The First really Hard Day

Considering that it has been over two weeks since arriving in country I was over due for my first truly challenging day. It wasn’t in a way I had been anticipating (though it almost never is). My skill with the language has proved more than adequate for the basics, I haven’t gotten lost, haven’t felt overly homesick, haven’t forgotten anything too important, and my body has been functioning normal with all systems go!

Today was the first really hard day spiritually. I haven’t been writing much up here for two reasons; no internet in our apartment yet, and been writing out in my other pen journal. But this is what has been up, scars. Opening them up, looking around, cleaning them out, and then letting them heal up better then before. Make sense?

There are a lot of scars that have been left by different people over the year that have helped to form me into who I am today. Even those with some positive side effects are in need of inspection and further healing. It hurts. Reopening wounds years, some over a decade, after they were inflicted to see why it hurt, to remember what was side, to pray over it, to let the Lord take it, and to pull it back closed. I don’t know if I will ever need to re-open some of these wounds. Some of them have kept me from believing in myself at certain times in my life, where others have caused me to have an amazing drive to be successful. Neither are healthy and it’s been so hard to look at.

On top of all of that I’ve also been asking myself the following question (and you can comment all you want about this, but it won’t really mean anything unless I ask for your input); What could a wife do for me? It sounds so trite and self-centered, and it is. I’ll be the first to admit the pride in that question, how it implies that I am able to live without her. Well… I have been. I’m here in France unmarried. I ran Midwestskier unmarried. Granted it would have been nice to come home to someone who could understand, but I have a God who understands all and comforts me beyond the ability of any human. Would getting married mean I loose that? Would I be cheating on my relationship with Christ to get married? Some of these questions I have already gotten answers for from the Lord and others I am still waiting on. I have pages full of writing thoughts, questions, answers, and along with other challenges that have arisen.

So, why was today so hard? A lot of old wounds left by my dad have been opened up this past week, a lot of them last night and I have been very vulnerable because of it. Don’t get my wrong, my dad wants the best for me (even if he doesn’t always see what that is), but it is inevitable that everyone in your life will hurt you, even more so when you are a child looking up to someone who isn’t there for you, even when he was home. Add to that a hard day of ministry and it ends with feeling really defeated. Basically it comes down to my heart already being torn open from these re-exposed wounds/scars and add onto that the onslaught of evil we endure while doing the Lords work, and the burden of a mourning heart for the French. It’s been a heavy, hard, and weary day laboring for Christ.

With my heart raw for Christ,
~paul