Letter from June 2001

Self Portrait from Summer 2002

Well this is a letter that I hope people find. In no way does it have anything to deal with suicide or any of that…

I am Depressed. I would have written a bigger ‘d’ but I know people that have been lower and I myself have been as well. It just boggles my mind how people don’t want to see what is so obvious. They just always try to blame it off on something else like the computer or skiing. How it makes me a less social person or how the people I’m around are a negative influence on my life. It is mostly my parents. Why can’t they see that they are my biggest problem. I pick up on so much. Hear them talk. It is destroying me. Why can’t they show their love for each other. I’m always hearing my mom’s rant on things she dislikes about dad. How he never fixes anything, doesn’t notice his own health, forgets little things that he should do, how he never calls her to let her know when he’ll be home. But my dad is also giving off signs. The silent moments at the dinner table, inactivity at home, not willing to help around the house.

It is tearing me apart inside to see the two people that I care about most slowly drift away from each other. In an instant I would give so much, everything I have, so that they will love like they did before. The moments of endless thoughts of the other. It hurts to see the two of them standing next too each other and then walk away with no physical sign of affection. I love them both so much and wish that I could give them that love to share between the two of them. The next page is going to be more on about me, what’s been happening to me lately.

Well I’m going to start this with a thank you. Don’t know what I would have done without You there. Now I’m going to start back a few months ago.

I was/am depressed. Right now is A LOT better that I was prior to my birthday. From the top. At first I didn’t even realize that I was depressed. I’m not sure if it was not wanting to admit that I was or truly not knowing. The first time I truly questioned it was one night when I caught myself thinking of all the ways that one could kill themselves. It was a huge shock to me once I accepted it. That was several years ago and it quickly got better from there. To the point where it was like nothing was ever wrong. I put that night behind me and promised myself to look forward. Maybe a year went by since I broke up with Tara (that was the real reason why). The same feelings started to come back. So I would just free write to figure out the problem/s. They were skiing, school, and most importantly my parents (see page 1). I can tell that I am acting different. I know they notice yet day nothing. It started to go downhill from there. It was like living hell for me for those days. The only thing to look forward to was my birthday. What happened that day will be with me forever.

The day started out great, got to see my crush at church and church was good. Then my dad takes us to Edina for lunch. They were closed and there is a short/loud argument. That shot me because I figured that things were going better there. At that point I just wanted to go home and cry, but we went to lunch somewhere else. I suggested Perkins but my dad made us go to Kinkads. I don’t remember much about that place except thinking that the waitress cared about me more than my more for my dad (and vise versa). Then we went home and just sat there. I had nothing at all to do. Time slowed down and I was getting slightly more depressed every minute. I finally came up with something to do around 5:00. I left for Kinko’s wishing that I had given hugs to everyone and let my brothers know that I love them.

I will tell you know that when I left there wasn’t much intention of returning. I didn’t know where I would go or what I would do. I was just sick of home. I went to Kinko’s and dropped off my business cards. When I got back into the car I cried. I cried for everything. From my mom, dad, mom and dad, brothers, school, friends. I was in that car crying for a good solid hour and some. Then some song started playing (heck it could have been in my head) about how people need you. That made me think. What would happen to other people if I never came back. I had a car and some money. I could get far. But I decided to think on it, so I drove to staring lake park. I just sat there and looked out over the lake. The rain beating down on the roof. Sitting there I hit an all time low. I just needed something/anything to fill that void. I just decided to drive around aimlessly till I figured out what to do. It was now about two hours since I left (almost 7:00). I don’t remember how I got there but I basically blinked and then when my eyes opened again there was the church. I was very confused as to why I was there. I saw a car drive up and saw Robert get out and walk in. Just then I remembered that it was youth group.

It took so much guts to open that car door to the rain but after it opened I was running to church. When I got to the door I said something like, “I’m here for you lord, please forgive and take me.” I opened the doors and went inside. I don’t know what it was but I felt this feeling come over me, Kicking some old feelings out of me. I couldn’t stop shaking all night. That one night was such an experience for me. I don’t think that a person there knew what had happened (or hadn’t for that case). It meant so much just to praise him, praise You, thank You. I should have said that a while ago but I didn’t. There is probably more to write but there isn’t anything that You don’t already know.

Well I’m onto page four now and running out of stuff to write about. Right now in my life I am hoping that my crush and me will start to go out. I’ve had the biggest crush on her since 2nd quarter when I first met her. She is so amazing. I’m just worried that she’ll think I used You to get to her. Yea I know that you believe me because you know all. I’m scared to bring it up because I don’t want to scare her away. That one solo reason is it took me a week to ask her out. I pray to you that all will go well between us and that she will take care of me and me of her. I know that writing this is very useless to you Lord but I’m hoping that if I leave it out my mom will find it and read it. Please work and help me figure m life out.

-Paul

Help people to hear my cry, and for people to help other people through life.

*written June 2001, typed as it was written*