are very few times when I’m asked to go out and do anything. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that it just doesn’t happen. You would probably tell me that I should go out there and ask my friends what is going on, and it’s a logical statement to make. If it weren’t for the last decade of feeling on the outside and feeling like a third wheel I probably would. The last thing I’m looking for are people to take pity on me for just sitting around on a Friday night.
This isn’t something that just started happening recently, as long as I can remember I’ve been someone who was left home on weekends doing nothing more then finding things to fill my time with. That’s how I know it isn’t the people around me but rather something inside of me. If this has been happening for the last ten+ years there is something more going on. It’s not even that my friends hate me, I think it’s the fact that I know so many people that everyone tends to forget about me. A friend of mine in HS told me something to the context of “The popular kids are those who are left at home doing nothing because everyone assume that they are out with someone else.” Now I would be the last person to every even think I’m popular. I guess I will break it down.
I’m sitting here knowing that I could have called a number of people to do something tonight. Yet I’m still sitting here. I strive so hard to put others first, to live a life lost for myself (and I know I fall short, but I still will try again tomorrow) and it causes a couple things to happen. First that I don’t want to interrupt what is already going on because I almost always feel like a third wheel. I love doing things one-on-one because you can’t feel on the outside of that. They either invited me because they enjoy my company, or I invited them for the same reason. One could look at calling up a group of people to hang out that person inviting them to hang out, but to me that seems selfish. That they should all hang out with me, who am I.
I can’t stand asking for anything from others as well, it used to be a pride thing. I always used to feel like I could do it on my own. While that’s still there some of the time it mostly comes down to me not wanting to bother you. I would rather stand on the side in pain (metaphorical, if I was in real pain I would get help so don’t worry about that), then inconvenience those around me. Which leads me right back to the problem with even writing this. Anyone of my friends who read this will then want to do something with me and again I will feel like the third wheel. I’m sorry for being selfless and not self-content. Maybe I’m just waiting for the next selfless person to come along. Maybe I’m just looking for you amid the masses to stand apart so that someone will truly understand. I lost my life and am just trying to do what I can with what He’s given me.
The other day I was talking to someone and they made the comment about how it’s sweet to let people see the ‘real’ you at a certain kind of event and this took me back. Maybe because I don’t know who I really am? Or that I am that person and the idea that I’m not at times shocked me, that he might be that way… It’s late and my heart is beating a million miles a minute. I’m going to go for a walk. I’m sorry for not having anything more to show you.
take care and God bless,