You felt so near? When will this end

There was a point when I could have reached you, that if my arms only would have gone forth. You would have been right there, were right there, just waiting for something I was to scared of. To reach my arms forward and embrace you and now here I am. You were so close that I could feel you against me, in me. It was heaven, you are heaven and I couldn’t bring myself to pull you close. Instead I pushed you away when I didn’t pull you forward. Instead of embracing you, loving on you, and letting you love me I stood there waiting. It was a moment that lasted forever into the next. That moment told you words I always feared, and never knew how to express. I never opened my mouth. I said too much.

Now I know where you went. You always go to the same place and wait, or maybe it’s me that left. It’s the same every time, though I can’t tell you who walks away. Whose shoulder turns away first. It’s not that it isn’t me, it’s only that I refuse to admit it. Refuse to admit that it’s something I do that causes us to drift apart. How could it be me? I try so hard and spend nearly every waking moment thinking of you. What of all the things I wrote to you, whispered for only you to hear. What of the things yelled from the tops of mountains and to startle pigeons at rest on cobblestone streets. The world I’ve seen for you, and will see again. So how could this be me. You felt so close, why would I push you away? There is no reason so it must be you.

Even now I sit here waiting for you to come back, waiting with open arms to embrace you. Wondering why you aren’t here, thinking of you, and desiring you to be here like you were for so long. Remembering thoughts of you with my arms held tight next to my sides. So close that your fragrance intoxicated my senses and yet I just was there, arms by my side waiting for you. Now that you’re gone I cry out with open arms for you to come back.

I remember times past when we went through this. Actually it was this exact same thing, you there and me here. You waiting and me crying out inside, to stubborn to be honest with myself, and more importantly you. I’m lost and scared, realizing that you’re still there and I moved here. Realizing that my arms are open only because I know you won’t come. What scares me? I don’t even know if you’re real, this is to good to be true. Then I remember the feeling when you were near, the scent of you in my life. Leaving you in some sort of self imposed punishment so that I’ll think you’ll take me back. If I’d only raise my eyes to see you there with open arms, waiting.

When will these games end?
What more do I need to know that you’re really there?
Christ show yourself to me once more, then I might believe. Just once more, please?

Keep seeking His face and desiring His blessings on your heart. For if your earthly father can give good gifts, how much more can your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him,
~paul

Currently Feeling: “I can’t live up to the feeling of that which I am destined to but because it’s my destiny I will, it’s only a matter of how much I’ll surprise myself when I look back from heaven on a job well done”