I’m sorry this hurts, that sometimes it feels as though it hurts to much to even cry. To imagine a pain that feels so indescribable it is nearly unbearable is beyond me. Loosing someone you have so much love for, so much heart for, so many memories with, someone who was your best friend. I’m envious that you were able to have a best friend, that you had someone to share life with so richly. Yet I fail to be able to understand the hurt because it’s more then I’ve ever tried to comprehend.
For the phone call you forgot to make I’m pained, for when you told me of the news you heard i wept. I see so much of who I was in him now, I had no idea what I was doing when I wanted to end my life. Please trust me when I say that it’s nothing you did or could have done, that he didn’t even know who was there and that love seemed fictitious and emptiness real. Know that nothing in this world that can fill that emptiness that burned at his heart and pulled the trigger.
That emptiness is forever burned in my mind, as the opposite of the fullness of Christ who is now in my life. No love could fill that void, only mask over it until I would fall back in. Believe me, I tried to mask it over and to cover it’s expanse with success and any love I could find. The emptiness would only increase until it all fell in leaving me lower than before. Desiring death over life and leaving a void that only God could fill. If I could let him in.
I sat in awe of your compassion for him as you wept, jealous of your emotions next to my compliancy, and desiring to want those around me in heaven as much as you wanted him to be there now (knowing he wasn’t). It’s hard to find the lining in this, to even grasp a hint as to why God wrote this as his life story, to die so young, and to hurt so much. Now let God be your strength, let Him feel and hear of your pain, pour out your anger onto your Father, and do all this so that you may feel His love even more. Oh my sister, let Christ be your strength and your comfort in this time of pain, disbelief, hurt, and confusion. Let Christ be your strength by being nothing before Him, pour your self out to him.
It is the times when we feel the most pain that God desires us the most if we would only hear his voice whispering to us between the tears. Whispers telling us it will be alright, that his divine love will fill the void and emptiness in our lives if we would only spend more time with Him. Sister you are in my prayers, my heart is burdened for you, Oh how God desires to be the center of your life. Praise the Lord for the commitment you’ve made to put him back upon your throne and to live your life for Him. Sleep well and know that he’ll never give you more then you can handle and that you’re never alone.
“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8
May you all seek Gods face,