The other day I was heading home and thinking about how much I spent on groceries, again. I dont understand why I always buy so much. It isnt so much that it is impractical, its that I anticipate when I shop for food. I anticipate being out of something and want to avoid it. This is the reason I always have an extra bag of tortilla chips, or three boxes of pasta noodles with two extra jars of sauce. It isnt that I am running out, that Ive used up the last and now need to replace it. I am anticipating running out of whatever it is that I bought and dont need quickly.
From here my mind wandered a bit further. Does this reaction/instinct of mine only revolve around grocery store adventures, or is it something reflected over the greater span of my life. How do I live, do I wait and react, or do I plan/predict/anticipate? I dont know, and I also dont know that which I see more important. There are the extremes, the person who is completely moment based and always at an end, then the others who are so sure of failure or harm they never bother trying. Where am I within this spectrum, where are you?
Remembering back to my days of deep depression, it was my ability to anticipate the day ahead that gave me the strength to live through it. With those thoughts that came paralyzing moments of the unexpected. I have come a long ways since then, being able to go without a plan and just do what I feel lead to do. However, if it werent for the Holy Spirits leading I would be stuck, once again, to my own processes. Fortunately I am in no danger of loosing the presence of God.
But with that said, what is it that God would ask of me. His word calls us to be stewards of that which He has entrusted us to possess, and to not be foolish with things like money, time, focus, and passion. Money is a simple one to look at, there are thousands of missionaries all over the globe, there are men and women who are in need of the fundamentals of life, and one could quickly exhaust his every cent to help them and quickly become the one in need. Is that being a steward? I dont believe so. Ive always been taught and understood stewardship as maintaining what you need to survive and being flexible with where the rest goes.
What of passion? For years I spent my every ounce of passion on skiing leaving none for the Lord, or anyone else (myself included). What of focus? My eyes so quickly turn to the realm of politics and world issues that I loose sight of my neighbor. What of time? I am just now learning to save some for myself, and to give more to the Lord.
So what kind of balance between reaction and anticipation should I desire, seek after, and pray for? Lord guide me and keep me ever in your council. You are the love of my life and I fear being thrown from your presence more then death itself. For death shall surely come, yet your very presence is sweeter than life. Help me to do more for you, to be better prepared for the days of my service. Speak to me and let me hang upon your every word.