Living Grace?

Afterthoughts appear instantly
Words confused and conditioned
to hint nothing
sometimes leaves me wondering
then or not, time should slow
for my head to stop spinning..

So it probably doesn?t make a whole lot of sense. So is it with most of what I seem to be writing since I got back from France. Not really sure why that is. Oh well, tonight I?m pretty sure it?s because my head is spinning like mad and my stomach is really not feelings well (broke fast wrong I think, though I didn?t do anything different then normal, not sure). It?s coming to my attention that I don?t necessarily put all the emphases on things that I should. For example it feels like I have all this down time but today I finally made up a list of all the things I need to get done soon and realized how much there was on the list. I guess it makes sense as to way I?m always busy, I?m pretty sure it must be genetic. Sometimes I really wonder why I feel the need to always be keeping myself busy. I read something today that hit me kind of hard about accepting God?s grace. It talked about how some people feel the need to work so hard for it (very paraphrased but yea) and I couldn?t help but realize that was me.

Personally I like to think that I am so excited and energized by Christ and everything that he?s done for me that I can?t help but get out there to do work for Him. Then it always causes me to wonder. I?ll be honest, I work myself to the bone. If it was in the thousands of hours I put into each event and video I produced and now I?m seeing a similar mentality with my labor for Christ. It gets to the point where if I?m not doing something I feel as though I?m not doing what I should be. That is the difference there, that I feel like I should be, not that I need to be? It?s such a fine line.

Right now I?m in the process of trying to set up the ministry for next summer back home and am realizing that it?s going to be a lot more work then I think. Not that I?m going to completely through the vision of Jethro (the name for the EP summer Ministry) completely to the curb, but it has been sitting on the back burner for about a month now. Part of me wonders if this will be the summer, if I will have the faith strong enough, and that I?ve become enough of nothing that God must bless something like this through me. It makes me wonder a lot about where I?m headed. God is a healer though, if I would only loose my pride and let Him.

That?s all I got for tonight, check out the previous entry, wrote a poem (thorn) I like quite a bit!

Keep seeking God?s blessings,
~paul