Have you ever stopped and thought if it was truly enough? If the relationships you had with those around you were sustaining you as a person, or if you were putting enough work into a project or job, or if your idea of what you should be doing was accomplishing what you think it aught to. If you truly understand what it is you know, or if you can be enough without understanding that knowledge?
What has been going on in my life? This week has been quite the week, compared to weeks of late. Ned and me had been growing distant because we more or less stopped talking when we were in our room, and weve been talking more again and I feel like were becoming better friends again. It was really nice to be able to sit and talk on the ride back to school, just about life/love/trials and the $6.99 Quick Trip all you can eat buffet very questionable.
I also going to be the co-leader for the mens bible study in HKMC next semester, very excited about that. I had quite the hunch last winter when we started up our study back home that it would eventually lead to me leading/co-leading one here. Im really humbled that they asked me to help out like that.
Highline is also being a little weird, Im getting mixed singles from them ATM and am going to send my resume into them tomorrow, most likely. I had prayed that if God had wanted me to do mission work next summer that he would close they opportunity in Vail, so well see what ends up happening.
Onward to the post I want to write.
Tonight has been a little weird, I had been trying to find something to sit down and contemplate for a while and everything I could come up with was a two second idea, in and out. Then I was reading through my friends online journals and noticed that Katie was looking for someone to critique an essay she was going to turn in. I read it over and it really got me thinking, wondering what impact the people Ive dated or become close with have had on me. Pondering if I had truly hurt some people without intention or, worse, even noticing.
Its always nice to get notes from people who I have dated or been really close with and to find out that I actually left an impression on them and wasnt the heartless wrench I thought myself out to be. It might have been that I read a lengthy essay of Katies tonight that I remembered something she had written about me,
dear paul you were my first minnesotan and dance-pickup and writer of love letters and poetry i believed every word and although we knew each other for such a short time you had a big impact on my life your work inspires me or the fact that you can do so much and i wish life or you had treated you better so that it wouldn’t seem to sneak up and crack you in the face as it does to me too but don’t allow yourself to throw yourself away because you are worth more than that, believe me
That coming from someone who I felt like I left on the side of the road and tore up inside, and I know I did Katie. There are other times this has happened, and it just has me wondering if Im in relationships currently that are helping to form me into the person I envision myself being down the road. I guess that could have some light as to why I cant seem to understand my attractions as of late, I cant sort out in my mind where Im going to be and dont know who will help me get there. Basically I need to let go of that concern and let God show me where to go with my life and who should be part of it, I just tend to have a problem understand where Im heading and this is the first time in a few years Ive been like this.
Here is my plan, Im gonna try to further myself and my knowledge as much as possible over the next couple years and then see what happens to my future.
Aside: the speaker at cru tonight was really good, and I strongly suggest that everyone find someone they can confide everything to. Will write more about that later Im sure
Take Care and God bless,
What’s going on right now? For the first time in my life I think I know what it feels like to be spread to thin. I honestly am not sure what to do. I have this drawing homework sitting on the futon right now that needs to get done yet tonight. It’s just a reminder that almost all of my priorities are shifting. I used to devote my life to skiing and to be honest I don’t know if I will do that this year. I will always have this passion and love for that sport and the people involved but it’s just so hard for me to leave.
Try to think about the weight on my shoulders right now from the skiing industry. So many people look up to me and are envious of where I’m at; they think that you couldn’t want anything more then the connections and other shit that goes along with this. They are so wrong. I want more for life, I want more from myself, I want to meet new people and challenge them so much more mentally then the people I know now want to be pushed. [Read more…] about Where’s my Future…
This has been an interesting week for me. Im not really sure why it happened this week, or why its happening at all. My mind must just be on overdrive or something similar. (sorry Ill try not to make it too long, its 3am and my mind is running somewhat).
Im talking about something that Ive been struggling with for the past few weeks personally. Ive been blessed beyond anything I could have fathomed when I came here to college and thats hard for me to take. No, Im not saying that I dont think I shouldnt have a good thing happen every now and then. Just what did I do to deserve all this? Im on one of the best floor sets on campus, Ive made amazing friends who would do anything for me and are always there for me, have an amazing class load and really enjoy all my classes (minus computer programming), ned is a better friend then ever, and then there is laura who I cant say enough about. Maybe its just because Im to a new location, new people, finally on my own?, but I havent had a day when Ive not wanted to get up. Even this morning when I was up until 4:45 working on fundamentals of Design to wake up four hours later to take an art survey in class writing exam.
Ok so maybe this isnt making a ton of sense. Im just having a hard time grasping why so much good stuff is happening to me. I dont see any reason for it to happen. Ive talked to some people about this and theyve all told me that I either deserve it to happen or that I should just enjoy it. Why though, why is everything going so well? I know this is a really stupid thing to be complaining about but I cant seem to understand. Ive prayed that God would at least show me why hes been so generous towards me but Ive yet to see it. So I just keep waiting for something bad to happen so that Im ready when it does. Earlier tonight (or is it this morning?) I was sure something was up with Laura and me but when I asked her she told me everything was going well, for some reason I didnt believe her. Maybe because it wasnt what I wanted to hear, later I asked her again and she told me she answered me and then it hit me, Im still waiting for something to happen. Its to the point where it is wearing me out to an extent. I want so bad to just let go and live this blessed life Gods graced me with. So tomorrow when I wake up for drawing I will try that.
Take Care everyone and God bless,
sorry for the lack of posts this week, been busy
So I havent really filled anyone in on what happened to Oscar Perez Calix, my sponsor child down in Honduras. It turns out that his mother had lied about some information to get him into the program, what I am not sure. When confronted she apparently got upset and withdrew Oscar from the program. I was heartbroken by that because I was really starting to get to know him better. Although it is better that it happened sooner then later, when I became truly attached to him.
Present Day, I got a packet in the mail from Compassion International with another kid. Needless to say that made my week, which to that point has been rather dismal. Hes such a rad guy. His name is Marlon David Castillo Perez and lives in Honduras as well. Hes seven right now and his either birthday is next month. He lives at home with his sister, who runs the household. Im not sure where his parents are in the picture, removed or past on. He likes swimming, art, and playing ball games. I really dont know much more then that. Im writing him today and hopefully Ill hear back before school, but probably wont since that is coming up pretty quickly and I cant imagine mail moves to fast down there.
Plus Marlon has longer hair like me. I would strongly suggest to anyone who reads this to sign up to sponsor a kid, its only $28 a month and he or shell get so much.
Take care and may God bless you,